The (Unoffical) First CGACC©
Okay, so, listen, far be it from me to tell you your own business, but if you're starting your CGACC© experience here then you're living wrong. I mean, sure, there are worse mistakes you can make in life, and no matter what you do you are a precious and worthwhile human being, but still, honey...no.
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And look, I GET it, I really do. Don't think I don't because no one is capable of getting this more than me; you, noble and constant reader, want to start at the beginning. And why SHOULDN'T you? 'After all', you think to yourself as you stuff your pipe full of tobacco and adjust your monogrammed, silk smoking jacket, 'when I read War and Peace that summer in Belize when I was on the run from The FBI I started on the first page didn't I? And I'll be gosh darned if I'm not going to do the same thing here,' Which is an entirely fair point, and while the comparison between myself and Tolstoy absolutely holds up under scrutiny, the CGACC© AT THIS STAGE OF ITS GENESIS, is not comparable to to W.A.P, as I think is the preferred acronym*
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The reason I've put this here is for hardcore CGACC© fans who are like those insufferable people who delight in telling you that they prefer your favourite band's 'early stuff'. So if you do insist on starting here, then just bear that in mind.
Like, this isn't particularly good, but it's a slice of my personal history and therefore, in the spirit of UTMOST humility, I am submitting it here for posterity.
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One very important thing to bear in mind, is that what you are about to read is all a lie. Total horseshit. There was no advent calendar. I was just making it all up. It was just meant to be a one off joke, but because of my friend Fraser's comment I felt obliged to maintain the harmless fiction for almost an entire month. Little did I know what I was getting myself in for.
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Enjoy!
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*Note to self, please update this joke before next Christmas/when Cardi B becomes less relvant
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Advent Calendar Door 1:
Oooh, it's a candle.
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Comments:
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Fraser - Is this a service you are providing? I have no advent calendar and could do with some vicarious calendar door opening festive amusement.
Dan- yeah that's a good idea for these tough economic times, maybe even a national advent calendar on the wireless?
Matthew - a chocolate one?
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Chris Gates - Chocolate advent calenders are for people who lack character. Watch this space for more door-opening fun.
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Matthew - Like a hawk
Door 2: For some reason it's a dog. Let's assume he's a Christmas dog.
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Comments:
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Matthew - After the success of the candle, I have to admit this is a bit of a let down.
Dan - Is you advent calendar atheist? Potential there for a Daily Mail "political correctness gone mad/this country's going to the dogs" style article...
Advent Calendar Door 3: Aahhh, a classic: Christmas wreath, complete with baubles and a bow
Comments :
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Nerys - Who died?
Dan - Keep em comin'
Door 4: A snowman. One of those three tiered ones which you can't actually build. Or rather, which I can't actually build
Door 5: A sprig of mistletoe. Mistletoe always reminds me of those shows where people say that mistletoe reminds them of that yellow pages adverts. You know, the one with the mistletoe?
Door 6: Oooh, a star. Now this is interesting because I was under the impression that this was a secular advent calendar since there was no religious iconography on the front, just a couple of snowmen chilling out. Thing is, there's nothing to say whether this the Bethlehem star or just a star in the winter sky. All I'm saying is that there may or may not be a manger scene behind Door 24, so prepare yourself for that.
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Comments:
Sarah B - It's great your sharing with us - I don't have an advent calendar!
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Ross - I concur. I feel like I'm sharing this roller-coaster with you
Door 7: (This took me ages to find because I'm very hungover) Two golden bells joined by a red ribbon. Right, now for some Lucozade.
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Comments:
Dan - Can I have some of your Lucozade please Chris?
Chris Gates - You can have a bit, just don't take the piss alright?
Dan - Oh sorry, backwash!
Chris Gates -Eeew, well I'm not having anymore, but neither am I giving it to you since clearly that's what you want. I'm pouring it away.
Dan -Damn, my backwash gambit backfired, and now I must suffer the backlash!
In other Advent Calendar news: My team at work has, much to my chagrin, a chocolate advent calendar which is passed along each day. Today I passed it on to a guy who JUST OPENED A DOOR AT RANDOM and ate the chocolate. I have not the words
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]Comments:
Dan - AT RANDOM? Is he unaware of the advent code? Fuck him! BTW that was not an exhortation, it was merely an expletive. I don't expect you to fuck this criminal.
Door 8: A little drum, such as a little drummer boy might carry. Indicative but not conclusive since the little drummer boy is not in the original nativity but originated, as we all know, in the 1941 American Christmas song "Carol of the Drum". But even if it is the little drummer boy's drum, it might just be the calendar embracing the popular Christmas culture; that song is on every Christmas album I've ever seen. I mean, the next picture might be the Radio Times.
Door 9: It's a brown blob with a splash of white on the top and a sprig of holly. This represents but does not resemble a Christmas pudding.
Door 10 (always exiting to get into double figures): A snowflake.
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Comments:
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Dan - That is good!
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Chris Gates- It is good, but it's exactly the same as a few other snowflake pictures I've seen which leads me to believe that the artist hasn't done his research.
Door 11: It's a standard present, a cube wrapped in green paper and tied with a red ribbon. This makes me think that I should start my Christmas shopping at some point; I wanted to get everyone a cube this year and it'll be my own fault if they sell out.
Door 12: This morning I'd left for work before I realised that I hadn't opened today's door, I had to run back and then run to the station and I very nearly missed my train. Today's picture is a stocking, hung with care on a mantle piece. You're welcome.
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Comments:
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Dan -I like your status, but with an inner wistfulness that only you will understand.
Door 13: Okay, so it's a choirboy. White robe, red stole, strawberry-blonde hair; he's holding a hymnbook and his mouth is open, presumably he's singing. Thing is, by accident or design, he's directly under the mistletoe which was behind door 5. Either this is a secular calendar making a joke or a catholic calendar making a confession.
(I couldn't remember the word for 'stole' so I had to Google 'priest scarf')
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Door 14: It's the pope turning a blind eye.
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Comments:
Chris Gates- Not really, it's a nutcracker.
Dan - Is he wearing his Hitler Youth uniform?
Chris Gates - - Yeah, he's on a Tory stag do. Topical
Door 15: It's a toboggan.
Door 16: It's a fireplace, red brick, black grate with merrily dancing flames. Gosh it's fun to burn things.
Door 17: A candy cane, red and white like a barber's pole and tied with a green bow. I just looked in the mirror and noticed that some of the glitter on the calendar is now on my face. I find myself wondering whether this has been happening every day and, if so, why no one has said anything.
Door 18: A sprig of holly, perhaps from the wreath that was behind door number 2. In any case, this is proving to be a sprig-heavy calendar.
Door 19: It's a Turkey. Not a cooked turkey, bronze and steaming like something out of an M & S advert, but a picture of the living animal with feathers and everything. Sorry little guy, you ain't got much longer.
Door 20: It's a reindeer. The calendar has now reached that satisfying point where you can run your hand over it and riffle the opened doors, like stroking a cat the wrong way.
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Door 21: It's a house in the snow at night with smoke drifting from the chimney and yellow light spilling from a window. Very pleasant.
Door 22: Well, it's finally happened. I left the house without opening the door and didn't have time to go back. I feel like I've let you all down. I invite you to guess what's behind this door and if you get it right then I will get you a little Christmas present.
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Comments:
Amber - a candle
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Chris Gates - We've already had a candle, have another guess.
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Amber - hmmm but you've had alot of holly if im not mistaken...
why not annother candle
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Stephen - Can we multi guess?
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Chris Gates - Amber: I'm not saying that there won't be a candle in the mise en scène of the next picture, but it won't be just a candle on its own which is how I interpret your guess. Steve: Yes, but only by special permission which I am not extending to you. So nyuh
Amber - a present
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Freya - Christmas pudding. I feel strongly about this.
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Chris Gates - We've had all three of those things already. Steve, you've earned a second guess because did your homework. The rest of you must try harder.
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Mark - I reckon it's a fucking great owl.
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Jonathan- Badger.
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Nathan - Disappointment
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Ross - Santa's head
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Dan - A stocking,
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Olli - Maybe it's whatever you want it to be eh Chris?
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Chris Gates - Yes, anything's possible if you truly believe. Thanks Olli for that lovely sentiment.
Chris Gates - It is in fact.... a baby in a manger! Oooooooooh, sorry folks but thanks for playing. For taking part, here's a shiny sixpence: . It's quite far away, you may have to run.
Nerys - It can't be Jesus already- is it Brian?
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Sarah B - Really - what they leaving for Christmas day then?
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Chris Gates - Well nothing, it's only got 24 doors.
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Chris Gates- Oi Nerys, did you just like your own post? That's gotta be some sort of 21st century faux pas.
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Nerys - Of course I liked my own post- if I didn't like what I said, I would have said something else, wouldn't I?
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Chris Gates - Touché
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Chris Gates - Sorry, I meant touchy.
23: Right, well I woke up early today because it's the last day of work and I'm only working a half-day, which in a way is even more exciting than Christmas, especially since I won't be working for the rest of the year. So, Door 23: Oh! It's a red sleigh (sorry Steve), Santa's not on it and the reindeer aren't harnessed, but the presents are loaded on the back so that's a start.
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Comments:
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Stephen -Bloody fix!
Well, here we are. This is it. This is the moment we've all been waiting for. I have already opened door number twenty four which, as you would expect, is bigger than the rest so far, allowing the artist to really spread his wings. The back of the calendar gives the artist's name as Roger Spelving and I would like to take a moment to give my thanks to Mr Spelving for providing me and (vicariously) you with this visual feast today, not to mention the twenty three preceding visual apéritifs. So...It's a Christmas tree, standing in a forest clearing, at night, in the snow. This, I now realise, is the final stroke of a masterpiece. This is no simple advent calendar, but rather a commentary on Christmas itself. Notice that although he has previously shown us the Christ-child, he has not given it pride of place. Spelving acknowledges the religious connotations of this holiday, but by putting the older pagan symbol of the fir tree behind door 24 he's reminding us of Christmas's origins; a time of year when warm bodies gather to fight off winter's chill. Also note that the present-laden sleigh from door 23 is empty. As empty, perhaps, as the cynical commercialisation of Christmas? Fascinating stuff. Well that's it. Thanks to all of you for humouring me. Happy Time of Work and Presents to you all!