#CGACC2013
"Don't start no shit, won't be no shit"
Right, so this is the actual start of the CGACC©, in as much is this is the first time I called it that, though notably without the trademark copyright symbol. HAS the copyright symbol been trademarked? Surely it must have been, and yet you never see it written as ©™. The arrogance of it all.
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If you're starting here (which is entirely your prerogative) but you're tempted to go back to the previous years for a bit of context, then I humbly suggest that you squash that instinct down into the very depths of your soul, the place where you keep your most depraved and wicked desires. For one thing, because the murky creatures who live in that fetid pit of corruption will be really confused as to why you've sent a such relatively innocent impulse down to join them and it's good to keep those fuckers on their toes, but also because the previous years aren't very good. Save them for later, like a slightly stale after dinner mint.
Ladies and Gentlemen, that time of year has come once again; I know that some of you have been sleepless these past few days, tossing and turning in anticipation of the start of yet another Chris Gates Advent Calendar Campaign (CGACC). Well, the long wait is over and I am overjoyed to announce that from midday today I will once again be “posting the doors” of my advent calendar for those who, for reasons I don’t entirely understand, do not have ready access to an Advent Calendar of their own. This is a free service I provide, and one that brings joy to literally about a dozen people, so if you find it tiresome in any way, or you feel that you are somehow ‘above’ all of this seasonal joy, then by all means you can go fuck yourself and/or selves.
Advent Calendar Door 1: It's a Santa hat!
But, like, a proper Santa hat, not just one you'd pick up in Clinton Cards, say, to wear at your office Christmas party and then it gets stolen by Janet in accounts who wears it all night and then uses it as a sick bag when all that turkey and advocaat starts to disagree with her. No, not like that at all. This one's got holly on it.
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Advent Calendar Door 2: Well, I guess it’s meant to be a Christmas robin, but it’s a bit too square and the colouring’s not right.
I mean, I’m not an ornithologist, far from it, but clearly the artist thought it wasn’t entirely obvious either because they’ve put a Santa hat on it, which makes anything instantly Christmassy but in this case I find it slightly cruel. Can you imagine the effort you’d have to make to put a Santa hat on a small bird? Beyond actually making the hat, you’ve got to capture the bird and then get the hat to stay on, and robins are not natural hat-wearers so it would probably need to be fastened on with tape or glue or staples or something. This is still early days and so I’m going to let this slide, but I’ll be keeping my eye out for further animal cruelty and alerting the appropriate authorities if it becomes necessary
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Comments:
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Ian - One instance of animal cruelty not enough for you to act? That tells us a lot about you.
Chris Gates- One drawing of a robin in a Santa hat does not make compelling evidence of animal cruelty; if I went to the RSPCA now they'd just laugh in my face. For all I know it was a taxidermied Robin. No, I'll just monitor the situation and hope for the best.
Chris Gates - Sorry, it'd be the RSPB wouldn't it? Although I'd take a very dim view of the RSPCA if they didn't show any interest in cruelty to birds. A very dim view indeed.
Mark - Oh for fuck's sake, it seems ten minutes since you were doing this last year.
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Chris Gates - Well it's true what they say; time flies when you're being a miserable bastard.Bottom of Form
Advent Calendar Door 3: It’s a cracker!
A Christmas cracker, obviously, not one of those non-Christmas crackers you see now and then. Here’s a tip: when the time comes this year to pull a cracker with a loved one or family member, increase your chances of victory by placing your thumb INSIDE the cracker so as to pin the cardboard strip against the inner wall of the tube. This will both guarantee a satisfying crack, and also improve the odds of you winning the cracker spoils by 68% #themoreyouknow
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Comments:
Dave - I am so competitive I will actually do this thanks
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Chris Gates - Let me know how it turns out, I've not actually done a scientific study of this. I estimate that I have pulled roughly 70 crackers in my lifetime, because in my family we do them on New Years day as well, and then you've got to factor in work parties and various occasions and dinners during the Christmas period, but also I can't be sure when I pulled my first cracker, but let's say I was two years old. So I say that would make an average of 2.5 crackers per year, and I've only been using this technique for the past five years and haven't been logging my results so this is purely theoretical. With the proper funding we could make something of this, Dave, let's compare notes on Boxing Day.
Advent Calendar Door 4: It’s a present!
A red, lidded box tied with a green bow, like you see in the movies. It’s an unusually tall present, I suspect that it contains a stripper but it's impossible to tell; it’s only a drawing so there’s no way to prove what the box contains. It’s in constant state of flux, like Schrödinger's cat.
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Comments:
Chris Gates - Also, commiserations to Emma who incorrectly guessed that today's picture would be a candy cane. Thanks for playing all the same.
Emma - dammit this would have been my next guess candy cane tomorrow!
Chris Gates - I was as surprised as anyone, Ems, it was such a solid guess I really thought your luck was in because the window was tall and thin, as though to suggest an object with the dimensions of a candy cane, but then that present came straight out of left field. I think that whoever made this calendar is trying to keep us on our toes, and you know what? I thank them for it because it simply DOES NOT DO to get complacent in this game.
Louise - I'm stacking all my chips on a christmas pudding.
Alex - What about Christmas tree?
Emma - No Alex, christmas trees come later in the calendar, christmas trees are more of a december 22nd thing
Chris Gates- Emma's spot on with that comment, I would even go so far as to say that a Christmas tree is a strong contender for door 24.The thing about advent calendars is that you've got to leave yourself room to build, and given that this is a fairly secular calendar you're not going to have, say, a manger scene, or any religious iconography really, the only real big cards you can play are Christmas tree and Santa Clause. Louise, a Christmas pudding is a very good guess, personally I think it might be mistletoe.
Advent Calendar Door 5: It’s a creepy little urchin carol singer! This was not a pleasant thing to be confronted with at seven o’ clock in the morning, he’s a little round headed boy with black holes in his face where his eyes and mouth should be. It’s like something Tim Burton would draw, “The Boy Who Sang Nightmares”.
Advent Calendar Door 6: It’s a sprig of holly! One of the three bits of famous Christmas foliage, along with the Christmas tree and mistletoe. Christmas really does have it all doesn’t it? Shits all over Easter.
Advent Calendar Door 7: IT'S FUCKING SANTA CLAUS!
What? I mean, WHAT? This is insane! They're busting out the big guns and we're not even into double digits! Seriously guys, I'm worried that this calendar has blown its wad too soon; where do you go next? I mean, an elf I could have understood at this point, but fucking SANTA? Captain Christmas himself? It's not even like they've got Jesus up their sleeve for later because this is a secular calendar. Wow, I don't know about you but I need a lie down. (Incidentally, finding a particular advent calender door when you're hangover is really really hard).
Advent Calendar Door 8: It's two children building a snowman!
I've never really seen it snow enough for snowmen until after Christmas, the only association I have between Christmas and a snowman is The Snowman cartoon, you don't really see snowmen in this country until after the new year so this doesn't really work for me. Again, I think the artist feels the same way because oh look! One of the children building the snowman is wearing a Santa hat! Well ding dong merrily on high.
Advent Calendar Door 9: It’s a candle!
But it’s in a black, wrought iron framed glass case with a sprig of holly stuck on the front, it looks the same sprig from door number 6 but I checked and that one’s still there so it must be another one. Anyway, what’s the deal with black wrought iron lamps and Christmas? Must be a Dickens thing. Or C.S Lewis, I suppose.
Advent Calendar Door 10: It’s a star!
But it’s an anime sort of star, five pointed and yellow with eyes and a mouth and for some reason it’s blushing. Why would a star blush? I mean, they’re in a position to see a lot of stuff but you’d think that that would mean they’d be fairly jaded and unshockable so why’s this one so bashful all of a sudden? Ha, it sounds like the start of a cracker joke doesn’t it?
Q. Why did the star blush?
A. Because it saw a full moon.
No? Fine, you do better.
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Comments:
Charlotte - Because he saw Uranus?
Chris Gates - HOW DID I MISS THAT? My powers are weak.
Advent Calendar Door 11: It’s two kids on a sleigh!
These kids, I might add, are the same kids were building a snowman behind door 8; smug little bastards rubbing all this Christmas snow fun-time in my face. WHERE’S MY SNOW, EH? You think it’s easy living in the South East of England do you? Growing up and watching The Snowman on TV every year, believing with childish wonder that if only it snowed I could build a magical friend who would actually take me flying? You know what I got? Sodding ground frost. Every time. Actually, it’s probably for the best; I’m rubbish at building snowmen, if one of my snowmen came to life all it would do is drag itself round the garden saying “Kill meeee, kill meee…” ...which is not what you want at Christmas.
Advent Calendar Door 12: Awww, it’s milk and cookies left out for Santa!
I tried to give a present to Santa when I was a kid, it just seemed like the right thing to do you know? It was this clay bowl I’d made at infant school, un ugly misshapen thing which I’d painted orange and green but it’s the thought that counts; I asked my parents if I could give it to Santa but they told me that there wouldn’t be enough room on his sleigh for it. Now this is a ridiculous thing to say when you consider how fucking big Santa’s sleigh would have to be, which was more or less my argument at the time, but my parents didn’t feel it necessary to change their story through what I can only assume was a lack of imagination on their part.
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‘But there’s loads of room on his sleigh!’ I said
‘No there isn’t,’ I was told.
‘He could put it under his chair!’ I said
‘No he couldn’t,’ they doggedly replied.
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Anyway, I remained unconvinced and left the clay bowl out for him on Christmas Eve; I knew I was right so what did it matter what my parent’s said? Of course there’d be room on Santa’s sleigh for a little clay bowl! But when I woke up the bowl was still there and ‘Santa’ had left a letter explaining that he appreciated the gesture but that unfortunately he was unable to take the bowl because it wouldn’t fit on his sleigh. So, that’s how I stopped believing in Santa and also humanity in general.
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Comments:
Ken - Heartrending
Phil - I would like to see the whole month of these is one volume.
Chris Gates - Random House have expressed an interest.
Jonathan - This is the best explanation of what's behind an advent calendar door ever.
Nerys - But what happened to the little bowl that nobody wanted? (gets tissue ready)
Chris Gates - I took it to university to use as an ashtray, it lasted two years until one day I left it out in the rain and it fell apart. It's probably in a landfill right now.
Roz - This is an excellent metaphor for life - we are all clay pots, returned to the earth eventually.
Chris Gates- I should probably add that my mum and dad just took me out to lunch just now, they came all the way to where I work and surprised me. I told them about this post and we all laughed over it. Swings and roundabouts, eh?
Advent Calendar Door 13: It’s a stocking!
By which I mean a Christmas stocking and not a sexy lady type stocking, eh Lads? Lads? Eh? Lads? Can you get sexy advent calendars do you think? I’m talking about a proper cardboard ones and not your modern online flash advent calendars, I imagine there are a fair few of those. I’m at work at the moment and therefore am unable to Google ‘sexy advent calendar’ or any variation thereon, but I don’t think that they’d do them; I mean, what would your market be? Oooh, I think I’ve found the exception to Rule 34.
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Comments:
Sarah B - You were so carried away you didn't describe the stocking! Was it a traditional red one? Did it have a pattern? Come on FOCUS Mr Gates!
Chris Gates - Sorry Sarah, you're quite right. It's a knitted stocking, with a green festive pattern, there's a candy cane sticking out of the top (the candy cane has green stripes and not red) and also a wrapped, boxed present of the same style we have already seen behind door 4. I know; a wrapped present in a stocking! Lavish.
Advent Calendar Door 14: It's a bauble!
Not much I can say about this really, it's red, round and hanging from a bit of green which I suppose is meant to represent a Christmas tree branch. I had to Google 'bauble' to be sure of the spelling and accidentally found out that a Bal-Bal is a monster in Philippine mythology that steals corpses and eats them, so be sure to read the packaging when buying your decorations this year.
Advent Calendar Door 15: It's a bugle!
You know, one of those Christmas bugles you see everywhere all the time. Don't you remember? Your dad would have played one during the Queens Speech, and everyone has a 'you can't eat your sprouts until you've finished your Christmas bugling' story'. Jesus.
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Comments:
Nerys - The bugle is traditionally sounded today to remind all mums everywhere to put the sprouts on to boil.
Advent Calendar Door 16: It’s a candy cane!
You know what they look like right? Red and white striped like a barber’s pole. In some parts of Asia a red and white striped pole indicates a brothel and not a barbers, which might have led to a few Western travellers leaving Asia with an amusing anecdote, but which must be very very unsettling for certain Asians coming into the west looking to have a good time.
Advent Calendar Door 17: It’s a snowflake!
Just a standard snowflake really, you can go on about how every one is unique as much as you want but they all look alike to me. Not that I’m a snowflake racist or anything. Seriously though, the lengths I go to for you people; I left my house this morning and walked for five minutes before I realised that I hadn’t opened my calendar so I literally ran back home rather than disappoint you. I’m not in the best shape either, AND I live up a massive bloody hill AND it nearly made me late for my train. So, yeah, you’re welcome.
Richard - Fa-la-la-la-laa la-la-la-laa
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Comments:
Ian - The lesson from all this is that you could comfortably leave at least seven or eight minutes later every morning. This advent calendar will pay for itself in time saved, eventually.
Advent Calendar Door 18: It’s a rocking horse!
One of the three leading figures of the rocking community along with the chair and, of course, Robin. I think I had a rocking horse growing up, but I really genuinely can’t be sure if that’s a memory from my own childhood or just something I saw in a film. Similarly I can’t be sure that I ever drew Kate Winslet ‘like one of my French girls’, but they’re both happy memories so leave good enough alone I say.
Advent Calendar Door 19: IT’S A BEAR!
What’s so Christmassy about a sodding bear? I mean, this is a teddy bear and not, you know, a grizzly or whatever, so I guess it’s meant to be something that someone’s gotten for Christmas (although there’s nothing in the picture to suggest that, exposition isn’t a crime you know) but bears, and therefore teddy bears, are not inherently Christmassy. I mean, I can see a case being made for a polar bear but I think even that’s a stretch.
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Comments:
Chloe - It's true! Bears have been getting away with this for too long. Someone (and by someone I mean you) needs to do some serious investigative journalism into whatever deal it is these Teddy Bears have struck with Ol' Saint Nick.
Advent Calendar Door 20: It’s a Christmas tree!
I don’t believe this guys, they’ve already had Santa and now they’ve got a Christmas tree, what’s left for door 24? A turkey? A fireplace? The Radio fucking Times? This calendar is a maverick; it’s going to be a tense few days for all of us.
Comments:
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Martin - This has been riveting. My money is on a nativity scene.
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Chris Gates - Thanks Martin, but this is a fairly secular calendar so I don't think it will be. I mean, if you look at the picture above you'll see that there's a church on there, but that's been the only nod to Christianity so far. No angles, wise men or baby Jesuses.
Dan - It'll probably be a pro-abortion slogan
Chris Gates - If it's not then I'll have to draw one in again.
Roz - I think it will be a big present all tied up with a lovely bow. Or a ruddy great big candle.
Phil - I see it sort of like this. One of these for every day with a photo in the right hand corner of each design. Chris, you take the photos I'll produce this. This project is too too good to let slip into Facebook history.
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Chris Gates - Phil, I love you so much and if it were medically possible I would have your babies, or give you mine if you don't swing that way. I'll have to sort this out tomorrow, too busy tonight. I've got a camera but I don't know how photos will turn out. I have no editing software.
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Chris Gates - Roz, we've already had a present. You clearly haven't been paying attention so you've embarrassed yourself there.
Advent Calender Door 21: It's a bell!
Tied with a red bow and a sprig of holly. It's mainly holly if I'm honest, the bell's sort of peeking out from beneath it, I think that the artist was a bit self concious about just putting a bell and so felt the need to gussy it up a bit. I'm really curious about this person who doesn't think that bells are Christmassy enough without of bit of holly and yet, as we have previously seen, thinks bugles and bears are sufficiently synonymic of Christmas on their own, thank you very much.
Advent Calendar Door 22: It's a snowman!
Red hat, coal buttons and sticks for arms. This is peculiar because we've already had a snowman, as I'm sure you'll all remember, behind door number 8. You know what? There was definitely more than one artist working on this calendar and clearly they didn't communicate because, frankly, this is a bloody shambles.
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Comments:
Sarah B - Hope you put your complaint in writing to the company
Chris Gates - There aren't any contact details on the calendar, not even a company logo or copyright info. Bloody shambles.
Sarah B - You should have known it was a shambles from the start - if they won't even put their name to it
Chris Gates- It might have said something on the packaging but I threw that away already. I might have to go through W H Smith.
Sarah B - Ah for sure - get the manager onto it
Chris Gates This is frustrating, I can't find the same calendar on their website. WHO ARE YOU PROTECTING WH SMITH?
Advent Calendar Door 23: It's a great big fuck off Christmas pudding!
It's of a design that you mainly see in drawings and not real life, a great brown orb with it's northern hemisphere coated in white icing which slowly rolls downwards like a sheet of ice on a planet in the advanced stages of climate change; a truly majestic sight. But then they've also stuck some holly on the top (surprise) which is placed in such a way as to make the pudding look like a fat, winged creature, the end boss of a twisted festive video game.
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Comments:
Jonny - I'm going to miss these updates in 2 days time.
Chris Gates- Thanks Jonny, your consistent likes have not gone unnoticed.
Advent Calendar Door 24: It's Santa Clause again!
Only this time he's placing presents beneath a Christmas tree, and this drawing confirms my theory that at least two artists were working on this calendar because where as the Christmas tree behind door 20 was of the standard shape, this is more like a nebulous green gas with baubles floating in it like planets in some sort of Christmas galaxy. Honestly, no planning at all. I think that it was a married couple who designed this, but they're marriage broke down just before they started but they'd already been given the commission so they had to go through with it and the wife was all like 'Okay, let's each just do half the doors so I don't have to see or speak to you, but I'm drawing Santa, a snowman and a Christmas tree so you can't draw them, okay?' and the husband was all like 'No way, you're already getting the kids and the house, don't take this away from this as well!' and she said 'You're such a child John! Be a man for once in your life!' and John was like 'Well you're just like your mother' and then he picked up his bags, stormed out the door and now I'm stuck with this disaster of a calendar. Ah well, better luck next year I suppose. Merry Christmas x x x