#CGACC2014
"It's not as if they're paying you"
It's at this point, and indeed, probably at every other point in this whole saga to be fair, that you might be asking yourself a question that a lot of creative people have to face at some point, even if it's only from themselves: 'Why the fuck are you doing this?'
'If,' you might continue to ask, 'it's time consuming, if it's not making you money and since it's certainly not getting you laid any time soon, then why?'
Which is a fair question if a little salty, but also, in respect of that last point, well, let's just say you'd be surprised.
This one particular nearly got me fired because at various points this is what I was doing INSTEAD OF MY JOB. And I wasn't even bothering to be subtle about it, to the extent that at one point, a colleague leaned over and quite scathingly whispered 'are you going to do any work today? Or are you just going to work on your poxy advent calendar?' Which, again, is a mightily fair point, to which I don't have a fair response.
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It's what I wanted to be doing, that's all I can say really. And I suppose you can also make the argument about the dopamine hit of getting likes and comments on social media, and in fact that's probably a very good argument to make, but also, you know, here I am all these years later trying to make a go of it as a writer, and I wouldn't have got here without writing. So, also, in many ways, the only answer to the saltiest of questions 'why the fuck are you doing this?' is an equally salty 'Mind your own fucking business.'
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Ladies and Gentlemen, the long wait is over. I appreciate that it has difficult time for you all and I want to make it clear that I was deeply moved as I read the texts, Facebook messages, emails and letters (not kidding; actual goddamn letters) that you’ve sent in over the last twelve months all clamouring for the return of the Chris Gates Advent Calendar Campaign (CGACC); deeply moved and also deeply confused because it’s sort of a date specific event and there’s literally nothing I could have done to bring it round any faster. Honestly, use your brains. For those who do not know what I am talking about, or who have forgotten or who have undergone surgical procedures to eliminate all memories of it (and I know there are at least six of you), basically it’s sort of become tradition for me to post on Facebook each day a description of what’s behind my advent calendar door. Yeah, I know: it’s awesome.
This is a free service I provide to those who have, for reasons I still don’t really understand, decided not to get their own sodding advent calendar, I like doing it and about twelve people seem to enjoy it, and so if you don’t like then that’s fine, just try not be a cunt about it, okay? Happy Holidays and let the games begin! (First door posted shortly after midday today)
Comments:
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Matt - Ooh this is like when people 'unbox' their iPhone on YouTube!
*pulls up a pew*
Mill - I'm in. But I have my own advent calendar too. Am I still allowed to read these posts?
Chris Gates - Mill, all are welcome to the CGACC. Plus, I suspect that your 'advent calendar' is one of those ones with chocolate in them which is against everything I stand for and a corruption of the noble Advent Calendar. If this is indeed the case then you should certainly read my posts and perhaps dwell on your materialistic shallowness.
Chloe - Yes! I literally put off eating a flapjack for 3 minutes to read this. Midday here we come...
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Joe K - I give it two years before you're hawking John Lewis offers in every post in some sort of sponsorship arrangement.
'Oooh, look what's behind December 11th. A reduced price toaster'. You'll sell out just like the rest of our Christmas heroes did Chris
Chris Gates - NEVER!
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Advent Calendar Door 1: It’s a toy bear!
Urgh, there’s always a bloody bear and they’re just not Christmassy are they? The artist has clearly realised his mistake here because he’s put a green bow around the bear’s neck to zhuzh it up a bit (yes, that’s how you spell it). Confusingly though, he’s also put a little red present in the bear’s lap. If the bear itself is a present then why is it not also wrapped? Who’s that present for? The only logical conclusion is that the present is for the bear, which is just weird. I can understand people getting presents for their pets, but getting presents for your TOYS? That’s just sad.
As an opening gambit I think that this is pretty weak, but it’s early days yet so I’ll reserve judgment for the moment.
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Comments:
Neal - And so the Christmas misery begins
William - Is there a calendar that provides chocolate versions of Christian saints? that would be nice. Milk chocolate St Jerome.
Mill - If the john Lewis advert has taught us anything, it's that presents for toys are the in-thing this year.
Mill - Also my advent calendar had a snowman wearing a hat
Chris Gates - Don't get me started on that penguin and its little pimp friend. .
Annie B - Could these updates be accompanied by a picture perhaps? You pour such scorn over this bear and yet we cannot judge it for ourselves!
Chris Gates - I've thought about taking pictures and I might do it next year, but since I don’t currently have a smartphone it would be a hassle on a day to day basis. I’ve thought about just opening all the doors at once and photographing each one, writing a description, saving them and just posting them as the month goes, but that sort of takes the fun out of it for me because I like having to come up with stuff on the day. Sorry Brooks, you're just gonna have to trust me on this one. Plus, I'm not saying it's the bear's fault, I've got no beef with the bear, the bellend in this equation is the artist what drew him.
Elaine - I bought an advent calendar for my dog...
Chris Gates- Does he/shelike the pictures or is there a small portion of dog food behind each door?
Elaine - Apparently there is a queue to get on the pets at home website. Pet owners black Monday I don't know...well I was disappointed because it was a doggy chocolate with a bauble print. And left behind an indentation that's barely noticeable-no picture. Als…
See more
Chris Gates - Tut tut tut, another advent calendar experience ruined by substandard confectionary. You’re not alone, Elaine, and I don’t judge you, though possibly you’ll be more careful in future. In the meantime, I suggest you write to the Citizens Advice Bureau
...or watchdog.
Matt - Mine was a jolly chocolate Santa head. I enjoyed nomming on the chocolate.
However, the warped plastic has obscured any artwork behind and has spoilt my enjoyment of the overall product thus far.
Advent Calendar Door 2: It’s a cooked turkey!
Ah, nothing says ‘Christmas’ quite so much as the roasted carcass of a flightless bird. Strangely, it’s got those little white things over the feet, I’ve not seen them in real life but they look like little chef-hats, I don’t know the word for them. Bone-cosies? Death socks? Anyway, I’m glad to see that it’s a cooked turkey because sometimes it’s just a turkey in its pre-abattoir state; alive and clucking. It shouldn’t matter I suppose, we all know where meat comes from, but the implied message of ‘this is what you’re going to eat’ is much nicer than ‘this is what’s going to die’.
There are also trimmings, sort of, but, um, it’s not clear what they are; seven green, roundish objects placed around the turkey’s base. They’re not sprouts because they’re too big, they’re not potatoes because they’re too green…are they limes? Is that a thing? What is this, Christmas dinner or a Mojito?
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Comments:
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Emily
Where's the photo?!
Chris Gates - There is no photo. There have never been photos. Do keep up
Emily B - But it's a new request this year!
Chris Gates - If you need pictures then why not just make them in your head?
Matt - Mine was a snowman. The excitement of yesterday's Advent event was too much obviously as I ate today's chocolate with a creeping sense of despair and hopelessness. The picture behind the chocolate was a sleigh.
Amanda D - I need to find mine!! Yep.. Got it.. Micky club house one!
One star & one ugly angel..uhr & they taste like...syrup
Chris Gates - This is why chocolate calendars are awful, you’d be better off getting a normal calendar and an accompanying packet of minstrels, then you wouldn't have to put up with substandard chocolate, obscured pictures and also the hassle of pushing an individual chocolate out the door without bothering the other doors. Honestly, it’s a total hassle marketed as a treat. Free yourselves for this festive oppression brothers and sisters!
Amanda D- God yeah.. It's such a chore..
Rebekkah - My advent chocolate today was all melty. :{
Chris Gates - I rest my case
Rebekkah - They can be good, if the chocolate is of decent quality-but what can you expect from Thorntons?
Chris Gates - Yes, but the quality of the chocolate isn't even the main issue; the fact is that chocolate calendars are inherently evil and represent the death of imagination.
Rebekkah - I understand the imagination part-it supplies a treat for something that has required minimal effort :{
Chris Gates - I rest my case. Again.
Amanda - Is this debate going to go on much longer? Isn't it almost time to open door number 3??! Can't wait to eat another one!!
Advent Calendar Door 3: It's a sprig of mistletoe!
The festive tool of seduction. Well not really; mistletoe just isn’t sexy is it? Maybe I’ve just been moving in the wrong circles all these years but nothing exciting has ever happened to me under the mistletoe; I don’t know anyone for whom a passionate encounter began with a mistletoe kiss and I don’t know any couples who spice things up over the festive season by hanging mistletoe over their bed. It’s more ‘saucy’, which is sexy’s cheeky English cousin; a guilt free way to kiss a person you’re not married to when you’re pissed or a way for lechy men to harass women with impunity at the office party.
It’s very disappointing when you first hear about mistletoe and get all excited about the people you might kiss or be kissed by and then all that happens is you get a peck on the cheek from your auntie.
I think mistletoe’s more a thing for middle aged people to enjoy, like drinking sherry or prostate exams.
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Comments:
Vicky - Which we will all remember when we are old and saucy
Amanda - Ur a cynic! I had my first kiss under the mistletoe at school..it .. It was very romantic & he became my boyfriend!
Sarah G - I got a kiss from the fittest boy in school who was a whole 2 years above me under the mistletoe..... My friends couldn't believe it.... #lovethemistletoe #cutememories
Chris Gates - Well I'm very happy for both of you. Anyone else got any mistletoe confessions they want to rub in my face?
Ralf - I vaguely recall reading somewhere that the Druids thought mistletoe was connected to fertility because the squashed berries looked like spunk. Rub that in yer face.
Yvette - I recall i nice cheeky kiss under some mistoletoe. However, i like this status
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Chris Gates - Mistletoe update: I accidentally stood under some mistletoe in a pub and was kissed on the cheek by a lady! God bless us; every one.
Advent Calendar Door 4: It’s a stocking!
A brown stocking with patches sewn on the toe and the heel, it’s got three gifts poking out the top which are:
1) A candy cane, classic red and white
2) A purple thing with white spots
3) A green thing with a ribbon trailing off it
An uninspiring take on a classic advent calendar picture, you feel that the artist is just going through the motions with this one.
Well…I’m furious to be honest with you; You can’t tell from my photo of it but the cover painting is made with bold, expressive brushstrokes, the sort of Advent Calendar that Vincent Van Gough would have made to be sold in W H Smiths for £3.99, had Van Gough worked more with the medium of glitter. It’s a classic bait ‘n’ switch. I didn’t buy an advent calendar, I bought a promise, a promise made by the cover artwork which is NOT being met when drawings like this peek out at me first thing in the morning.
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Comments:
Vicky - Did you not get a chocolate one?
Chris Gates - Thin ice, Vicky. Wafer thin ice.
Advent Calendar Door 5: It’s a pair of mittens!
You know, the kind with string tied between them, it’s the way to make children wear gloves against their will. Can you get the same thing on grown up gloves? I mean, just because you’ve graduated from toddlerhood doesn’t mean your suddenly an expert on keeping track of your accessories; I know quite a few adults who would benefit from having their possessions attached to them with string.
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Comments:
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Justin - All I can remember from the experience of wearing mittens on a string was the limited movement of my arms and hands. It was like soft woollen medieval torture.
Advent Calendar Door 6: It's a Christmas wreath!
Christmas and funerals, funerals and Christmas; two very different occasions but both powerful leaders in the wreath market; it'd be a tough decision if ever it came to deciding which one to use at Santa's funeral, it may even cause open hostility between the two factions, possibly all out Wreath War, so in many ways it's a good thing that Santa's still alive and with us today.
Advent Calendar Door 7: It's an angel!
Well, angel is a strong word, it's more of a fairy with pink clothes, apple cheeks and blonde doll's hair, but it does have a halo and so it is technically an angel. But, um...okay, so this is not a religious calendar; there will be no wise men, no manger scene and no baby Jesuses, and so I get that this angel is more of a Christmas tree decoration kind of angel and not the celestial 'O beauteous wings hath His heavenly sword' kind of angel, but this is just insulting. It looks like something out of The Raggy Dolls.
Advent Calendar Door 8: It’s a sprig of holly!
Well, that’s it for Christmas foliage for a while; we’ve had three of the Big Four already (mistletoe, wreath and now holly) and we’re not even in to double digits yet, so if plant life’s what flicks your switches then you’ll have to wait because all that’s left is our old friend the Christmas Tree which, for people who pay attention to this sort of thing, is a strong contender for door 24. This is a bold move on behalf of the artist but I fear he may have blown his wad too soon in terms of greenery, there’s still a long way to go.
Advent Calendar Door 10: Holy Jesus it’s a Christmas tree!
Well, I don’t think anyone was expecting this, I certainly wasn’t; when I opened the door this morning I was so surprised that I LITERALLY gasped. My housemate asked “What’s wrong?”
I said “There’s a Christmas tree behind this door”
“So?” He asked
“Well, there’s already been mistletoe, holly and a wreath so…”
“So what?”
“Well, there are no more Christmas foliage left.”
“And…?”
“AND Christmas trees don’t normally appear this early, sometimes they don’t appear until door 24.”
In the end he had to leave the room for some reason, but I could tell that he was as shocked as I was.
The question now is ‘what’s behind door 24?’ If not a Christmas tree then is it Santa? As previously discussed, this is not a religious calendar so there will be no manger scene or baby Jesus. Hmm, I think the calendar artist has shown his hand too early in the game, or maybe it’s just a clever double bluff. Ladies and gentlemen, this is going to be a TENSE couple of weeks.
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Comments:
Mill - it's like deal or no deal, only better.
Catherine - This is turning into gripping stuff! I am tense already!
Ken - I'm hoping for a pumpkin tomorrow.
Emma - He clearly couldn't cope with stress of the situation. A Christmas tree on day ten.... It's MADNESS
Mill - i just opened mine and i got a christmas tree too. Conspiracy.
Chris Gates - WHAAAAAATTTT?
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Mill - IKNOWRIGHT??!
Advent Calendar Door 11: It’s a snowman!
This is my favourite picture so far because of all the drawings of snowmen I’ve ever seen, this looks like one I could actually build. None of this three-tiered nonsense you sometimes see, no perfect spheres, no arms and no legs, just one pile of snow heaped on top of another slightly larger pile of snow. Last year, I said that it was a good job that snowmen didn’t really come to life like in 'The Snowman' because most of them would just drag themselves ‘round the garden with their stick-arms saying ‘Kiiiill meeeee….’, but maybe they’d actually just be like the underclass of the snowman society, (The Snowletariat, if you will) and the 1% of snowmen who were skilfully crafted probably would swan around and go hobnobbing with Santa Clause but it would fall to the ordinary snowman to do all the snowman work…which admittedly is just standing around in gardens but it’s the principle of the thing damn it!
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Comments:
Jonny - Snowletariat. Well played.
Chris Gates -Yes, I was pleased with that as well.
Advent Calendar Door 12: It’s baubles!
Four magical baubles which are somehow hanging from nothing. So what, just because it’s Christmas there’s no such thing as gravity? Or there IS such a thing an invisible Christmas Tree? I mean, I know it’s the time for miracles but come the fuck on. And even if I AM meant to suspend my disbelief, who the hell hangs four baubles on the same branch? That’s psychotic! Well, maybe not psychotic but definitely ill-advised; if you overload your tree then it will drop more needles, that’s just science, and if you have an invisible tree that drops invisible needles then you’re setting yourself up for a year of stabbed feet. Hoover all you like, you'll never get them all.
Advent Calendar Door 13: It's a cracker!
Look, I'll level with you; I have a hangover the size and density of one of the larger planets e.g. Jupiter, and I'm struggling to cope with reality. To be perfectly honest, it took me an embarrassingly long time to find the correct door. No, really, like, for five minutes I was a grown, adult man holding a glittery bit of cardboard in my hand, tilting it this way and that and just NOT UNDERSTANDING what I was meant to be doing. Most of the time was wasted in trying to find door 12 because I'd forgotten the date. So yeah, we're passed the halfway mark now, if you haven't done your Christmas shopping yet you might want to do that today like I was going to.
Advent Calendar Door 14: It's, um, it's flowers!
Yeah, you know, Christmas flowers, let's all pretend that that's a thing shall we? In all my years of advent calendaring (ha! calendaring it a word, who knew?) I've never been so offended, I mean what the actual fuck have flowers got to do with Christmas? Flowers don't even grow in winter so what are they doing here? I'm think I'm going to break convention and post a picture because I'm really struggling to understand the artist's intention here.
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Comments:
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Sarah G Is it one of those red flowers that you only get at Christmas, the poisonous ones??
Chris Gates - Oh right! Had to google it but I think that's exactly what is it. They're called Poinsettia apparently http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poinsettia
Kate - That looks like a Poinsetta to me? Sorry Chris but Christmas flowers is a thing... Ps keep up the good work!
Chris Gates - Well shut my mouth. I've learnt something so I can't be too angry.
Chloe - You've shown us a picture of a door. I think this technically means you have to cram a chocolate in there and then take it out and eat it.
Chris Gates - Chloe. No. Just no.
Advent Calendar Door 15: It’s a red candle!
Ah, the red candle, suitable for all occasions whether it’s used as part of a decorative festive centrepiece at Christmas dinner, or as part of a sacrificial ceremony in an abandoned warehouse where a goat is killed to honour our glorious lord Satan; O fear his name, O fear his name. A classic advent calendar picture.
Advent Calendar Door 16: It’s a gingerbread man!
What? No, nuh-uh, no way, absolutely no way; a gingerbread man is not sufficiently Christmassy in and of itself to include on an advent calendar. I do appreciate that you can get Christmas gingerbread men, but you have to understand that this is not one of those, this is an ordinary gingerbread man; no green and red icing, no little Santa hat, nothing. Just white buttons and a smiley face. Yeah, smile all you want you smug little bastard, YOU’RE RUINING CHRISTMAS FOR EVERYONE.
Look, it’s really really simple: if a thing is inherently Christmassy, like Santa or mistletoe or mince pies, then I’m more than happy to see it on my calendar. If, however, a thing is not inherently Christmassy BUT HAS A CHRISTMAS VARIENT, then that variant is what I expect to see here. You know what? Next year I might just make my own sodding calendar.
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Comments:
Rob - Gingerbread is a traditional food eaten at Christmas in several Eastern European countries! Obv the advent calendar is trying to incorporate as many different nationalities at this peaceful time of year as is the point of this wonderful time of year! STOP BEING RACIST!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sarah B- How many more disappointments needed for you to really make your own calendar? Or will you accept public voting?
Chris Gates - Rob, just because you've looked up Gingerbread men on wikipedia doesn't mean you can call me a racist. Besides, I'm on pain killers so it doesn't count.
Vicky G - I want an existentialist calendar. Each day you learn a new quote about how you're alone in the universe.
Rob - Me too I want to know why he's alone everyday! Although I can hazard a guess!
Plus I know about gingerbread cos I was married to a Czech and every year went over there where I was force fed it before I escaped! You see I had to live this life so I could call you racist!
Jonathan - This seems like the worst calendar yet. Write a letter.
Chris Gates - Jon, I would write a letter, believe me I would, but there are no identifying marks on the calendar, the artist isn’t named and nor is the manufacturer. I got it from WH Smith so I guess I could write to them, but if they’ve already gone to such lengths to keep the artist’s identity a secret then I’m not sure how much good that would do. Would they even pass my comments on? I don’t think so, do you?
I guess I could always start a petition...
Jonathan - I think the only solution is to teach the artist, calendar manufacturers, and in turn the world a lesson by producing your own entirely Christmasly correct calendar. This way you can also include the Grinch behind one of the doors. Challenged.
Vicky G - At the moment facebook has an advert for "Christmas cups" for me alongside all this, and guess what? One has a ginger bread man. End of discussion
Chris Gates - Pfff, you’re not about to trump me with a Facebook advert. Anyway Vicky, is the Gingerbread man in question a Christmassy Gingerbread man? If so then I have no beef with him, even if it’s not than the source of my beef will be the mug. And let me tell you, I am in NO MOOD for Bovril.
Mill Goble - Errrr, I just opened my advent calendar today and I'm going mad here - not only was it a special double door today, but inside was SANTA!! Wtf?? It's only the 16th!!
Chris Gates - Mill, I'm sorry, I know this must be a tough time for you, especially since you've already had a Christmas Tree on day ten, you must be very worried about what's behind door twenty four. Last year I had Santa on day seven. On day SEVEN, and I honestly nearly gave up hope. Are you okay Mill? Do you want to talk?· · ·
Mill - I'm coping. But door 24 had better be pretty bloody special.
Vicky He was not christmasy. BOVRIL
Chris Gates - Bleeeeuuuurgghhh!
Advent Calendar Door 17: It’s a dove!
Specifically, it’s a dove carrying an olive branch. Guys, maybe it’s a sign of age but I’m actually a little touched by this and I like the fact that the artist included it. As previously stated, this isn’t a religious calendar so at first this biblical symbol seemed strikingly out of place amidst all the bears, pies and snowmen; like seeing Moses on the Graham Norton show or Peter Andre anywhere but the 90s. Despite my earlier protestations concerning non-Christmassy variants appearing in my calendar, I think this is an exception because a dove in a Santa hat would be ridiculous, and Christmas is meant to be a time of peace so this is okay by me.
There was no sales pitch or agenda for the artist to include it for, they just thought it would be nice. This calendar has effectively just shat all over that fucking Sainsbury’s advert.
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Comments:
Mill - Olive branch - a new addition to the Christmas foliage.
Chris Gates - Let's not go nuts.
Jonathan - Redeems the gingerbread man. Approved.
Nerys - Why is a dove with an olive branch a symbol of peace? In the bible, it signified to Noah that dry land was near, so really it's a symbol of relief: "Thank God, I can get off this cramped vessel full of filthy animals." Surely, then it's a symbol for stressed commuters, or anyone thinking of using public transport close to Christmas. It says "Fear not, your broken down train or rail replacement service will get you home eventually".
Jonathan - There should be doves flapping about with olive branches every time a tube train pulls into a London underground station in that case. I like this idea
Advent Calendar Door 18: It's a star!
'Oh good' you might think, 'a beautiful Christmas star, Chris will be happy with that and we can all get on with our day', well guess again. When I think of a Christmas star, I think of a bright, silver point of light shimmering distantly in the cold winter sky, what I've got here looks more like a fucking Pokémon. No really, it's got a face. A smiley yellow face. What would a star even need a face for? Does it need to talk or eat or see when it's out in the cold, black void of space, removed from the company of even its own kind? And if it did have a face then why would it be smiling? Surely any happiness the star might have had would have been eaten away by the millennia of loneliness and left it in a state of bleak insanity. Honestly, it's almost as if this calendar's made for children.
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Comments:
Marcus - Haha, that's funny!
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Chris Gates - Thanks, that's what I was going for
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Matt - The days will be longer and more bleak when I don't have this to look forward to.
Have you considered branching out in the New Year to other celebrations? Or would a critique of Valentine's Day be too dark a place to venture into?
(PS totes ate the rest of my advent calendar chocolates yesterday in a fit of anti-Christmas pique)
Advent Calendar Door 19: It's a Christmas pudding!
The sort that you only ever see in pictures, it looks more like a planet than anything else; a huge, spherical brown giant with white snowcap icing dripping down into the southern hemisphere and a sprig of holly (whoop whoop) perched on the North Pole. What's troubling about this is that it actually looks like it's made out of soil, and it may well be; the artist can do what he likes, after all it's only a drawing so no one's going to eat it unless he draws them doing so, he or she is much like God that way. Let's hope the power doesn't go to thier head, you never know what abomination could appear behind one of these doors.
Advent Calendar Door 20: It's bells!
Yeah bells, not sleigh bells mind you just your normal, every day bells, but it's fine, don't panic, because clearly the artist is beginning to get to grips with my rules about Christmas variants because the bells are red and they're tied together with a green ribbon. Weirdly though, either by accident or design, this colour scheme makes these bells look like two pendulous, tropical fruit so the artist's shot themselves in the foot really. Still, ten out of ten for effort.
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Comments:
Sarah G - Tropical Christmas is totally valid, in fact it's my favourite Christmas flavour. Pineapples & palm trees with fairy lights, Christmas carols with a steel band. Yeah baby
Advent Calendar Door 21: It's a Christmas present!!
Well, more specifically it is a lidded box wrapped in festive paper, so rather it is the container of a Christmas present. I mean, technically you can call the box the present but you are really referring to the object contained within the box; once you discover the nature of said object then the box just becomes a box and the object officially becomes the present. Indeed, there is a period where you don't even have to refer to the object by it's proper name, 'Look this present I got' you can say as you thrust it in the face of a stranger on the bus and, linguistically at least, they won't be able to stop you. But at some point it stops being a present 'This was a present,' you'll say to the police man who hurls you into the drunk tank at four in the morning, 'it's very nice, but I'm going to have to take it off you' he'll say, especially if it's cocaine or a flick-knife. Language is a fickle mistress.
Advent Calendar Door 22: It's a robin!
Not sure why robins are Christmassy but I agree that they are. Here's a video of a robin singing I took whilst having a long, leisurely piss in a stream.
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Comments:
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Chris Gates -I dashed this off before I ran out to do all my Christmas (panic) shopping. I got a call from my bank halfway through wanting to check that my card hadn't been stolen. I can't help but feel a little insulted that my bank defines the act of me, Chris Gates, buying gifts for friends and family at Christmas as 'irregular activity'.
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Vicky G - They spy on you and tell father christmas if you've been good or bad! Why does no one know this?!
Advent Calendar Door 23: It’s a hymn sheet!
It sort of looks like an unfolded newspaper but it’s labeled ‘Carols’ so that you don’t think it’s an unfolded newspaper. In addition, and in case that didn’t make it clear enough, there are a few notes drifting out of it, but this makes it looks as though the hymn sheet itself is singing which, frankly, I find a bit creepy, it’s the sort of thing you might see in The Twilight Zone or during a festive acid trip.
Advent Calendar Door 24: IT’S SANTA!!!!
He’s putting presents under the tree, or possibly removing them, it’s hard to be 100% sure, of course, because all we’re seeing is Santa holding up a wrapped present next to a Christmas tree, and it’s a still image so it’s up to us to infer what happens next. Why shouldn’t Santa be taking presents rather than leaving them? I think it would be a better version of Santa to have, bear with me: what if, rather than telling our kids that Santa brings gifts to the good children but not to the naughty children, we just admit that parents buy the gifts regardless of the child’s merit (which is demonstrably the case), and Santa steals the presents of the naughty children? You could keep kids believing in this version of Santa for much longer, it’s more believable because suddenly he doesn’t have to go to ALL the houses and he doesn’t have to carry a load of presents around the world; the presents he steals he can just chuck in the fire or a nearby river; more creative parents could leave gift-detritus for children to find, like torn or burnt wrapping paper or the ripped-off arm of a stuffed bear. I think that would whip kids into shape much better than the current system, but then most parents will never play the ‘you’ve been naughty’ card, even though their kids are clearly cunts.
Merry Christmas everybody, same time next year x
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Comments:
Sarah B - Love this idea - almost worth having kids just for this!
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Matt - That penultimate line got me guffawing.
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Well I feel honoured to have read your advent updates.
What will next year hold?
Roz - I think you should collate/keep all these somewhere. Not a blog but a self-published book. Get an artist friend to draw the pics based on your descriptions and all that. Happy Christmas
Roger - Brilliant Chris, very funny. Out of interest, what type of kid were you? Did you need whipping into shape... pmsl
Chris Gates - I was disillusioned fairly early on though. Those who were following my advent calendar last year will know that I tried to give Santa a gift when I was a kid, it seemed a decent thing to do, but Mum and Dad said that there’d be no room on Santa’s sleigh which even back then I knew was a fucking ridiculous statement so I left a present out for him anyway and insisted that he’d be able to take one extra gift; I reasoned that even if he was still carrying all his other presents he could just put it under his seat or something. When I woke up my gift to Santa was still there with a note clearly written by Dad ‘from Santa’ which said that he couldn’t fit it on his sleigh. That’s when I stopped believing in Santa Claus and also humanity in general.
Cat - I am at a loss now I have no 'I'm about to email Santa threat'....I know... I can never be arsed to buy stamps. Hey ho. Apparently the Easter bunny is on twitter and he holds no prisoners... Rock on the next massively commercial festival. Shhhh children, mummy's on Facebook.