#CGACC2015
Anger Management
Welcome, dear reader, to what I consider to be the real beginning of the CGACC©, this is the year when I really start investing time and effort into it, It's not at its best yet, but for me, this is where, for lack of a less pretentious phrase, the character really started to find its voice. Its angry, angry voice.
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Around this time I was training to be an actor as well as working a 9-5 office job and commuting for about two hours every day, and basically only had the train ride into work to get these posts done, having nearly been fired the year before for working on the CGACC© when I should have been doing the job I was actaully being paid to do.
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Side note: my boss in that job very quickly became an ardent CGACC© fan, once I stopped stealing company time in order to write it.
Ladies and Gentlemen, old friends and new, long suffering family members, ex-lovers, current crushes, work colleagues, casual acquaintances, terrifying stalkers and concerned bystanders; it brings me great joy to announce that I have in my possession this year’s advent calendar. Please sit down if you start to feel overwhelmed.
To those who don’t know why this news is worthy of an announcement: don’t worry, all will soon become clear, just strap in. Actually, everyone should strap in just to be safe. You have been warned; this is me warning you. I’ll take a very dim view if any of you get hurt and pursue legal action because you didn’t bother to strap in. A very dim view indeed.
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The time is once again upon us. I know that it has been a long, gruelling wait for many of you and I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your patience and, by God, for your courage in the face of adversity. I mean, there have been a few bad apples (as ever) who have been giving me some pretty unpleasant hassle; late night phone calls, threatening emails, unsettling snapchats (please do keep those coming BTW) and just all the general cajoling and clamouring for the return of the Chris Gates Advent Calendar Campaign (CGACC©). All pointless, of course, because, as I have to remind people every year, the CGACC© is a date-specific event and there is LITERALLY nothing I can do to make it happen sooner. Honestly.
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For those who do not know what's going on here, or who have forgotten or who just want to read more words, lemme break it down: due to various factors/complicated psychological issues, it has become tradition for me to post up descriptions of what is behind my advent calendar door every day in the run up to Christmas. Basically, it's exactly as awesome as it sounds.
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It's a service I have provided for free so far (thanks no that's fine honestly thanks it's fine) to those unfortunate wretches who, for whatever reason, can't be fucking fucked to get their own fucking Advent calendar. God love 'em. It's something I enjoy doing and a few other people seem to like it too, so join in or don't join in, but whatever you do don't be a dick.
There are rules, of course there are rules, most of which I'll explain as we go along, but the main one is that I will NOT post pictures of what's behind the doors; if you want pictures then you can make them in your head, the old fashioned way.
Anyway, I think that's everything for now. 1st post goes up tomorrow morning.
Stay in school, kids.
Chris x
Advent Calendar Door 1: It's a reindeer!
Now, be careful, don't casually assume that this is one of Santa's reindeer; there are millions of reindeer in the world, of which only 9 (at most) are Santa's, so that assumption is actually pretty racist. I'm sure this particular reindeer has its own thing going on and I'm gonna respect that.
It's a majestic beast with a noble bearing, holly woven into its mighty antlers, it's got a reddish brown coat and, um, a flowing mane of white-blonde hair...that's weird, right? I mean, I'm no reindeer expert, at best I'm an enthusiast, but reindeers don't have manes like horses do they? No, they bloody well do not; the most basic research will tell you that. What's the artist playing at? How do you get to the point in your life where you've been commissioned to design an advent calendar and not know what a reindeer looks like? Honestly, this bastard looks like he's walked out of a Loreal advert. What's the world coming to?
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Comments:
Jack - I bought my first advent calendar in years to ride along with you on this journey. I went all fancy and everything. Got a Lindt one. Open the door today, and it doesn't have a picture behind it. Just fucking chocolate. Livid.
Chris Gates - Jack, if you were shallow enough to buy a chocolate Advent calendar then I have absolutely no sympathy for you.
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Jack - Who knew a Lindt calendar would have chocolate in it! I certainly didn't
Jonny G- WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Catherine - It has begun.....starting off strong Chis.
Roz - Hellooooo Christmas! We're off.
Eddie - As unmarked/unregistered swans are believed to belong to the Queen does that not mean all reindeer belong to Santa?
Judith - And so it begins! ! This is the reason I go on Facebook!
Advent Calendar Door 2: It's a nut!
Yes, that's right, a nut. A nut is all that's behind this door. A single, lonely, friendless nut. I got up this morning, alive with the promise of a new day, I strode purposely over to where I keep my Advent calendar and, with an electric tingle of anticipation in my fingers, I opened door no. 2 and behind that door I found a picture of *spoiler alert* a nut. Surely this isn't good enough. I mean, I'm aware that there's a connection between nuts and Christmas and I would happily accept BOWL of nuts here, perhaps with a nutcracker next to it and a sprig of holly thrown in for good measure, but I'm afraid that the sight of a solitary almond doesn't exactly fill me with festive cheer. The artist seems to know that they're out on a limb here because they've decided to put a blob of snow on top of it, as if that does anything but make it look like someone's dropped it on the street in Winter.
So there you have it; a poor defenceless almond. Forgotten, abandoned and alone. In the snow. At Christmas. Well, ding dong merrily on high.
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Comments:
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Sarah B - How is the almond positioned? Is it on its side, point up with the snow as a hat?
Chris Gates - Almond is on its side, with a tiny pile of snow on it in a shape reminiscent of a barrister's wig.
Oliver D - My one was a candle in a nest of holly. But it looked more like cock and balls! So in a way, mine was a nut, well nuts, too
Advent Calendar Door 3: It's candy canes!
Two of the fuckers, crossed like the bones of the Jolly Roger, with holly and a bow tied at the centre. When you've seen as many advent calendars as I have, I guess a little déjà vu is inevitable, but I swear I've seen this exact same picture before. Not one like it, but this exact one. I've often wondered whether there's a common stock of Advent calendar pictures; you know, a secret one that you get access to once you've joined The Advent Calendar Guild, kept in a dank vault in a huge upside down pyramid buried beneath London. Or something. I'm not saying there IS an Advent Calendar Guild, you can't prove that I am, and if there is one then it's probably just a tacky club like the Freemasons or the So Solid Crew.
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Comments:
Jonny G - There is. THERE MUST BE!
Advent Calendar Door 4: Advent Calendar Door 4: It's mistletoe!
Ah, mistletoe, the plant equivalent of Tinder.
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This is more a clump of mistletoe than the traditional sprig, more like a heavy hanging bunch really, it's tied up with a red ribbon which extends upwards out of the frame, out of the picture, and into the world of theory where the other end could be fixed to anything; a ceiling beam, a helium balloon or the neck of the Loch Ness monster, or it could simply continue straight upwards uninterrupted through our planet's atmosphere, past the edge of the solar system and deep into the silent void of space, drawn inexorably towards the event horizon of a black hole and, thereafter, into oblivion.
Only 21 sleeps until Christmas, folks!
Advent Calendar Door 5: It's a high heeled shoe!
A fucking high heeled shoe! What the actual shit fucking piss Christ is this doing here? What's Christmassy about a high heeled shoe? I mean, I've seen some spurious crap on Advent calendars in my time but come the fuck on! Okay, okay, alright; I might, I MIGHT, have accepted a red shoe with maybe a puffy white trim around the foot-hole (I don't know the technical term, bite me); you know, like a sexy Mrs Claus kind of vibe, it'd be inappropriate as fuck but I'd accept it, BUT THIS SHOE IS ORANGE! It's a chunky heeled orange shoe with a bit at the front of the foot-hole (bite me) that looks like a triceratops's neck bit (bite me). And don't try and tell me that in some cultures children's shoes are left out by the fireplace for Santa rather than stockings, because this is NOT a child's shoe, okay? Frankly, this looks like something a drag queen might wear, and I can't exactly see RuPaul risking her stage shoes getting sooty, can you?
This is a real worry, it's still early doors (literally) and It's concerning to see the artist clutching at straws already. This is going to be a tense few weeks for all of us. Stay strong, comrades. Stay strong.
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Comments:
Sarah B - This is going to be an intense ride x
Annie B -I look forward to this every year! Can I ask - it the chocolate treat also shaped like a high heeled shoe?
Rebecca - If it's made out of chocolate then how the fuck is it orange?
I think it's because Santa is a secret cross-dresser. This calendar is pushing acceptance and understanding and you've just gone and ruined it, you bigot.
Chris Gates - Whoah whoah whoah, okay, let me clear this up right now: This is NOT a chocolate Advent calendar, I never use chocolate calendars for the CGACC; the simple pleasure of a festive picture should be enough for anyone. Chocolate calendars are everything that's wrong with everything.
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Annie B - Oh God, I feel deeply embarrassed. Don't worry, I'll flagulate myself immediately.
Advent Calendar Door 6: It's Santa! Nope.
No. Nuh-uh. Rookie error. You do NOT bust out Santa this early in the game, you have to build towards Santa, you have to EARN Santa. As usual, this is a secular calendar, so there will be no manger scene and no baby Jesus, your big guns are Santa and the Christmas tree; doors below ten are for wreaths and candles and things of that nature; Santa, if he's not behind door 24, should still at leat be in the 20s. I mean, that's basic right? See, this is the problem with having high standards; you just create more opportunities for the world to disappoint you.
Anyway, so it's Santa and he's got a sack full of presents. Yippee.
Cath - This advent calendar falls into the genre of generally messing with our heads.....
Sarah B - I have no words
Advent Calendar Door 7: It's...um...okay, there's a lot going on here:
It's a robin, with a sprig of mistletoe clutched in its beak, perched on a bauble. This was actually the sign from the Aztec gods that told Santa where to build his workshop. Anyone? No?
Okay, moving on.
This is a pretty ballsy move, actually; it's quite a task to come up with 24 individual Christmassy pictures, and the robin and the bauble are perfectly acceptable as stand alone images, but here they are together. It's like throwing your reserve parachute out of the plane before taking a skydive. Yes it is, that's exactly what it's like. I'd respect this more if the artist had already proved themselves to be loose cannon. I mean, they've already pissed Santa away and now...I'm not sure this is going to end well, guys. What have I gotten myself into?
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Comments:
Sarah B - I don't know if I can take it, we're only on day 7 for goodness sake...think of the children!
Jonny G - This is a roller coaster this year! These are all items you'd expect in the first ten doors, but together? More like a Christmas Eve Eve door.
My bet is carollers for tomorrow. May be going to religious, but I have a feeling.
Chris Gates - We had a bit of carol sheet music last year so this is eminently possible.
Jonny G - If I win, can I do a guest review?
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Chris Gates - Ha. That's a funny joke. You're funny.
Jonny G - I am! I am!
Rob - I reckon by the third week they would have used up all options and the 21st will be a wheelie bin!
Chris Gates - To be fair, we've already had a nut and a high heeled shoe; it's worth bearing in mind that the order they're numbered is not necessarily the order they were drawn in, hopefully the artist is just front loading the dodgy ones.
Mill - You seem to have forgotten we have already had SANTA... Unless you think maybe he was there to balance out the dodgy ones?
Chris Gates - I don't know, Mill. I'm just trying to keep my spirits up really.
Rob - We appreciate the struggle you go through each year. One day an archivist will find this on Facebook and write it down on parchment it may even start a religion! You don't know how these things pan out!
Advent Calendar Door 8: It's a rocking horse!
Ah, back on track with a classic. It's got a white coat, white mane, and blue reins, also, for some reason it's got a sprig of mistletoe on its head, the saucy mare, this is one gift horse you CAN look in the mouth. Yep. That's the joke I've decided to go with and I'm sticking to it, I write these on my train journey to work so time and tiredness are a factor. Sue me.
As I may have mentioned in previous years, I think I had a rocking horse when I was a kid but I can't be 100% sure, I think I might just be remembering one I saw on TV or in a film; I have the same problem remembering whether or not I actually drew Kate Winslet like one of my French girls.
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Comments:
Jonny G - No carollers then? Damn. I have a picture in my head of a rocking horse dressed like a doctor.
Advent Calendar Door 9: It's a present!
The archetypal box and bow, red and orange respectively, with bells on.
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Ah, the inherent mystery of a wrapped present, its contents a greater and more tantalising enigma than Schrödinger's cat or the inner workings of Katie Hopkins' mind.
If you asked me to draw a present then I would definitely draw something like this, but I have never in my life given a boxed and bowed present to anyone; I'm a terrible gift wrapper, I tend to do my wrapping drunk on Christmas Eve or hungover on Christmas morning and so I tend to get presents that are rectangular or square (books, Bluerays and CDs are my usual gift territory) because they are easier to wrap. If ever I get you something irregularly shaped for Christmas then it's either because I love you or because I'm trying to get in your will.
Advent Calendar Door 10: It's a hipster chick!
Yep. No two ways about it, I'm sure it's not what the artist set out to draw but that's definitely what they've drawn: A black haired woman, she's got a French bob half covered by a green beanie hat and she's wearing a purple dress with yellow polka dots. Oh, and she's got wings so I guess this was supposed to be angel, but sticking feathers up your arse does not make you a chicken, as Brad Pitt once said in a film about a fighting club whose name I can't remember.
I just don't buy it. After all, God runs a pretty tight ship up in magical cloud-land and he's famously pretty uptight about people doing their own thing (particularly angels) so I don't see that this flouting of the angelic dress code would be allowed; she doesn't even have a halo, she's carrying a candle which she no doubt bought from a little vintage shop in Hoxton.
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Comments:
Ralf - BURN IT! BURN IT WITH FIRE!
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Chris Gates - That's your answer to everything.
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Ralf - No, sometimes with acid, sometimes with sarcasm, keep up...
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Nerys - Oh no, it's a Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Cuter than your child's first nativity play, flakier than a drift of snowflakes and more of a hot mess than a grande gingerbread latte. Be careful not to show any signs of emotional repression or else she'll latch onto you and won't let go until you let the magic of Christmas into your heart.
Run.
Advent Calendar Door 11: It's a snowman!
At first I was quite happy with this, it's a classic Advent calendar picture and I thought that maybe the artist was finally starting to take this seriously, but there's something really off about this snowman. I mean, there's something off about all snowmen really, without wanting to be a snowman racist; how is it okay that they have coal for eyes AND buttons? If a snowman were to come alive, like in that film whose name I can't remember, would it be blind because it had buttons for eyes or would its coat be able to see? They're just a bit macabre aren't they? The more I think about the prospect of having a living snowman friend the more I think that Tim Burton was on to something when he made The Nightmare Before Christmas.
Anyway, that's not what's bothering me about this snowman: what's bothering me is that it's been murdered. Yep. Murdered. Stabbed with a tree branch, nasty way to go. Some people might just kid themselves that its meant to be an arm, but no; it's a murder weapon. Honestly; the angle of the branch, it's positioning, it's length in proportion to the snowman, all point to murder, m'lord, murder most foul. The Advent calendar artist giveth, and then they taketh away. They drew a poor, defenceless snowman and then they decided that it deserved to die. Friends, we're dealing with a psychopath here. What horrors lie behind these other doors? We shall see, dear reader. I fear we shall all see before long.
Advent Calendar Door 12: It's a little baby lamb!
Alright look, I'm not made of stone, okay? This is freaking adorable. It's a little lamb asleep next to a massive candle and a bit of holly. I don't know what the fuck that's got to do with Christmas but equally I don't care; I actually went 'awww' when I opened the door on this one. I must be getting sentimental in my old age.
Advent Calendar Door 13: Its a bauble and a bell!
Look, I'll level with you: I'm really hungover today. Like, if hangovers were people then mine would be a big fat hairy man unapologetically playing the tuba and he's ugly and smells and reads the daily mail. This happens at least once every year, I honestly had a problem finding the right door just now and it's not befitting of a man of my age & status to be confusedly peering at a glittery bit of cardboard. I'm going to make coffee who wants coffee?
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Comments:
Mill - I need to know more about this bauble and bell. Don't you think it's overkill putting both items together behind one door? They could have split them up and got rid of that weird shoe from a few days ago.
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Chris Gates - Mill, don't get me started. We've actually had a bauble already so this is pretty offensive.
Mill - We did? Did I miss it?? Or did I just forget?
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Chris Gates - Yeah, a robin was perched on it with mistletoe in its beak, I made a joke about it being like the symbol in the Mexican flag, everyone thought it was great.
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Roger - Once?
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Chris Gates - It could happen
Advent Calendar Door 14: It's a bag of gifts!
A candy cane, a green box with a heart on it and a stuffed bear, by which I mean a toy bear and not, you know, a dead bear....however, I did mean an actual, human heart.
No, just kidding. We do have fun don't we?
The bag itself appears to be a canvas bag, so props to the artist for reducing the carbon footprint of the cartoon world. The bag has a bit of holly on it which is the usual go-to to give anything a little extra Christmas boost.
So yeah, pretty solid. My only real question is whether this is meant to be someone's Christmas shopping for various people or whether this is a gift bundle for one person, like a stocking. A bit mean if the former, who gets stuck with the candy cane and what horrible thing have they done to deserve it? I feel really meh about candy canes, and bears for that matter. Again, I mean toy bears; I bloody love a dead bear as anyone who knows me will tell you.
No, just kidding again. Somebody stop me, I'm out of control.
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Comments
Jonny G - You really enjoyed that one, didn't you?
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Chris Gates - Don't ask me, I just work here.
Advent Calendar Door 15: It's some serious bullshit!
Specifically, it's a cat-shaped bit of bullshit, next to a bird-shaped bit of bullshit which is perched on a bullshit box and has got a bullshit star held in its bullshit beak. I'm trying to keep it together here as I sit furiously typing on my commuter train, but I think the other passengers can sense something's up and, as I'm sure you can imagine, I can be pretty terrifying when I'm angry.
Okay, calm down.
Look, I can understand that it can be difficult for an artist to break new ground on an established form, no one understands that better than me, but that's not what's happening here; this artist is just throwing random crap together. The Christmassy elements of this picture are the star in the bird's beak and possibly the box it's standing on, I say 'possibly' because the box is red with yellow polka dots so could either be a wrapped present or an Art Deco table. It's not good enough; the Christmassy elements of an Advent calendar need to be the main event, not the sideshow. At the very least, that cat should be wearing a Santa hat but it's bloody well not. It IS wearing socks, which I agree is adorable, but that's not going to cut it with me. Not today.
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Comments:
Judith - So Chris it's a bit bullshit then? ?
Chris Gates - Just a touch, aye.
Advent Calendar Door 16: Hey, guess what? It's another fucking shoe!
This must be against some sort of law, and if it's not then it should be. There should be some sort of treatise, some sort of fucking Geneva Convention signed between Santa and the baby Jesus for the fair treatment of prisoners of Christmas. Or something, I don't know; history was a long time ago.
My point is that this can't be fair.
I mean, it's not the same shoe and as a matter of fact it's a boot, but nevertheless the footwear quota of this calendar has already been met and some might say that this is somewhat over egging the pudding. However, in all honesty, if I had to choose between the shoes thus far revealed (and there may be more, best prepare yourself for that now) then I'd have to pick this one because this one is at least being used to hold presents, which is a Christmas tradition in some parts of the world #themoreyouknow
It's a green boot with a white trim around the foot hole (still don't know the technical name so please continue to bite me), at first I thought this was a stocking but no, the artist has gone to great trouble to make clear that this is a boot, but again this is a bit drag queeny. Don't get me wrong, I know that drag queens probably really dig Christmas, I'm mainly just surprised that they're being so well represented here.
The presents in the boot are a candy cane (meh) and a beating human heart (kidding).
Advent Calendar Door 17: It's a drum!
A drum with a red diamond pattern and for some reason mistletoe around the bottom. Mistletoe has been very prevalent in this calendar so far, I don't have a problem with that particularly but...look, so this is the Little Drummer Boy's drum right? It's a particular sort of drum, not your standard floor-mounted kit; brother ain't Buddy Rich, ya dig? This is a military, dangle-from-the-neck marching drum and if you put mistletoe on the bottom of it then that's stuff's hanging right over whoever wears it's crotch. Unless this drum is from later, much later, in his drummer career, when he was touring with his band or whatever, this is highly inappropriate. In any case, it's not the sort of thing you'd expect from him is it? I mean, I've never met the little drummer boy myself, we move in different social circles, but I don't think he's really the sort of guy who'd do something so lewd, he's not THAT guy. You know the guy I mean, right? The sweaty, red faced man at the office party chasing Janet from accounts around Wetherspoons with a sprig of mistletoe making little kissing noises.
I dunno, though, maybe all these drummers are all alike. I'm looking at you, um, Phil Collins!
Comments:
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Don - I had my work Christmas party today and had my first Christmas cracker... I love cracker jokes, here it is:
What's the best Christmas present ever?
A broken drum. You just can't beat it!
Chris Gates - Classic
Advent Calendar Door 18: It's a pile of presents!
Again, a lot going on here, the artist clearly failing to commit to their vision which is always sad to see. There's one massive gift with holly themed wrapping paper, on top of that, casually perched on the edge, is a doll with long black hair and a polka dot dress, there's also a smaller pink boxed gift with a blue lid. So far so good, these things are the things I can live with, but on top of it all there is a little mouse, and that little mouse is holding a little present in his little mouse hands, his little mouse leg raised mid-step, about to carry it off to his little mouse home.
Bull. Fucking. Shit.
What exactly am I being asked to believe here anyway? Is this mouse stealing this present? In which case, what sort of example is this setting for children and, indeed, for mice?
Or is it that someone's meant to have bought a present for this mouse? Bought and wrapped with great care I might add, with a little bow and everything. What sort of relationship is someone trying to cultivate here exactly? Mice are vermin; they chew your furniture and crap on your possessions, so why would you want to give one a present? Unless it's poison of course. Yeah, that makes sense actually, that's probably what's happening here; this is just a festive mouse trap. This mouse is getting death for Christmas and it's reign of mousey terror won't last past Boxing Day.
Phew! Sorry guys, false alarm, I'm fine with this picture now.
Advent Calendar Door 19: It's a sleigh!
Right. Okay. I mean, presumably this is Santa's sleigh right? That's not an unreasonable leap is it? It's fairly iconic isn't it, Santa's sleigh, and so if you draw a sleigh and don't want people to think it's Santa's sleigh then you've really got to go out of your way to indicate, to COMMUNICATE, that while this is definitely A sleigh it is most definitely not THE sleigh, not Santa's sleigh. Santa's sleigh, its mechanics, its size, its magical, gift-carrying qualities, are the subject of intense debate amongst Clausians (my term) and so if you draw a sleigh then either you take all of that into account or you just draw another sleigh entirely to avoid crapping over the whole issue. I mean, that's right isn't it? Yes? Yes, it is. Good, I'm glad we've got that settled.
The very LAST thing you'd want to do, for example, would be to draw a one-horse, open sleigh and stick, say, three or four presents in it and expect people to go 'oooh, that must be Santa's sleigh, how beautiful it is to behold, Christmas truly is a time for miracles just like Hans Gruber says in that movie Die Hard!' That would be awful, right? A slap in the face to the whole idea of the magic and wonder of Christmas, right? Yes, yes it would and you're completely correct to think that, well done.
So...guess what's behind this door. No, go on, guess.
Fuck my actual life, if I make it out of this year's CGACC with anything approaching a normal blood pressure level then THAT, my friends, will be a true Christmas Miracle.
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Comments:
Mill - The fact that it's one-horse and not eight-reindeer suggests to me it's the one from jingle bells and not Santa's sleigh at all.
Chris Gates - Does the one in the song have presents in it? No it does not. Does Santa's sleigh have presents I it? Yes it most definitely does. Either draw a proper sleigh or don't draw presents in it, is the point I'm making.
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Mill - Just because the presents aren't mentioned in the song doesn't mean they weren't there...
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Chris - Look, if the artist was going to start speculating about the contents of the 'one horse open sleigh' of popular song fame then they should have first firmly established that that was in fact the sleigh that this is; it should have 'jingle bells', it should be 'dashing through the snow' and it should have at least two people in it who are 'laughing all the way'. That's not what this is, it is a sleigh with presents in it and with no further exposition we can only infer that this is Santa's sleigh. Only, it's not Santa's sleigh; it's a fucking disgrace.
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Mill - Is there even a horse?? Or do we not currently know what's pulling this sleigh? Because to me that would be the giveaway.
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Chris Gates - It's stationary and nothing is pictured as being attached to it.
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Mill - In which case, yes, I assume the presents indicate it's meant to be Santa's. You did specify it was a one-horse sleigh that had been drawn though, so you can understand my confusion.
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Chris Gates - That, my dear Millson, was the exact point I was making in the first place.
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Mill - But you did say it was a one-horse sleigh, so here's me picturing it with a horse at the front and defending it, and then it turns out there was no horse in the first place! I rely on you at this time of year, Gates, to provide me with accurate descriptions of advent calendar images, and I'm afraid on this occasion you have failed me and made us both look like fools for arguing something that could have been completely avoided if your initial description had been accurate. I expect better from you tomorrow.
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Chris Gates - A one horse open sleigh is called a one horse open sleigh whether or not there is a horse attached to it. It's in reference to its size and weight; as in, it only takes one horse to pull it. If you've made it this far in your life not knowing how sleighs are named then there's nothing I can do for you.
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Mill Goble - But Santa's sleigh must have room for eight reindeer to pull it. So if this one doesn't, it can't be Santa's sleigh regardless of presents in the back. Why shouldn't someone else be delivering their presents by sleigh?
Chris Gates - I feel like you haven't been paying attention this whole time. Santa's sleigh is so iconic that if you are drawing a sleigh and you don't want people to assume that it's Santa's sleigh then you've got to do everything in your power to make clear that it is not Santa's sleigh. I'm not saying that that's what's happening here, I was just anticipating the argument that this was not meant to be Santa's sleigh. This is definitely meant to be Santa's sleigh, what other sleigh famously has presents in it? What's annoying me is that this is a very very poor attempt at drawing Santa's sleigh, due to the fact that it's a one horse number and there's only four presents in it.
Matt - If I may weigh in here?
The 'one horse open sleigh' is the 'other' iconic sleigh from Christmas's breakaway pop hit "Jingle Bells".
However, the confusion here appears to be the somewhat post-modern mashing of both sleighs into one separate entity.
An unholy alliance that I feel is a mirror to the story of the birth of Jesus, if you will.
I do hope that this clears the communication pathways somewhat.
#ChristmasFACT
Chris Gates - Guys...why are we all single?
Mill - I think Matt may have hit the nail on the head here with the assumption that the artist has simply mashed together the two iconic sleighs, and confusion shone around.
Chris Gates - It's possible; behind door number one they tried to give a reindeer a mane like it was a fucking unicorn or something. I should have seen this coming.
Advent Calendar Door 20: It's a heart shaped cookie!
Ugh, *facepalm*
Look, I try to stay positive, I really do; every year I set out with the best of intentions and all I want to do in the goodness of my heart is to spread a little festive cheer. There's nothing I would like more than to be able say every day 'Wow, gee whiz everybody, what a crackerjack picture! Golly, isn't it great to be alive? Same time tomorrow!' and I know that's what you all want too, so when I'm confronted with this, a heart shaped cookie, something that is from A DIFFERENT HOLIDAY, I get angry. I mean, sure, you CAN get Christmas cookies that are heart shaped, it's not like it's jack-o'-lantern or an Easter egg, but there are so many other shapes it could have been! A heart is like the 11th or 12th tier down in terms of what you'd EXPECT a Christmas cookie to be shaped like and so this is unacceptable. I only want the best for you, I hope you know that; I don't get angry on my own behalf, none of this is about me, I get angry because you all deserve better. Stay strong, comrades, we're on the home stretch now.
Advent Calendar Door 22: It's an ice-skate!
That's official then: the artist has totally got a thing for footwear. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, that's the last thing I'm saying, it's just that surely there are more appropriate mediums through which to broadcast your fetish than a bloody Advent calendar. There is SO much Christmassy territory that this calendar hasn't bothered to explore and here we are, at door 22, wasting precious real estate with yet another goddamn shoe. Clearly the artist was in over their head here, that's been obvious for a while and I'm sure they were doing their best, but how did it come to this? Was there no friend the artist could turn to for advice? No one they could call and say 'Listen Esmerelda (for example) I'm really struggling to come up with pictures for this Advent calendar, you've gotta help me! The Advent Calendar Guild say they're gonna take my thumbs if I don't come up with the goods and all I can think of drawing is shoes for Christ's sake! Come on Esmerelda, I need a friend...after all we've been through, after what I did for you in Marrakech, you owe me this much; there's blood on my hands, Esmerelda! THERE'S BLOOD ON MY HANDS....'
So yeah, it's an ice-skate, a white ice-skate, it's got presents poking out it so it's being used as a stocking which, considering it's basically got a fucking knife stuck to the sole, is frankly a health and safety nightmare.
Advent Calendar Door 23: It's a toy train!
A proper, old school, red steam engine with a steel cow catcher and two carriages hooked on behind it; more Ivor than Thomas.
Good, this is fine; there's something iconically Christmassy about a toy train, the sort of thing you'd imagine Santa's elves making in His workshop in the good old days before labour laws were really a thing.
So yeah, good picture. If I were to offer a teensy criticism, and I will do so with the greatest reluctance, it's that for some reason the artist has placed the doll from door 18 and the cookie from door 20 in the carriages. In what universe do these things deserve a call back? It's like if Friends did a clip show but with just clips of Gunther making coffee. Know your audience, mate
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Comments:
Roz - I'm already feeling sad that this will be over tomorrow. Do you do a round-up on Christmas Day? An overall review?
Chris Gates - No, I take a well deserved rest.
Advent Calendar Door 24: It's a Christmas Tree!
Well, thank fuckity fucking fuck balls for that! I honestly didn't know what to expect here, I feel like this could have literally been anything; a pile of dirt, a massive leprechaun, a piano on fire, and I wouldn't have been remotely surprised. This has definitely been the weirdest and angriest CGACC to date; before I started I actually found the email address of the artist who made this calendar and I thought it might be funny to contact her at some point and take her to task in a jokey sort of way, maybe send her a copy of my posts, but I'm glad I didn't because it really might have seemed quite aggressive and threatening.
Anyway, so it's a Christmas Tree which, needless to say, is a classic Advent calendar picture, really just textbook, and ultimately if you are going to pick anything to represent Christmas then the Christmas Tree is really much better than Father Christmas. I mean, why should he get all the credit? He sold out to Coca Cola, he runs a sweatshop, I doubt he pays taxes and he's not even a good father; he's not around for a whole year, he never calls, and then he tries to buy off his guilt with presents. And he's fucking his secretary.
The Christmas Tree is with you through the whole festive ordeal, it is the cornerstone of Christmas; it smells nice, it brings joy, it glows prettily, and then, after its work is done, it's merrily thrown away, and does it ever mutter a word of complaint? Does it ever ask for recognition? No. No it does not, and do you know why? Humility.
A Christmas Tree doesn't have to ponce about in a sleigh acting all magnanimous because, unlike some people, it's not a pretentious, bearded cunt.
So there we have it, it's been emotional, but my work here is done until next year. I've got no deeds to do, no promises to keep; nothing left now but wine, food, family and friends. Thanks for bearing with me and I hope you all have an amazing Christmas.
Peace & Goodwill
Chris X
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Comments:
Jonny G - Merry bloody Christmas! Sterling work.
Don - Wow. I mean wow. That was quite a ride this year!
Emily - I'm sad this is over for another year! See you tomorrow!
Cath - Good work Man......enjoyable daily read.....already know I will miss your daily missives massively.
Judith - What will we do now? ? No more daily reads Happy Christmas. Xxxx