#CGACC2016
The Seventh Seal
Ooof, 2016, you remember that fucking year? Like, we were in store for so much worse, but it certainly seems that 2016 set the tone for (at time of writing - 2020) most things that went wrong with the world in the years that followed.
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But I digress.
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If I do nothing else in this good goddamn world apart from give a massive shout out to Coppenrath advent calendars, then I will consider my life to have been a complete success. Seriously, they're awesome, and if your preferred Christmas aesthetic is all things traditional and ornate with a vaguely menacing religious undertone, then do yourself a favour and invest in one.
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That said, this calendar really knocked me for a loop in terms of what I set out to do with the CGACC©, which is to manufacture some kind of conflict between myself and the imagined artist, and so much did I love this calendar that it was genuinely a struggle at times, plus I was having to come up with new stuff to say about the things I'd already talked about, even if I was the only one who'd know I was repeating myself.
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Also, I mean, certain other things were clearly on my mind this year, but still, look at door 24 and tell me you don't agree. I dare you.
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Oh! And right at the end here I say I'm going to make my own advent calendar next year. That didn't happen, but it might at some point.
My dear humans. My dear, dear humans. The time has finally, FINALLY come for the return of the Chris Gates Advent Calendar Campaign (CGACC©). Well done for making it this far.
For those who don't know what I'm talking about, or who have forgotten, or who have undergone brain surgery in order to forget, this is the time of year when I, Chris Gates, post daily descriptions of the pictures behind my advent calendar doors for the amusement of literally dozens of people. If that doesn't sound awesome to you then I'm afraid you're beyond my (and anyone else's) help, but nonetheless I wish you the best of luck. Still though, what the hell is wrong with you?
My friends, it has been, and I put this mildly, a right old cunt of a year. BUT we've lived through it and we've survived it. We've cried with sadness, we've spat with anger, we've laughed and we've sighed; we've expressed various emotions using various bodily fluids and noises. It's what we do best.
And for what? I hear you ask: What's it all been for? Well for many of you, and I don't exaggerate when I say this, it's all been about the CGACC©. Well, my festive comrades, here it is at last and you are very very welcome.
This is a free service I provide (though someone should definitely be paying me by now after five years) and it makes me and a small cult following very very happy so if you find it in any way tedious then please please please take a running jump and go fuck yourself/selves.
First post will appear at midday.
Holidays are coming, motherfuckers!
Peace out
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Comments:
Ross - It's the most wonderful time of the year.
Sarah W - I've now stopped buying one to truly live the experience through you
Cath - At last, one of the most looked forward Christmas events has arrived! · · ·
Judith - Rubbing my sweaty hands together with anticipation.
Chris Gates - Whatever floats your boat man.
Advent Calendar Door 1: It's two children on a toboggan!
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Good, excellent start. After the fiasco of last year's calendar (the pictures were mainly of shoes, it was an ordeal) I decided that I'd splash out a little this year. I'm not going to tell you the exact figure, but it was somewhere in the region of 'more money than a self-employed person should be spending on an advent calendar'. Plus postage. As a result, this year's calendar is pretty fucking cool and I expect the pictures will be of the highest quality.
And this picture is actually quite charming; a boy and a girl, dressed in red and green (respectively), with wool hats and scarves and gloves, sitting on a toboggan. They've been drawn and painted with some care and...oh, that's odd: the toboggan isn't moving. I mean, yes it's only a drawing and of course it isn't moving, but what I'm saying is that it's not moving IN THE REALITY OF THE DRAWING. The toboggan's pointed downhill (in the traditional way) but there's no motion; the toboggan is clearly just sitting on the snow. But still, the boy's gripping the edge of the toboggan and the girl's got her arms around the boy's waist, the boy's scarf is drawn so that it's at an angle as if to indicate that it's being whipped by the wind, but because the toboggan isn't moving it just looks like it's been frozen in place, and they're both just sitting there, smiling placidly out of the picture, no excitement at all, calm as Hindu cows, motionless in the snow. Guys...I'm pretty sure these kids are dead. Like, even if you're drawing two kids who are just posing on a toboggan (such a weird word to keep having to type) then why would you not think to add in the detail of the thing actually moving? Who just casually sits on a toboggan in a tobogganing pose? Dead people, that's who.
I hoped it wouldn't get this dark this quickly but here we are. 2016 ain't over yet, folks.
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Comments:::
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Sarah B Are they like the olden day photos they'd take of dead people, just this time, instead of in their posh clothes or black dress, they have been stuffed in action? Or rather not action as the point made here?
Matt - A festive Victorian book of the Dead.
Here's hoping!
Chris Gates - Thought had occurred. I did once consider doing a horror version of this, where each door reveals details of a grizzly death and the last one's mine.
Maybe next year.
Orlando - Good job mate. Now I must sit around twiddling my thumbs contemplating the depths of your searing critique as I await tomorrow's revelations.
Jonny G - It REALLY IS CHRISTMAS!
Sophie .. and so it begins!
Anne Marie - was the chocolate nice ? xxxx
Chris Gates Thin ice, Anne
Annie B - My favourite time of year for Facebook!
Advent Calendar Door 2: It's a sprig of holly!
Ah, the sprig of holly, a classic advent calendar picture. You know, some people might say that holly's been overdone in advent calendars. Me, for example. I'd say that. Five years, guys, I've been doing this for five years now and do you realise how many times I've had to come up with some fucking thing to say about a fucking sprig of holly? Do you? Well I bloody don't and I can't be bothered to go back and check, but it's AT LEAST four and really what more is there to say about holly other then 'it's green' and 'it has red berries'?
Again, I'm not going to say exactly how much I paid for this calendar, but I could just as easily have bought myself a nice bottle of wine or a couple of DVDs or £17.50 (including postage) worth of penny sweets, so it has a lot to live up to and this run-of-the-mill bullshit isn't going to cut it.
Honestly, it's like I've paid to see Radiohead and they've played 'Come On Eileen'.
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Comments:
Quartz - Holly is also a people name.
Chris Gates - This really made me laugh a lot. Thank you.
Matt - But I would pay serious money to see and hear Radiohead do 'Come On, Eileen'...
Chris Gates - So would I really
Advent Calendar Door 3: It's a lantern!
Okay, honesty time: I'm a bit hungover and couldn't remember the word 'lantern' and so had to google 'candle cage'. I am 32 years old.
The lantern is blood red and looks like a miniature Japanese gazebo, there's a sprig of mistletoe behind it (though mistletoe normally gets its own door so I'll refrain from commenting further at this stage), the candle is white and the flame is...also blood red. That's not right, right? I mean I know you CAN get red fire by burning lithium (thank you GCSE chemistry/google again) but that's not what's happening here, and it's not like this is an electric lantern with a red coloured bulb for a flame because the style of the calendar is too old fashioned for that, and the artist MUST have seen fire before, right? I mean, I'm not unreasonable to think that, right? So why the blood red flame? Is this *gulp* an evil lantern? We've already had dead children and now we've got some sort of festive witchcraft going on.
I'm not going to jump to conclusions at this stage, but I think I may have bought some sort of demonic artefact here. This is what comes from getting exotic things from the Internet. What horrors await us? We shall see, dear friends. I fear we shall all see before long.
Comments:
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Sarah W - Err- you must have heard of a phenomenon called 'The magic of Christmas' anything can happen - even a blood red flame. Fact.
Chris Gates - Oh, look who's piped up! Listen Wheatley, if that is your real name, if the Magic of Christmas meant that any old bollocks could happen, then any old bollocks would be happening all the time all throughout December; fire would be red, kittens would sing Michael Bublé songs and we'd all play Quiddich on Christmas Day. The magic of Christmas, as everybody knows, is something we carry around in our hearts and is all about having love and compassion for people. So get back in your box and stop being such a bellend.
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Quartz - KITTENS SINGING MICHAEL BUBLE
Chris Gates - Yeah, good innit?
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Quartz - Kittens that Buble has kitnapped and taken to the cave where he spends the non-christmas months. Kittens that he has trained to sing backup to his songs in perfect harmony. Kittens with advanced PTSD from when they were snatched rudely from their mothers. Kittens who's task is to catch the rats and mice that live in the cave and feed them to Buble. Kittens who live in constant terror of Buble's wrath: the wrath of Buble.
Chris Gates - His Christmas album was actually produced by a kitten. Buble and the other kittens were in the recoding booth and on the other side of the glass was one lonely kitten, jumping frantically around the mixing desk trying to keep up. The album took him ages to make because, as I mentioned earlier, he was a kitten
Quartz - He jumped because he knew what would happen...if he did not jump.
Nerys - It *could* be a lithium flame, in which case someone has dropped their antidepressants in the candle cage. Or maybe that person has been encouraged to burn their antidepressants by a passing Scientologist. Err, exactly where did you get this calendar, Chris?
Advent Calendar Door 4: It's two cherubs!
They're little girl cherubs, clutching gold stars and, as with the dead kids behind door number 1, they're quite realistic in a Renaissance art, chubby red cheeks sort of way, and I think that the artist has actually painted these people using either live models or photos. Now, these cherubs are in a pose right out of a Facebook photo; two teenage girls on a night out having a conversation, one of them realises that a photo is about to be taken and snaps into a pose, chin on back of hand, elbow on knee, face to camera, pout. This leaves the other friend, who doesn't realise that a photo is being taken, grinning confusedly at the side of the poser's head - not confused about what her friend is doing, because this always happens with Tanya, (or whatever teenage girls are called these days, I don't keep up) but confused as to what she herself is getting out of this friendship. They'll go to different universities and lose touch over the years, Tanya will do some part time modelling but eventually she'll fall into a middle management position in HR and stay there until retirement. Her friend will have a series of unfulfilling jobs before publishing a book of short stories, one of which gets optioned for a film which gets made but is a critical flop, however with the money she gets she moves to the south of France where she runs a successful bistro and has a series of torrid love affairs but never marries, though many people ask; somehow she was always happier on her own.
The end.
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Comments:
Nerys - The other cherub needs a name.
Chris Gates - Nah, she's like the Marwood character or the narrator in Fight Club.
Nerys - I was going to do a "Rules of Cherub Club" post in reply, but then I realised that I don't actually know what it is that cherubs *do*...
Sophie - Tanya!
Chris Gates - It was going to be Barbara, but I thought that was too much of a stretch.
Sophie - this is my favourite calendar post of you've ever done. And Tanya topped it.
Quartz - What are teenage girls called these days?
Chris Gates -Top girls names from the year 2000.
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Rebecca - Number 12! There were seven Rebeccas in my year group at college. Original, mum. Well done.
Chris Gates - Christopher (my name) was THE most popular name in 1984 (my birth year), but I very rarely meet another one these days. Though I did kill quite a few of them in the early 2000s so that might be why.
Rebeca - I teach a few. The ones called Christopher are usually insufferable arses; the Chris' are laddish cunts. Well done on being neither (or both?)
Chris Gates - It's a bit of a balancing act, yeah. I once knew a woman once called Clare who wanted to make her name more interesting and so spelt it Claiyre. I didn't keep in touch.
Rebecca - I've taught some shockers... Currently got a Talula, taught a few Mercedes' and a family called Storm, Sage and Rain... And a girl called Nori because her parents liked seaweed. The best though was probably Amarni, "like the designer" only her mum spelled it wrong on the birth certificate. She got expelled for sunbathing topless in the playground.
My fiancé wants to give our future child the middle name "Savage" so they sound like a wrestler. SMH
Chris Gates - Darren, any comments?
Darren - Oh man, we went for normalish first names, but their middle names are Endeavour and Danger
Sorry
Rebecca - I want Danger - it's my compromise - but he’s not going for it. He wants Savage or Lightning..!
Darren - Sauvage
Rebecca - Sausage
Darren - That’s what she said. Wait hold on what was the subject?
Chris Gates - Teenage girls, Darren.
Darren - Oh. No regrets
Advent Calendar Door 5: It's a candle!
But guys, this is a BLACK candle. Seriously man, what the fuck is going on with this calendar? I mean, I'm definitely getting a Devil worshippy vibe here, if this goes on any further then I'm putting this thing in a circle of salt. Or maybe I'll get an exorcist in! Yeah, that would be awesome! Mainly just to see the look on the poor bastard's face when I ask him to cast the demons from a glittery piece of cardboard. It's been every odd numbered door so far, something to bear in mind going forward.
Anyway, clearly the artist felt the need to prove that they actually do know what colour flames are, because this one is a glowing yellowy orange sort of colour i.e. the colour of fucking fire.
Advent Calendar Door 6: IT'S SANTA!!!
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Not only Santa, but Santa flying in his sleigh! WITH PRESENTS! Fuck. My. Life. No. If you're going to have Santa this early in the calendar (and you really really shouldn't, see the previous CGACC™) then he should be having a snooze or feeding his reindeer or sitting in front his laptop scratching his balls and binge-watching Westworld or whatever it is that Santa does in his downtime. But you can't have him out delivering presents on the 6th of December! The artist must KNOW this is wrong mustn't they? If not then this is, like, the biggest rookie error possible, and if they do then what sick game are they playing here?
This is seriously concerning given A) The good money I spent on this thing and B) Mainly A if I'm honest.
It's the third year in a row that Santa has appeared too early and it's getting to be more stress than I can handle. Seriously, I might just make my own calendar next year.
Jonny G - How is this still happening!? The artist is A MONSTER.
Chris Gates I sleep with this thing above my bed. It's upsetting. WHAT' IT PLANNING?
Jonny G - How can you sleep with the santa-tanic thing in the same room!?
Cath - Clearly a random risk taker who has probably heard of you and gonna seriously mess with your head as we lurch towards 24 Dec window. What will be lurking there I wonder. A winged bat with a half eaten grasshopper in its mouth sitting on a mince pie....the mince in this case being actual meat mince!!!
Mill - Maybe he's out to protect us from Krampus? He was due out last night I believe?
Nerys - Perhaps Santa is simply running away. From 2016 and all its fuckery. From the forces of darkness that have invaded this calendar. From us. Please don't leave us, Santa. We'll be good, I promise.
Roger - Test drive? You know, hasn't been out for a year, MOT due etc
Chris Gates - I did think of that, but then why is he wearing his red suit? If it was a test flight he'd be in jeans or something. Also why the presents? I mean, you could argue for the weight but why use wrapped presents rather than, say, wooden blocks? Or something that can get broken and it won't matter? The guy's been doing this for centuries, he'll have a system.
Nerys - You can't test a sleigh with wooden blocks: they don't have the same coefficient of friction as two wrapped parcels jostling together. Also, he has to make sure the suit still fits.
Advent Calendar Door 7: It's an angel!
Okay, so obviously I had my little theory that the odd numbered doors would contain subtly satanic images, so I'm trying to approach this objectively, without letting confirmation bias get in the way.
It's an angel putting a white candle in a Christmas tree. There you go, what a lovely picture. Nice and festive. Of course, it's all about electric lights now isn't it? I don't think I've actually ever seen a candle in a Christmas tree before. Health and safety I suppose.
So that's it. Perfectly innocent, nothing to see here. See you tomorrow.
Oh but wait! Suppose I should check the colour of the flame, the artist has been struggling with that a bit haven't they?
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It's black. Today's picture is an angel, holding a candle that's burning with a black flame. Okay. Okay. Alright. So look, I am NOT saying that this is Satan, okay? I'm just saying that this...isn't not Satan. Maybe this is just the way things are going now, this time next year I'll be saying 'It's a bit early for Satan, we haven't even had the dead children or the black mass candle yet!'.
Stay tuned folks, and maybe pray to your God.
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Mill - An angel, a candle, *and* a Christmas tree in one picture though?? Surely they'll run out of options soon and have to turn to shoes...?
Chris Gates- Don't joke about such things.
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Matt - If you open the doors in reverse order, is there some hidden meaning? An arcane, occult summoning? Will you find yourself at 4am on Christmas Morning, staring into the cracked bathroom mirror, a bare red bulb swinging backwards and forwards casting sinister shadows on your sweat-drenched face, as you prepare yourself to say "Santa" three times?
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Chris Gates - I nearly always do.
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Ralf - Yay! It's not just me!
Advent Calendar Door 8: It's a chalet!
Well la di fucking da. A snow covered, two story chalet with a little balcony on it. Nope. Disqualified. This isn't allowed. I mean, I hate to be fussy, I really do, and I like a chalet as much as the next man, it's one of the simple pleasures we all enjoy, but it doesn't belong here. It's not Christmassy. There are no Christmas lights, no fake reindeer on the roof nor massive inflatable Santa in the garden. Where, I ask you, is the festive cheer?
I can sense a lot of you nodding along, particularly those of you who have followed the CGACC™ since its inception who know that a proper advent calendar picture must contain things that are either Christmassy in and of themselves, like Santa or a sprig of holly, or else Christmassy variants of ordinary things, like a fireplace with stockings hanging from it or Satan decorating a Christmas tree. That's basic.
Black magic iconography aside, this calendar has been doing a good job so far; all pictures have at least been Christmassy (with the exception of the Facebook cherubs behind door 4 which I didn't notice at the time. Bite me) so it's a shame that its let itself down here.
Comments:
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Mill - This is what happens when they've put three Christmassy things in one picture on a previous day......
Roz - Is it Satan's chalet though? Bollocks. I meant SANTA's chalet, but the demonic power of the advent calendar is strong.
Advent Calendar Door 9: It's a fuck-tonne of holly!
What? Why? Why do all the bad things happen to me? We've already had holly, first a sprig and now just a huge, hanging mass of the stuff and what for? What agenda's being served here? Was the artist really worried that the holly quota hadn't been filled or that all the holly fans out there would be clamouring for more holly? Maybe the sprig was just a tease and the artist was like 'yeah, you just wait, if you liked that then door 9's gonna blow your fucking mind'. I don't get it though, it's just a big clump of holly, more holly than most people could be expected to use in a lifetime, and it's just hanging there, undecorated and dark and unfestive.
This calendar is now officially trying to fuck with me personally. Word must have gotten out among the advent calendar community, it was only a matter of time, this must be some sort of revenge. Well, if that's the case then they're in for a fight. Bring it on, bitches.
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Comments:
Quartz - Was last year's advent calendar this...weird?
Chris Gates - That's the thing, they ARE weird. The people who make them spend most of the time on the outer design, that's what people look at when they're buying them. Then they have to think of 24 little Christmassy pictures and it's actually a pretty big ask, there's always a few dodgy ones that I suspect get churned out at the last minute. They get away with it because who really pays attention? Me, that's who.
Quartz - You are the people's champion
Chris Gates *bows*
Mill - But is it a *Satanic* bunch of holly...?! It's an odd numbered day!!
Chris Gates - Oh, I think there'll be more of that to come, this is just the artist letting me know he's on to me.
Advent Calendar Door 10: It's a Christmas tree decoration!
It's a brown star (grow up) with an orange ellipse nestled in each of its five points and you can see that it's hanging from a fir tree branch.
Now, I sense that some of you may think I'm exaggerating with the whole 'this advent calendar is the work of the devil' thing, and maybe I was at the start, but this star is the wrong way up i.e. two points are facing upwards. Tell me, what other kind of five pointed star has two points facing upwards? Anyone? ANYONE? Yes, that's right, a pentagram.
At the very least, I think that the artist is low-key trolling Christmas for their own amusement, and frankly I'm all for that; there's a whole pagan background to the holiday which isn't generally acknowledged. So it could be that or, and I think this is more likely, I am The Lamb and this calendar is the seventh seal (Revelations 8:1) and the rapture is nearly upon us. Either way, it'll all be over by Christmas.
Be kind to your loved ones while there's still time.
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Comments:
Laura B - I think this is money well spent. Why bother unless the message is subliminally...or overtly demonic or pagan! It is a pagan holiday after all.
Advent Calendar Door 11: It's a kitten! A MOTHERFUCKING KITTEN!
Seriously now, this calendar is taking the piss. Right. Okay. Okay. Let's break this down shall we? Does it have a little Santa hat on? No. No it does not. Does it, perhaps, have little antlers stuck on its head, or maybe it's playing with some mistletoe or batting a bauble off a Christmas tree branch with its tiny, tiny kitten paw? No it is not, but oh my god that would be adorable. So what the actual piss buggering shit fuck is it doing in an advent calendar, I hear you ask? Well, first of all I'm a little surprised at your language, please remember it's a Sunday, and second of all that's a valid question and you're right to ask it, clearly you've been paying attention and you know the golden advent calendar rule: a proper advent calendar picture must either be of something inherently Christmassy (like Santa) or a Christmassy variant of a normal thing (like a door with a wreath on it). Well done you.
It's filler, that's what it is. I guess it must be quite hard to come up with 24 little Christmassy pictures, and we've all churned out crap in order to meet a deadline. What's happened here is that the artist panicked and drew a kitten, which is an understandable if unusual reaction to panic, but then they've clearly had an attack of conscience because they've given it a holly frame. Let me be clear though, the holly and the kitten are NOT together in the same picture; there is a picture of a kitten and then, outside of the kitten's universe, there is some holly framing it, and so this is some serious bullshit.
Honestly, what's the world coming to when a man can't depend on his own advent calendar? This truly is the end of days.
Advent Calendar Door 12: It's an angel!
FML, let's do this again shall we? Is the angel wearing a Santa hat? No, it is not. Does it have a Christmas tree stuck up whatever celestial orifice angels keep under their robes? No, it does not. Is it up to any Christmassy shenanigans whatsoever? No, dear reader, I'm sad to say it is not. Angels, and I won't tolerate any argument on this point, are not sufficiently Christmassy in and of themselves to warrant their own plot of advent calendar real estate. There are angels and then, on the other side of angel town, across a river made of tinsel, there are Christmas angels and this, my friends, is not one of those.
Please understand that I'm not angry on my own behalf, none of this is about me, and it's not even slightly about the money (£17.50 including postage) I spent on this thing, I'm angry because YOU deserve better.
Anyway, this particular angel is chilling out amongst some dark, brooding clouds, holding two gold stars in their right hand and pointing earthward with their left. Frankly, this is just fucking ominous. For those keeping score, that's 4 gold stars so far and there were 7 in The Book Of Revelations #justsayin
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Comments:
Quartz - I mean...there are angels in the nativity story though, and stars... *ducks*
Chris Gates - There was also a goat, I wouldn't accept that either.
Mill - Are you sure it isn't the one talking to the shepherds and telling them to go see a baby in a barn...?
Chris Gates- If that's the case then I would also expect to see shepherds. This is just an angel.
Mill - Maybe it's the shepherd's-eye view...?
Chris Gates - If that's the case then it's up to the artist to make it clear. I refuse to use my imagination, Mill, I simply refuse.
Mill - Then I'm just not sure that Christmas is the right holiday for you...
Katy - You're right, an angel isn't at all christmassy, whereas you couldn't move in bethleham for all those norwegian firs...
Chris Gates - *sigh* This is what I'm saying Katy, I'm not accepting this angel because it isn't a Christmassy angel, in the same way I wouldn't accept a fir tree UNLESS it was decorated and therefore a Christmas tree. Harsh but fair.
Katy - Wow, you're strict. Are you the same with Xmas cards? Do you return to sender if there's no holly?
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Chris Gates - I used to show up at their houses and give my criticism face to face or at volume through the letterbox If they refused to open the door. I say 'used to' because for some I haven't received a Christmas card since 2006. Personally, I blame the Internet.
Advent Calendar Door 13: It's yet another angel!
BUT this one is holding a fuck-tonne of holly, so after yesterday's little rant it would be churlish of me not to accept this picture and, believe me, the very last thing I'd want to do is come across as being churlish.
Seriously though, exactly how much more holly and how many more angels can we expect to see here? The quota's definitely been met at this point right? Let's hope the artist has got it all out of their system now, but at the same time let's also prepare ourselves for the fact that they probably haven't.
On closer inspection, there's something upsetting about this picture; I get the impression that it was drawn using a live model, who is clutching the aforementioned fuck-tonne of holly to their bare chest. That's a bit cruel on the part of the artist, isn't it? Particularly taking into account that this angel is a cherub and so has the appearance of a little kid, so some poor child model had to sit there holding all that pointy, scratchy holly while remaining completely still and maintaining a serene, angelic smile.
It's a little troubling really. If this goes on much more I think I'm going to have to, like, report this calendar to the authorities or something.
Advent Calendar Door 14: It's zombies!
Ah! Two little children zombies, outside in the snow in winter woollen hats, pressing their faces up against the window, peering in at me with their undead eyes. One of them has their hand splayed longingly up against the cold, frost stained glass, clearly hungry for the meat of my brain. Oh, and there's a bit of holly up in the corner. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Advent Calendar Door 15: It's three bells!
Well, ding dong merrily on high!
Bells are a classic advent calendar picture, but I don't really know why. Even in the first CGACC© when (spoiler alert) I didn't actually have a calendar and I was just making it up as I went, I included bells and I can't really say why. These aren't 'jingle bells', which are more like the bells Morris dancers wear, just normal, archetypal bell bells i.e. the kind of bell that if asked you to draw a bell this is what you'd draw. Why are they Christmassy? I mean, I've never been sat around on Christmas Day and someone's said 'oh, pass me that mince pie I got in my stocking from Santa, I know I shouldn't after all the turkey and Christmas pudding but what the heck, it's Christmas! Oh, and also who's up for ringing some motherfucking bells?'
Anyway, here they are and guess what!? They're tied up with some holly! *sigh*
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Comments:
Jonny G - Wait a minute. You MADE UP THE FIRST CALENDAR...
Chris Gates - Yeah, that's how I know how hard it is to come up with 24 Christmassy images, and also how I know I'm better at it that most of these so-called artists.
Advent Calendar Door 16: It's some birds!
Four of them, blue and red, circling a brick gatepost in the snow. I should point out at this stage that this calendar was made in Germany and so some leeway has to be given for differences in Christmassy fauna. In Britain we have the Christmas robin and in Germany, presumably, they have the Christmas whatever-the-fuck-this-type-of-bird-this-is, and in these times of division in Europe I intend to respect that.
No one ever told me why robins were Christmassy so I've just been looking it up; one story is that at Jesus' birth, a brown robin placed himself protectively between a strongly burning fire and little baby J and got his chest burned red. I know it's meant to be a cute, kid's story, the kind that teachers tell while sitting on a chair with children sat on the floor around them, but even as a kid I'd have just said 'but Miss, that's not what fire does to feathers,' and would have been asked to sit in the corner and be quiet. Again.
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Comments:
Quartz - If anything, robins are Eastery. When I was a kid I was taught in church that a robin flew to sit under Christ's cross, and a drop of the blood from the wound in his side dripped onto the robin's breast, and that's why robins have red breasts....
Chris Gates - Yeah, I came across that story too. It's weirdly British to try and give one of our native birds a significant role in a story happening in a different part of the world
Quartz - JESUS WAS ENGLISH THO
Quartz -Not British. English.
Roz - *puts up hand* Please sir, I heard it's because olde Englyshe poste men used to wear red jackets, so you'd see loads of them about delivering Christmas cards this time of year.
Chris Gates - Yes! Well done, Roz. Gold star for you.
Roz - Can I stay inside actually? I'll probably just get bullied in the playground for being a swot.
Jemma - Could be the 4 calling birds from the song
Chris Gates - Colly birds, you mean. Nope, because they're blackbirds.
Quartz - calling birds tho.
Matt - I have a cool story about tinsel if you want to hear it?
Chris Gates - Go ahead.
Matt - Well, let me start by stating that obviously tinsel was not around at the time of Jesus' birth. Plastic production started roughly 50 years after Jesus's death and is why those little bottles of holy water are a thing whenever you go to Lourdes.
I believe it's a story told by German Christians (Lutherans?) that when Mary and Joseph were escaping from Herod's Death Star storm troopers, they had to cross mountains. Something about a ring and an ever-watching eye.
They found themselves at nightfall by a cave that was too shallow to conceal them.
Because Magic™ some spiders decided to spin webs over the cave mouth to stop the storm troopers from finding them.
In the morning the dew covered the webs making them sparkle. Et voila: Tinsel.
To be honest as a confirmed arachnophobe of 35 years (I don't mind them, as long as they don't hurt anyone and they do it in the privacy of their own nest) this story terrifies me.
Quartz - Cool story about tinsel that I know... in Cold Places they used to get in deer etc for the winter, at Christmas. And they'd chop them open and throw the guts away cos they don't wanna eat guts - and they'd throw the guts onto the nearby fir trees...which is kinda red and stringy....like tinsel! *glitter added later
Matt - I prefer that tale because it's practical and does not involve spiders. Also those antlers would be the perfect display for tinsel
Advent Calendar Door 17: It's a Christmas hamper!
Yes! Do you see? Do you SEE? This is what I'm talking about; a Christmas hamper, a CHRISTMAS hamper. You do see, don't you? Christmas. Hamper. You can get hampers for other occasions, I'm not saying you can't, but this is not one of those. Oh no. This hamper is a Christmas hamper, and not any other sort of hamper. It's not, for example, a body shop hamper being given as a Christmas present, though I would have accepted that; this, dear readers, is a Christmas hamper.
Or is it?
Yes, it is.
It's a basket, the cornerstone of any hamper, filled with a present wrapped in green paper and tied with red string, classic Christmas colours as I'm sure your aware, a toy elf looking like it's fresh out of Santa's sweatshop, a chocolate heart and two other slabs of chocolate. Christmassy AF.
Advent Calendar Door 18: It's a terrifying nutcracker!
No seriously, this thing is sinister, it's the Chucky of nutcrackers. Like, if Tim Burton were making a film called 'The Christmas Nutcracker Nightmare' and you suggested this design he'd say "No way dude, that's über creepy." Or however he talks, I don't know.
From the neck down it's a fairly standard nutcracker, a soldier in a red uniform standing to attention, but the head...oh my dear god, the head. Let's start with the jaw, first of all it's got pointy little teeth, it's mouth is hanging open, presumably in anticipation of receiving a nut (grow up) or indeed a screaming human soul, but it's GRINNING, man, and it's not a friendly, festive, cheerful grin, but rather the unhinged grin of a homicidal maniac. Then there's the eyes, underneath which are red spots which are probably meant to be cute blushes, but they're more like red, glowing bags hanging beneath the eyes, like red hot coals have been sewn under its skin, and even though the nutcracker is standing slightly askew, the eyes, dead and black, are staring right out of the picture, AND IT'S LIKE THEY CAN SEE ME!
Oh, and there's also some holly,
​
Comments:
Matt - I LIVE for this.
Mill - But... it's an even-numbered day... does this mean the evil is growing stronger and closer...?!
Chris Gates After the year we've had, Mill, I think that's exactly the case.
Advent Calendar Door 19: It's poinsettias!
They're Christmas flowers apparently, just go with it. I didn't know these things existed until they came up in a previous CGACC© and I went off on a big rant (if you can imagine such a thing) about how flowers weren't Christmassy and someone pointed out that they were poinsettias which are in fact "well Christmassy", and I guess I have to agree. They have vividly red petals, green leaves, and, like Christmas, they are classified as being 'mildly toxic', causing vomiting and diarrhoea in some people, and so they are more than welcome on my calendar.
Less than a week to go, folks. Start planning your detox now.
Advent Calendar Door 20: It's an apple!
Seriously, advent calendar? SERIOUSLY? We're into the big numbers now, the final stretch, the last gasp, the vinegar strokes (google it if you have to, but not if you're at work), and the best you can come up with is an apple? Poor, man. Fucking poor. And yes, there's some holly with the apple so by my own rules this is a Christmassy apple, but it's still a serious lack of effort. Holly should accentuate the Christmassy aspect of a thing, not BE the Christmassy aspect in its entirety; you can't just draw any old bollocks like a traffic cone or a battle ship or Kanye West and make it Christmassy just by sticking some holly on it.
In any case, doors 20 and above should be your calendar's A-game, this is where Santa should be, or a sleigh or a Christmas tree or a baby Jesus if you're that way inclined, but an APPLE? No way, man. Not on my watch.
​
Comments:
Sarah W - In China people give wrapped up apples to each other on Christmas Eve. Maybe the illustrator of this calendar is just trying to be uber PC and explore the different Christmas traditions and representations over the world. ie- Poinsettia's are a Mexican flower/Christmas tradition... Which is kind of nice???
Chris Gates - A nice thought, but I think you're giving the artist way too much credit i.e. some credit.
Mill - In Japan they have KFC on Christmas, I'm looking forward to seeing a bargain bucket behind door 24 now...
Advent Calendar Door 21: It's three elves! And they're shitfaced!
I'm not even slightly joking. This is brilliant, possibly one my all time favourite advent calendar pictures. These elves are SLOPPY drunk, the kind of drunk that only very good friends get together, where you abandon all efforts to maintain your dignity; they're sitting on a stationary toboggan and one is perched on the end, sat facing outwards, leaning back with his head to the sky and a hand in the air, the standard pose adopted while singing the opening verses of Bohemian Rhapsody, or indeed Tenacious D's Tribute, hard to say which one I've heard sung more in someone's kitchen at 3am.
The second elf is passed out, just slumped face down ACROSS the toboggan so that his head, arms and shoulders are hanging over the edge, a classic drunk decision; too tired to sit up, too drunk to walk home, can't lie in the snow, not enough room to lie down on the toboggan, I'm just gonna drape myself uncomfortably over this thing and try not to vomit...ahhh, yeah, this is gonna work out just fine.
The third is a lady elf perched on the other end, leaning back and resting on the passed-out elf. She has the expression of someone who's coming to terms with just how drunk they are, just how late it is, and just how much stuff they are now not going to be able to do tomorrow, like 'oh shit, I can't see properly, there's no way I'm going to be okay to go to work in three hours. If I stop drinking now I'll at least be able to sound sober when I call in sick. Shit, when's the last time I called in sick? Two weeks? Fuck, yeah, that was after Steve's party. Okay, well this is just going to have to be the last one for a while. I'll just say I've got a migraine again, no one can argue with that. Now, the real question is: what am I gonna watch on Netflix after I've called in?'
But then she calls in and it turns out the other people on her team have already called in sick, so she guiltily agrees to go in and has to get through THE WHOLE DAY trying to keep a lid on the fact that she's still basically pissed; popping mints, glugging coffee, talking as little as possible and generally trying to ignore the fact that the office is gently spinning.
Finally, a picture we can all relate to. Naming no names.
​
Comments:
Laura B -A picture YOU specifically can relate to...best advent calendar window description ever
Chris Gates - Who, me?
Sami - two years later they're working the tw'elve steps ( see what I did) talking about their rock bottom 'in the grotto'.
Chris Gates - They’ve learnt a bit of elf control
​
Advent Calendar Door 22: It's a dove! And it's carrying an olive branch.
A dove of peace, ladies and gentlemen. We had this on a previous CGACC™, I allowed then it and, I suppose, what with one thing and another, I should allow it now. I mean, it's not 'Christmassy' per se, but Christmas is meant to be a time of peace and after the year we've had, and because of the years to come, we probably all owe ourselves a bit of peace, right? I hesitate to get sentimental on Facebook, but people talk about the 'magic' of Christmas and when you're a kid that means excitement and Santa and presents, I'm going to be spending Christmas with my little nephew this year and it'll be the first time I'll have seen a kid on Christmas since I was one myself so that'll be awesome, and I'm not so old that I'm not a bit excited myself, but for me the 'magic' has become more about peace, the way all your attention is focused on one day, not to worrying about the future, and being sincerely grateful for what you have. It's a hard thing to do sometimes and I hope you can all manage it this year.
Still though, this can fuck right off because how hard is it to draw a tiny Santa hat on a bird's head?
Advent Calendar Door 23: It's another fucking angel!
Okay guys, here's the deal: I think that this is going to be the last CGACC©, I think I've pretty much exhausted the joke over six years, for myself at least. Also I feel that It's easy to criticise, but too much of that goes on as it is; the real challenge is making something yourself, and so next year I think I'm going to follow through with something I've been threatening to do for a long time and make my own bloody advent calendar. I don't really know what I mean by that at this stage, whether it'll be a physical thing you can hold in your hands or whether it will be online, but nonetheless I can guarantee you it will be awesome on a level hitherto unexperienced by mankind.
So, that'll be something to keep you going through 2017: The Rise Of The Dark Lord.
Normal service will resume tomorrow.
Comments:
Andrew - How about a performance art piece? Each day you turn yourself into something challenging, astounding and Christmassy. You then invite the artists of the calendars you have analyzed to form a critical panel. And you video them. And they are in a large sack.
Quartz - But I've only just got on board!!
Chris Gates - Should have met me sooner then shouldn't you?
Quartz - Why, cruel world? WHYYYY?
Matt - Think of this as being at a crossroads in the artistic development of CGACC™.
You were there.
Advent Calendar Door 24: It's baby Jesus!
This was too disturbing not to share. Look at this little bastard, look closely, obviously it's MEANT to be baby Jesus, but it's definitely baby Donald Trump. That hair. That face. That hand gesture. And the weirdest thing is that he appears to be sitting on the scalp of an adult Donald Trump like it's a nest. That's how his species replicates, I think; when the time comes, they shed their hair and use it as a nest into which they shit out the next generation who then feasts on the parent's still living flesh. 'It's a tremendous process,' says baby Trump, 'really just tremendous,
I talk to a lot of people, many people, very smart, intelligent people, who say it's the best way to reproduce. The best way. Don't get me wrong, I like women, oh my goodness, let me tell you this, I like women a lot, women are great and I like them a lot, a tremendous amount, it's a great thing to have a beautiful woman to look at and I know Obama doesn't agree with me on this, but women are allowed to be beautiful. That's science. Okay? It's a fact. But women should not have babies. That's not right. That's not right and it's not the best way. If more men, real men I mean, I'm talking about real American men here, if the great men of this country were allowed to have the babies then it would be a more efficient, a better way, it would be the best way for everyone and there's nothing wrong with wanting what's best. Let me tell you. Why is America not doing what's best? I'm going to do what's best for America and when I push out another Trump, when that happens, when I push him out of my hole, he'll do what's best for this country too. Let's make America great again.'
Also, why are those women wearing kimonos?
Anyway, that's all folks. Thank you all for bearing with me, particularly thanks to my housemate who took this photo and sent it to me last night because I forgot to open my calendar before I left Brighton. Thanks, Tom, you saved Christmas.
I hope you've all had fun and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas time.
Peace & Goodwill
Chris
​
Comments:
Andrew - Happy Christmas. Your calendar has helped us all through a difficult time. I'm looking forward to seeing the extravaganza that will be next year's calendar. Xx
Katy - Enjoyed my daily dose of calendar fun (and the accompanying rants)
Ross - for your enjoyable calendar run-down!
Mill - A photo?? A PHOTO???! Everything I thought I knew about you has just been called into question. I nearly gave you an angry emoticon instead of a like, but the Trump speech was too good and I got confused.
Jules - And one is them is playing a brown umbrella with a stick or a giant flake! It's very disturbing...
Matt - He does the best advent calendars. His advent calendars are the greatest. Great advent calendars.
Matt - Have you been affected by the end of CGACC©?
Call 0800 BEREFT for your free information pack, including a handy guide for Schools.
Remember, CGACC© *is* just for Christmas.
Rebecca - He even has a lovely nuclear glow about him.
Don - Brilliant stuff. Can't wait to see what comes up next year. Assuming the baby Trump hasn't blown up the world of course.
Matt - "Door 22: It's a horribly mutated dog!
Remember folks to carry your shotgun with you in case of Raiders. Those pesky, loveable, bloodythirsty pooches love the taste of irradiated flesh and are often used as an advance guard for everyone's favourite neighbourhood anarchists!"
And now on Radio 4, Woman's Hour with the fused entity of Jenny Murray and Kirsty Wark discussing ways you can safely filter your own urine as an alternative drinking source now that all the World's water is a toxic cesspool of death...
