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#CGACC2017
Swan Songs

Welcome to the 2017 CGACC© and, moreover, welcome to the CGACC© if this is your maiden voyage across these murky waters. Do not be afraid, for all will soon become clear, and once THAT'S happened you can be as afraid as you like. I'd personally recommend about a 6 out of 10 on the fear scale, but each to their own.

This was the most popular year and also I think it has some of the best stuff in it. Basically, this is my Purple Rain, my White Album, my OK Computer, my Bruce Springsteen & E Street Band Live 1975-'85, and if it's not your cup of tea then maybe don't try and drink the whole pot.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, beloved family members, old friends and new, bitter enemies, vague acquaintances, stalkers, professional networking opportunists, past dating disasters and current romantic prospects: tomorrow the festive season is upon us.

Now, for most of you this means nothing but the socially acceptable increase in alcohol consumption as we slide inexorably into the darkness which lurks at the year’s end; no doubt you are currently bundled up in your duvet, curtains drawn against the cold, sustaining yourself on a diet of Lemsip and hot toddys, and you’re just keeping your head down until the clocks go forward and you can return to the comforting womb of a beer garden.

However.

Tomorrow also marks the start of something else, something that brings hope and joy to LITERALLY several people (it also brings frustration, confusion and horror to others but that can’t be helped), and if you need something to help you through these difficult times then look no further. Though also please keep reading.

I’m talking, of course, about the Chris Gates Advent Calendar Campaign (CGACC©).

To those who are new to this, or who have forgotten, or who have had hypnotherapy in order to forget, let me go right ahead and, as I believe the kids are saying these days, explain to you the key points of what it is I’m talking about. Kids are weird.

You see, every year I buy an advent calendar. Not a chocolate one, I cannot make this clear enough: advent calendars with chocolate in them are the work of the devil, but a traditional one what has pictures in it. Always have done, always will do. Now, for various reasons, including perhaps some personality problems I should really seek help for, it has become tradition for me each day to post up a description of what is behind my advent calendar door. I know I know, why the fuck is THAT a thing, right? To be honest, I don’t really get it either but some people seem to like it and I’m sort of locked into it at this point so whaddyagonnado?

In all sincerity though, it’s actually a huge amount of fun for me and a hard core of friends, and I’ve genuinely been looking forward to this since about August so if you can’t join in with the spirit of it then at least try not to be a cunt.

Holidays are coming, dickheads

Comments:

Kez - I am going to be saying “the comforting womb of a beer garden” at every opportunity from now on.

I care very little for your advent nonsense though. If festivities started on December 18th and wrapped up on the 26th I’d be all for it.

Chris Gates - I understand your scepticism, I really do. And I pity it.

Mill - It's not Christmas until the CGACC begins. Only a 26-day slog and the CGACC makes it easier to bear.

Andrew - It's Chrisgates Eve...the most exciting night of the year. I'm so excited about what tomorrow will bring. I don't know if I will sleep tonight.

Mill - Can't wait!! (I give you a Christmas robot. Because I know how much that will annoy you as a non-Christmas thing.)

Chris Gates - How the fuck you have the gall to call that a Christmas robot is beyond me.

THIS is a Christmas robot

Roz - Better than the Coke truck advert!

Emmie - I’m looking forward to my inaugural CGACC. Don’t disappoint

Phillipa - Bring it ON.

Sarah W - I can say with hand on heart that I am awaiting bigger and better things now that CGACC is iminent

Lex - This had BETTER be good

Chris Gates - Yes, you made that quite clear in your ransom note thanks. Please don’t hurt them.

Advent Calendar Door 1: It’s a wreath!

An excellent start I think you’ll agree, particularly after last year where, as I’m sure you will all remember, the first picture was two dead children on a toboggan, which is not ideal. In fact, it sort of went downhill from there (the calendar I mean) and it turned out to be some kind of demonic artefact which I had to have exorcised and burnt. But that’s all in the past, bar the nightmares which will never leave me, and this year I’ve taken the precaution of buying one from a local shop rather than from t’internet, and also just in case I’ve had it blessed by a confused priest. I mean, all priests are confused, fundamentally so, but that’s a whole different problem.

So this year we start with a wreath, by which I obviously mean a Christmas wreath and not, you know, the other kind of wreath. For you see, wreaths are a curious thing in our culture and they’re divided into two separate camps; on the one hand you have Christmas wreaths which, like the one behind this door, are festooned* with ribbons and baubles, and then, on the other hand (or indeed, in the other camp) you have funeral wreaths which, for various reasons, are a tad less festive. And that’s it as far as wreathes go, those are what you might call ‘the big two’, and while I don’t claim to be a wreath expert, at best I’m an enthusiast, I’ve noticed there’s a steep drop in the popularity of wreathes in relation to other occasions. Sure, you can have a wreath at a wedding, but people will still go home talking about the bouquet, particularly if it was a horrible wedding and conversation is otherwise a bit stilted.

So yeah. Christmas. Funerals. Wreaths. What’s the connection? To find out, please read my upcoming book Wreathspiracy: A Song Of Ice and Fire. I should point out that the book has nothing to do with Game of Thrones, but I’m hoping that the association will boost sales.

*those of you playing CGACC© Bingo can now tick off the word ‘festooned’.

Comments:

Orlando - Great start. Good insights mingled with festive humility. Such an upbeat counterpoint to last year's descent into seasonal vective. The month is still young I guess.

Emma H -What's the RRP price of wreathspiracy? Can I get a signed copy?

Chris Gates - £10.99 in hardback, then there’ll be a paperback release later next year. No you can’t have a signed copy. I hate you.

Sarah D - I think I'm going to enjoy CGACC! Well I had a postbox, but I don't have too much to say about that. Perhaps something venomous about the incapability of Royal Mail...but it was a nice start. I look forward to tomorrow!

Chris Gates - A postbox? I hope to Christ it has snow on it, perhaps some holly or a robin? Anything to add a Christmassy twist? Otherwise I reckon you’ve been sold a dud mate.

Dan W - Finally it is here.... Highlight of the festive period.

Quartz - Christmas has officially begun

Miles - GET A JOB!

Marie - I'm hesitant to say this, as it's only day 1, but I'm glad to be a part of CGACC.

Chris G - It’s cautious optimism like that which keeps me going x

Laura B - Post could have been a bit longer. But a good start nonetheless.

Roz - An excellent start. Is there a CGACC bingo card we can download somewhere? Or do we have to make our own, like Blue Peter presenters?

Chris Gates - You can make your own, but the rights will belong to me. If there’s any money to be made on the back end of this then I want in.

Emma B - Also Easter wreaths are a ‘thing’ now

Jeremy - Excellent work. I think we're all going to learn a lot this Advent.

Chris Gates - More than you’d like, I dare say.

Phillipa - I was stared at by the youth in Waterstones when I tried to describe Wreathspiracy, and directed to the gardening section.

Chris Gates - It’s not out yet, my marketing people say that I should release it at close to Christmas as possible as they think it will mainly be a ‘panic buy’ item.

Kez - Unsubscribed.

Chris Gates -- Each to their own. Thought the GOT reference would have won you over for sure.

Kez - Eh. Weak. I expect more tomorrow.

Quartz - Quarz I currently have a v fetching Halloween wreath.

Advent Calendar Door 2: It’s some winter clobber!

Oh yes, I’m quite comfortable using the word ‘clobber’ thanks. I was talking to a man in a charity shop recently, he worked there and I was telling him that charity shops were my first port of call when buying a suit, and he said ‘yeah, we get some lovely clobber through here’ then he checked himself, giving me a searching look and said ‘you know, clothes and stuff’, as if he thought I’d be unfamiliar with the term. Well, I was offended, of course I was; just because I have the face, voice and smug bearing of a Conservative politician doesn’t mean I’m not a man of the people. The man must have sensed my discomfort because he then tried to steer the conversation onto football, about which I know nothing, so I made my excuses, tipped him a shiny sixpence, and left.

So yes, winter clobber, specifically a pair of green wellies (see: wellies. Man of the people) a pair of mittens and a woolly hat, the kind Dappy from N-Dubz used to wear for reasons best known to himself, with bobbles a-danglin’ down on either side, this one has a festive pattern of red and white. If I were to guess, I’d say that these belonged to either a child of toddling age or a hipster in their 20s.

Good start this year, that’s two for two so far, I’m also happy to see that the artist has added a sprig of holly to the scene to cement the Christmassy vibe. Not strictly necessary, given the already Christmassy colour scheme and festive pattern, but it’s good to see that they’re taking a belt and braces approach.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the haberdashery to buy golden buttons for my weskit. Mind how you go, treacle.

Comments:

Quartz - You would be FURIOUS with my pictorial advent calendar. Day 1: a three-storey green house with pine trees either side. Day 2: a goldfish in a goldfish bowl which has a pine tree in it, with a star of David on top. The goldfish us looking at the goldfish bowl like 'What the flip is a pine tree doing in my house?'

Advent Calendar Door 3: It’s two birds kissing on a holly branch!

Now hold on, you just hold your horses there, just because I’m a hard talking salt of the earth bloke, as we established yesterday, don’t think that when I say ‘birds’ that I mean women. Heaven forfend. Apart from anything else, two fully grown adult women kissing on a holly branch, while undeniably having a certain aesthetic appeal, would be nothing short of a health and safety nightmare, and that’s just not how I roll.

Everyone clear? Good.

So, two birds kissing on a holly branch; dancing, as it were, beak to beak. What kind of bird, you ask? Not a clue. My ornithological knowledge, I’m ashamed to say, starts and ends with birds with funny names, such as bluetits, the thrush, and the dribbling cock-juice pigeon. You’d think they’d be robins but they’re not, they certainly have red breasts, but if you think I’m about to Google ‘birds with red breasts’ this early on a Sunday then you’ve got another think* coming.

I’ll allow it, the inclusion of the holly branch makes this sufficiently Christmassy by my own standards, but it frustrates me that the artist didn’t think to use robins here. It may seem like a minor point to those new to the CGACC©, but if you’re a grizzled old veteran like me then you know we’ve got 21 doors to go, and small mistakes this early on are usually sign of larger mistakes yet to come. So be warned, this is me warning you, I tend to take a very dim view of advent calendar artists who aren’t giving it 100%. A very dim view indeed.

*it IS think and not thing isn’t it? I know that’s right but it just hits the eye wrong doesn’t it? In all other contexts ‘think’ is a verb, and yet here suddenly it’s a noun. What a bastard the English language truly is.

Comments:

Mill - Could they be the two colly/calling birds from the 12 days of Christmas...?

Chris Gates - Colly birds, as a brief bit of Googling will tell you, are blackbirds, and these are not those. Thanks for playing though.

Roz - Is it two turtle doves? Or even French hens?

Chris Gates - Shit. Turtle doves. I think that that’s exactly what they are. Though I can’t find any with red breasts on Google images. Let’s just keep this between you and me.

Lex - Turtle doves are famous for being divas, and all round arseholes when it comes to Christmas likely wouldn't pose for the artist. Laughing Doves have a similar look but with a pinkish tinge to their breast feathers and are a lot nicer to hang out with.

Orlando - Thanks Chris. Much appreciated update. Useful info as always. Also, good to have you clarify your position vis-a-vis bird nomenclature. I'll try not to have any further thinks for the rest of the day.

Rebecca - It is definitely "think". Thank you for getting it right. I am proud.

Advent Calendar Door 4: It’s a pair of Christmas crackers!

Just to give you some insight into how seriously I take the CGACC©, I was staying at my dad’s place last night after a wedding and I could have had a nice lie in but no, I had to get up at half five, still basically drunk, so I could take a train home in the freezing cold, open today’s door and post it up before 9 when most of you are starting work. You’re fucking welcome.

Right, where were we? Ah yes, crackers. Two of them, one red and one green, which is a nice extra festive touch by the artist. Now, I’m not normally a competitive man, apart from that year where I had a rivalry with a fellow commuter as to who could be off the train and through the barriers first (I won the year with a healthy 169 to his 50, though to be fair he didn’t know he was playing) but other than that I’m not even slightly competitive. However, when it comes to crackers I’m a fucking demon; the trick is to hold your thumb down on the cardboard strip so that it’s pressed against the inner wall of the cracker tube, which increases your chances of winning by roughly 68%. To find out more please buy my upcoming book, Harry Potter and the Christmas Cracker Advantage which, while not taking place in the HP universe, has been a legal nightmare to get published as I’m sure you can imagine.

I must say, I’m very impressed with this calendar so far. It’s been, to put it mildly, a right old cunt of a year, so it’s nice that the Advent Calendar Gods are smiling on me and, by association, on you pricks as well x

Comments:

Sarah D - Chris, I for one am grateful for the sacrifice you made this morning to deliver the latest installment and thus make my commute more cheerful, even if you did refer to your adoring public as 'pricks'. Fair enough I guess. I am also now on the look out for a fellow commuter to race through the barriers...

Advent Calendar Door 5: It’s a Christmas tree!

Ladies and gentlemen, shit just got real. The question with any Advent calendar, as i’m sure you all know, is ‘what’s behind door 24?’. Now, I tend to get non-religious calendars, apart from last year’s one which was, as most of you will remember, Satanic, and so the options for door 24 are basically limited to Father Christmas or a Christmas tree because there’s no chance of a manger scene with a little baby Jesus in a secular calendar, or indeed the Antichrist as we had last year, but all that’s left of him now are the nightmares and at least now they only happen when I’m asleep.

Given this fact, the artist is making quite a bold move by busting out a Christmas tree this early in the game, I usually don’t expect to see one of these until at least door 20. They, the artist, have played a strong game so far, but frankly I’m a little nervous because if they now also break out Father Christmas, and don’t think it won’t happen because it certainly has before and if happens again then I will go seriously fucking mental and I will NOT be accountable for my actions, then what’s going to be left for Door 24? Yeah, do you feel that? That, my friends, is tension.

Anyway, I’m off to the place where I burnt and buried last year’s calendar; I have to salt the earth after every full moon otherwise He will rise again and, apart from anything else, none of us has the time to handle the Armageddon right now, not with Christmas coming up.

Comments:

Jeremy - This tree does indeed seem alarmingly premature. Any chance of a little dendrological detail? Are we talking spruce, fir or pine? And how do you feel about the choice?

Chris Gates - Alarming is right, my dear Jeremy, I knew I could count on you to take this seriously. In answer to your question I believe the tree to be a spruce. When it comes to Christmas trees I consider myself to be fairly liberal, though I myself prefer a pine tree I wouldn't force my preference on anyone else. Even fake trees are acceptable to me. Christmas is not a time for prejudice, though I still think that people who wait until after the Queen's speech to open their presents should be shot.

Jeremy - There are such people? Good God, what have we come to? Your preference for the pine is to your credit. It is hard to beat the Lodgepole pine (pinus cordata) for appearance, 'traditional' scent and exceptional needle retention... but I'm preaching to the converted though.

Sarah D - Does this mean that you two also watch the Queen's speech? I know few people, whereas I, in the company of my Nan, must stand for the national anthem and preferably remain so until the end.

Chris Gates - That's hilarious. I don't think I've ever actually watched the Queen's speech, might try and watch it this year but if it's on at the same time as Doctor who then she can do one.

Sarah D - Damn! You made me admit it. Just when I thought I was in a safe place to share my Christmas traditions/ordeals* (delete as appropriate)

Advent Calendar Door 6: It’s a snow globe!

This is great, I mean really nice, it’s a snow globe with a little snowman and a little Christmas tree inside it, and on the snowman’s arm it a tiny little robin.

I...I don’t know what to say. I mean, I’ve heard of falling in love, it’s one of those crazy sorts of thing people do in movies, like fighting dragons or walking in the rain without an umbrella, and I never really thought, never truly BELIEVED, that it would happen to me. I mean, I know, I KNOW that we’re not even halfway through and that really it’s too early to say for sure, but at some point you’ve just got to forget what you know and listen to your heart, you know? Maybe I’m just being naive, maybe it’s because I’ve been treated so poorly by Advent calendars in the past, who hasn’t? But also maybe this is the thing I’ve been waiting for? Sure, I always assumed it would be a woman, preferably someone who works in theatre and not a glittery piece of cardboard, but maybe that’s just what society has conditioned me to think. It’s the 21st century after all and anything’s possible.

Or I guess, you know, everyone gets lonely at Christmas so who’s to say? I’ll hold off on the engagement for now until at least door 20.

Comments:

Mill - I don't mean to kill your buzz but this was way more fun last year when everything was awful. I'm hoping this is just the honeymoon period of your relationship with this calendar, and that the cracks will start to show soon...

Chris Gates - Jealous much?

Lex - I confess, as a hardened cynic who hates all things Christmas, I thought that this calendar thing was going to be shit. But I stand corrected. I have joined the ranks in wondering what could possibly lie behind door 24

Chris Gates - Another convert! Welcome into the fold Lex, there’s a meeting on the 24th where everyone drinks Kool Aid. Apart from me as I have an allergy.

Lex - I'm busy pulling the legs off sheep in manger displays that day. But have a good time

Miles - Doesn't a snowman trapped in a snow globe suggests that he is trapped inside small prison full of small chunks of flesh of his dead family?

Tamsin - Loving these, much better than my real advent calendar or my online one... who needs jolly bears sledging anyway

Clare - This is just what I need to deal with FB pics of perfect trees/families/relationships and indeed all things perfect sparkly and Xmas themed. From the bottom of my heart I thank you

Rebecca - Only a few days ago were you decrying the state of the image behind the window... Be careful. You don't want to get your heart broken, kid.

Jonny G - By crikey this is truly the second best thing that had happened in 2017.

Chris Gates - I’m just warming up, what was the first?

Jonny G -The royal engagement.

Chris Gates - Pfff, get fucked.

Jonny G - HAHA. Just kidding. I got engaged. Didn't seem to get the same kind of press.

Chris Gates - Hmmm, well congratulations and all that. But still.

Andrew - A Christmas love story! Classically you should fall in love and then have a misunderstanding that leads to you breaking up. Will you get back together in time for the 24th?

Chris Gates - You’ve always had a keen eye for an unfolding narrative arc, Andy, and that’s why I like you.

Advent Calendar Door 7: It’s a sprig of holly!

We’ve all seen holly, right? That’s not an unreasonable assumption is it? Green spiky leaves? All clustered ‘round a knot of red berries? You know, holly.

This has literally been on every advent calendar I’ve ever had, even the Satanic one of 2016, and I’ve never really questioned its Christmassy credentials, but a brief bit of Googling tells me (and this feels like something I once knew but have since forgotten) that the spiky leaves are meant to represent Jesus’ crown of thorns and the red berries represent his blood. Bit inappropriate for Christmas innit? I mean, sure, we all know that the story of Jesus ends with his death on the cross, we’re beyond the need of a spoiler alert at this point, but isn’t referencing that fact on his birthday a bit of a downer? You wouldn’t, for example, if you knew someone who’d just had a baby, buy them a card saying ‘

Congratulations on the birth of your child, though obviously one day it will die so bear that in mind’? I mean, you could, and technically you’d be correct, but you wouldn’t be popular.

So why do we have holly on Christmas? I’ll have to accept its inclusion here as a sufficiently Christmassy picture, as I have always done, but can there please be a meeting or something next year where we consider taking it off the list of acceptable festive foliage?

It’s fine and everything, but after the excitement of the snow globe yesterday I’m kind of disappointed. It’s fine though, really, absolutely fine, I guess relationships can’t be excitement and fireworks all the time, so it’s fine that sometimes you’re just going through to the motions. Honestly, it’s totally and unassailably fine. Fine.

Comments:

Quartz - Not only is Holly a symbol of the Crucifixtion, so are robins. Do you know why robins have red breasts? I do #goodlittlechurchgirl

Chris Gates - Holly is also a people name

Quartz - Indeed. But that doesn't answer my robins question

Chris Gates - Yeah, I know the one about robins and the crucifixion. I went to Catholic school, for my sins.

Kez -I HATE HOW MUCH I LOOK FORWARD TO THIS EVERY MORNING

Chris Gates - You have my sympathies.

Kez - I actually caught myself thinking about it last night. Genuinely wondering what picture lay in store for us on the morrow. I wanted to hate this, I really did. I’m gutted.

Sarah D - Feeling your pain. I get comfy in my seat on the train at 9am and eagerly log in to Facebook ready for the next instalment of the CGACC

Kez - I HATE to admit it... but I’m excited for tomorrow.

Jeremy - You're not alone, Kez. There's talk of a support group.

Rob - All evergreen plants during pagan times were thought to houses the spirits of the forest during winter. It was believed that bringing sprigs of these plants into your houses during the coldest part of winter would give your house good luck due to being kind to these spirits. However if you left them in too long they would get too active and start to play tricks on you in your house. A possible reason behind the bad luck associated with leaving decorations up too long.

Advent Calendar Door 8: It’s two bells!

This, my friends, takes the piss.

When you’ve spent as long as I have in the Advent calendar description business (and it IS a business) a bit if deja vu is inevitable. Yesterday, for example, with the holly, I had a feeling that I’d seen that exact picture before, but I didn’t comment on it because, as I said, there’ll always be a bit of fucking holly on an advent calendar (which is fine) and they all sort of blend together after a while so it’s hard to be certain.

These bells, however, these fucking bells, man, I know I’ve seen these bells before. For one thing, bells aren’t as common as holly, but for another these bells are a very distinctive colour, a reddish sort of purple tied with a green ribbon at the top which makes them look like some kind of exotic pendulous fruit. I’ve definitely seen these bells before, and you know how I know? THEY’VE APPEARED IN THE MOTHERFUCKING CGACC©!

I swear, it was about three years ago and it was the 2nd or 3rd week of December so it should appear in my On This Day bit at some point and when it does I’m sharing it and blowing this whole conspiracy sky fucking high! And, needless to say, from now on my relationship with this calendar will be strictly professional. It’ll be awkward and of course I’m heartbroken, but this is what comes from getting involved with people/glittery pieces of cardboard you’re working with.

The whole thing’s a racket, I’ve often thought that there might somewhere be a common stock of Advent calendar pictures that people can dip into, obviously the artist will make most pictures from scratch, but coming up with 24 Christmassy little pictures is tougher than you might think and they must occasionally have to pad their own work out a bit. I mean, you can see their logic can’t you? ‘What could go wrong? Who’s going to remember from one year to another what pictures they have and haven’t seen? It’s not like there’s some pedantic idiot keeping a record is there?’

Au contraire.

Comments:

Lex - Ok, I feel I have to say something here. I can't just stand by and watch a blossoming love turn into dry eyed, hard bitten resentment. Much like the orange at the bottom of a stocking, the Queens speech and fucking Geldof, some things are inevitable at Christmas. People expect them. Sure you need to keep it contemporary but a nod to tradition is sure acceptable. Clearly you are hurt and have felt mislead, but cast your mind back to the hazy days of the snow globe and find it in your heart to give the calendar another chance.

On a side note, I really wish I didn't care about this.

Chris Gates - Maybe you’re right, Lex. I’m just so hurt right now, I feel like I’ve been lied too and it’s gonna hard for me to forgive that. But I’ll try, that’s all any of us can do.

Lex - We are all very proud of you

Kez - I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN. You got too emotionally invested and now you’re hurt. We told you to take it slow because it could hurt you like all the other calendars. And look where we are.

Chris Gates - What can I say Kez? I’m a hopeless romantic. I’m sure it’ll be fine as long as neither of us starts to get passive aggressive. I know *I* won’t anyway.

Nick M - 20/12/2014Advent Calendar Door 20: It's bells! Yeah bells, not sleigh bells mind you just your normal, every day bells, but it's fine, don't panic, because clearly the artist is beginning to get to grips with my rules about Christmas variants because the bells are red and they're tied together with a green ribbon. Weirdly though, either by accident or design, this colour scheme makes these bells look like two pendulous, tropical fruit so the artist's shot themselves in the foot really. Still, ten out of ten for effort.

Chris Gates - Gold star

Mark L- It smacks to me of LAZINESS!!! The worst kind of laziness - the seasonal variety. It stems from what some people call tradition. Culinary idleness- Turkey, decorative sloth - tinsel: the list goes on and on as far as I’m concerned. Thanks for keeping it real

Advent Calendar Door 9: It’s a present!

Ah, presents, the true meaning of Christmas. Funny how the simple act of wrapping an object in brightly coloured paper instantly transforms it into something interesting, it works with even the most mundane of objects, a ceiling tile, a radiator key, the books of Katie Price; any object, no matter how boring or pointless, can be temporarily engendered with a sense of mystery and wonder. I don’t see why this practice is limited only to gifts, supermarkets should do it with your shopping, chemists should do it with prescriptions; how much more pleasant would it be to receive your Diazepam or Viagra or Canesten wrapped in glittery paper? That reminds me, must pop into Boots later.

This particular present is of the classic design; a box wrapped with a bow favoured by people who, unlike me when it comes to gift wrapping, have a but of flair. Seriously, last year I took the time to wrap all my presents neatly, rather than in a rush and hungover five minutes before they’re meant to be opened, and it blew my family’s collective minds; DNA tests had to be carried out to make sure I was in fact who I claimed to be. That was a fun Christmas.

I’m assuming this is a box anyway, because it’s been drawn dead on from the side and the artist hasn’t taken the time to put in the all important third axis, so it looks just looks like a blue square. I mean, that’s their choice, and how they want to live their lives is none of my business, but it’s exactly this kind of laziness and inattention which will put strain on their future relationships. If you’re not prepared to put in the effort with other people then you shouldn’t expect them to put in the effort with you. Just saying.

Comments:

Mill - I like the idea of your "family's collective minds", like they're the Borg or something...

Advent Calendar Door 10: It’s a gingerbread house!

My first reaction to this, as I’m sure you can imagine, was one of cold fury. Though many might disagree, I do not consider a gingerbread house to be sufficiently Christmassy in and of itself to warrant inclusion in an advent calendar, and those of you who have followed the CGACC© since its inception will know Chris’s second law of Advent calendar dynamics, which states: An advent calendar picture must be an inherently festive object or scene, or a festive variant of an unchristmassy object or scene. That’s just science*

‘What,’ I screamed into the void, ‘is Christmassy about a gingerbread house?’ I mean, sure, it lures in children against their will and thereupon forces them into a state of gluttony like in the movie Se7en, and that’s a very wry observation the artist is making but Christmas is NOT a time for cynicism and references to the work of David Fincher!

However, once I had calmed down and the red mist had started to fade, I took a closer look and noticed that there were little gingerbread Christmas trees and a little gingerbread man with a teeny tiny Santa hat on, and my icy heart melted with festive cheer.

I...I’m so confused now. It’s always like this after a break up: you think you’ve moved on and then your ex goes and does something that makes you forget all the shit they put you through and you start to think maybe it could work. Are people truly capable of change? Are Advent calendars? I don’t know, guys. I just don’t know.

*the first law is ‘chocolate advent calendars are stupid and you’re stupid for liking them you big stupid.’ #science

Comments:

Mark L - Well, I feel at this point I must issue CGACC a reminder of the inherent battle between philosophy and science in matters of seasonal calendars: if a chocolate manufacturer produces an advent calendar which contains the most christmassy pictures ever, but nobody’s ever seen it, does this mean it doesn’t exist? #felledxmastreeinphilosoohicalforest #conundrum

Chris Gates - Chocolate negates the quality of even the finest festive picture on principle; the joy of a Christmassy picture should be its own reward and chocolate advent calendars are one of the worst symptoms of decadent Western capitalism. Yes, that’s right, one of the worst.

Even if this weren’t the case, however, the whole hassle of a chocolate advent calendar just takes all joy out of it, you often have to push the chocolate out from the back and oftentimes you accidentally open doors surrounding the one you’re trying to open and ruin the surprise for yourself. AND the plastic housing they use for the chocolate obscured the picture so you don’t get the full effect. I really can’t be more clear about this: chocolate advent calendars are a waste of time.

Jeremy - A timely reminder,

Advent Calendar Door 11: It’s a Christmas star!

By which I mean a drawing of a star, you know: yellow with four points like no star ever, rather than an honest to goodness light in the night sky. Bit bland if I’m honest, unimaginative. Typical behaviour that I think we have all come to expect.

Bit of personal history: I got in trouble at school once because of stars. This is one of those memories from childhood where you’re not 100% that it wasn’t a dream you had, but this was in Primary school, very early on, it was Christmas and we were given some shiny paper and were told to make stars, and then shown how to make that five pointed shape which was unfamiliar to me at the time for whatever reason. Now, this confused me at the time because, you know, stars don’t look like that. I had SEEN stars and if they wanted me to make stars then dammit, I’d give ‘em real stars. So, while all the other kids got busy glueing and cutting and sticking, I was just grabbing handfulls if shiny paper and balling them up. I mean, personally I think that I was doing the best job there; I was producing about 8 stars for every 1 that the other kids were making AND they were cosmologically more accurate. My teacher didn’t see it quite the same way. She walked over to my table, which was surrounded by a good 20 or 30 balls of shiny paper and, well, we had a chat about our differing perspectives on the matter. In the end, she and I gathered up all the bits of paper, smoothed them out as best we could, and we negotiated a star design that was a compromise between our two viewpoints. So when it came to our Christmas assembly, and all the decorations were hung up, you could see dangling from the ceiling all the perfectly neat little five pointers gently spinning round, and then occasionally, amidst these celestial mockeries, formed of the crinkliest shiny paper available to man, were my technically more accurate, though admittedly less appealing, jagged little lumps, for which I had diligently negotiated 7 points, which I still don’t think is enough to be honest with you.

Anyway, until tomorrow.

Advent Calendar Door 12: It’s Rudolph!

By which I mean the reindeer and not the Nazi politician Rudolph Hess, who I certainly would not consider to be Christmassy, not in the slightest, though it is interesting to note that the first appearance of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer was in 1939, by which time the Nazis had risen to power and Rudolph Hess had been Deputy Führer for 6 years. Am I expected to believe that that’s a coincidence? AM I? Yes, yes I am.

I assume this is Rudolph at any rate, due to, of course, the red nose, and I’m also generous in assuming that this is a reindeer because really it looks like a dog with antlers glued on, and if that’s what’s going on here then I will have no choice but to call the RSPCC and/or the police. Please understand that I would not be doing so out of spite against the calendar, that’s the last thing I’d do, I’d just be doing what’s right, okay? Okay???

Now, this is only the second solo ‘reindeer’ we’ve ever had in the CGACC©*, the first being in 2015, so this is a rare treat indeed, much like venison is. It’d be nice if the artist had a better concept of what a reindeer is supposed to look like, or had bothered to Google it, or if they had paid attention at any point during their lives around Christmas gor, you know, watched TV, movies, seen Christmas cards etc. I mean, how do you get to the point in your life when you’ve been asked to make an advent calendar and not know what a fucking reindeer looks like? How?

*incidentally, how are you pronouncing CGACC©? I’ve always just said it as acronym, C G A C C, but someone asked me if it was pronounced ‘see-gack’ and I’m not sure that I don’t prefer it.

Comments

Lex - A dank dark sweatshop in an unknown land where children are kept, never seeing the light of day and forced to draw jolly pictures of Christmas things which they themselves will never see. How do you describe a reindeer to them? They've never even seen a real star. Oh god. This got dark. Really dark.

Emmie - Not unconvinced that this calendar is a form of stealth propaganda from the Alt-Right and that Paul Joseph Watson is going to be behind door 24

Chris Gates - Anything’s possible in the CGACC©. We had the Antichrist last year, well, it was actually baby Donald Trump but potato/potato.

Advent Calendar Door 13: It’s a robin!

First of all, apologies for the delay in posting and thank you for all your messages of concern; I’m absolutely fine but very hungover. This is a long standing feature of the CGACC©; I try and post before 9 each morning but since it’s December there are a lot of Christmas gatherings going on and occasionally I get carried away and lose sight of my responsibilities. Normal service will now be resumed and I apologise for any inconvenience this delay may have caused.

Right, so it’s a robin, which is a classic advent calendar picture, but truth be told it is an unremittingly shit drawing. As with the reindeer from yesterday, I’m not sure the artist has ever actually seen a robin, because apart from the distinctive red breast this is like no robin that has ever existed. They’re typically quite small and delicate birds, hopping timidly hither and yon, but this fucker is huge and almost completely square, and while I’m not one to criticise any artist who’s trying new modes of expression, I can’t help but feel that an advent calendar is not the ideal medium through which to dip one’s toes into the murky waters of cubism*

Ugh, that’ll do won’t it? Okay, now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to climb into a massive bottle of Lucozade. See you all tomorrow.

Incidentally, we’re over half way now, it’s around this time of year that I start to think about getting my Christmas shopping done, but I never do. I have the greatest confidence that I can do it all, as I do most things, at the last minute whilst crying.

*those of you playing CGACC© bingo can now cross off the phrase ‘murky waters of cubism’.

Advent Calendar Door 14: It’s a motherfucking swan!

A swan? Seriously? A fucking SWAN!? No no no no no and, furthermore, no. Absolutely not. There is no way in hell that this is acceptable, it’s completely unjustifiable and spurious and the artist is clearly grasping at straws and I take back every good thing I ever said about them.

I mean, come the fuck on, they might have drawn a turkey here, and I might, I MIGHT, even have accepted a goose, but a SWAN? What the fuck buggering piss biscuits made them think a swan would be appropriate? Surely no one outside the Bullingdon club even eats swans anymore, and it’s not like there was a swan in Jesus’ manger along with the cows and sheep and I’m pretty sure that there’s nothing in the pagan winter festival tradition about swans, are swans even around during winter? Are there any carols or Christmas cartoons about swans? No. No there fucking aren’t.

This is an absolute joke and this calendar is dead to me now. I’m so sorry everyone, I don’t usually air my dirty laundry in public, but when someone or something hurts you so fundamentally and so deeply and breaks your second law of advent calendar dynamics then you have to let all the pain out, otherwise it just sits in your soul and festers.

I just can’t believe it. You know, I was warned that a swan could break my arm, but no one ever said it could break my heart.

Comments:

Mill - I think you'll find that swan was the traditional Christmas dinner before turkey...

Chris Gates -I don’t think I will.

Mill - It's true!

Chris Gates - It’s really not.

Mill - The online Christmas quiz from J2O begs to differ.

Chris Gates - Oh, well I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had such credible historical evidence on your side! There’s no way that swan was traditional, it’s way too specialist, too much of a delicacy, the swan population has never been high enough and i don’t think they’ve ever been farmed. I’m not saying that no one has ever eaten swan at Christmas but it’s never been traditional in the UK or anywhere else.

Mill I'm thinking this is like, a pretty long time ago, like the Middle Ages or something when probably only the super rich could even afford to have a Christmas dinner...

Chris Gates - Even if that were the case, it wouldn’t qualify a swan being sufficiently Christmassy for inclusion in an advent calendar.

Advent Calendar Door 15: It’s a bauble!

Sorry about the delay folks, I know many of you will have been itching for your CGACC© fix, unable to focus on your work, ignoring your loved ones, staring off into the middle distance and hopelessly trying to ignore the emptiness welling up inside you like a yawning abyss of despair. Such is the nature of addiction, my friends, and such is the power I hold over you. Never forget it.

So it’s a bauble which, I hardly need to tell you, is a classic advent calendar picture. It’s red with a bow tied on it and it’s hanging from a ribbon which extends upwards out of the frame of the picture and into the murky realms of speculation. Is it tied to a Christmas tree branch? Possibly, dear reader, very possibly, but who’s to say? It could be hanging from anything; a chandelier, a robot’s penis, the neck of the Loch Ness monster, or it could just continue upwards, uninterrupted into the sky, through the atmosphere and into the inky void of space, past the boundary of our solar system and continuing lightyears through the galaxy, being drawn inexorably into the event horizon of a black hole and thence into oblivion.

Right. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take my hangover Christmas shopping. Wish me luck.

Comments

Quartz - This is what you do, isn't it? You do one window late, just to remind us all how much we need you. You sick bastard.

Chris Gates - I get my kicks.

Kez - I’ve been waiting all morning for this!!! And it’s up before the end of my lunch break!

Chris Gates - It’s a Christmas miracle.

Kez - Praise be to Aslan

Lex - Has everyone forgotten about the fucking Swan already? I don't think a measly Christmas decoration makes up for this. I'm not ready to move on from the blatant sloppy bird action. I'm not sure I want to think about the phrase 'sloppy bird action' for too long either.

Andrew - I confess that I often wait until the evening to read CGACC. In fact, sometimes I wait a few days and binge read the backlog. It's just my way of pretending that I am in control, like self delusional alcoholic.

Advent Calendar Door 16: It’s an angel!

A herald angel, like in that song. Hey, when you were a kid did you think that the lyrics were ‘Hark, the herald angel sings’ and the song was about a single herald angel called Hark? And did you grow up thinking that? Like, did you get quite far into your twenties before you realised? And you were at a party and the person you were flirting with had an angel necklace, and you asked about it and they said it was a herald angel and you said ‘oh, like Hark’ and they just stared at you blankly until you explained ‘you know, like in the song about Hark the herald angel’ and they just walked off laughing? Yeah, no, me neither.

He’s flying through the air while holding his herald’s trumpet to his mouth, which is surely a dangerous thing to do while flying, the angelic equivalent of running with scissors. He’s actually not even holding it to his mouth, he’s just got it pressed up against his face where his nose would be, so he’s probably just showing of, which doesn’t surprise me; angels have always seemed a bit smug to me, it’s like ‘oh, we’re celestial beings of light but we also fly and play the harp and look how white our robes are!’

Bunch of feathery bastards.

Now, there’s been a bit of trouble with angels in the past, as anyone who’s read Paradise Lost can tell you, but specifically I mean there’s been a problem with angels in relation to the CGACC©. We had a fair few last year which I didn’t I accept because they were like renaissance painting angels and not Christmassy angels, but this guy’s okay...ugh...Hark the herald angel. I mean, it’s an easy mistake to make right? Honestly, some people just need to take themselves less seriously.

Comments:

Lex - I request that we, as a nation, replace the collective term 'host' of angels with 'a smug feathery bastardness' of angels

Kez - This is my favourite so far! I prefer the slightly pissy ones. They’re more relatable.

Advent Calendar Door 17: It’s a sprig of mistletoe!

Ah, mistletoe; the acceptable face of sexual harassment. Do you remember that bit in ‘Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves’ where the unapologetically American Kevin Costner and the emergent, honey voiced Morgan Freeman are trekking through Medieval England, and Costner’s Robin Hood spots some mistletoe in a tree, picks some and says ‘Look, mistletoe! Many a maid’s lost her resolve to me thanks to this little plant!’ And Morgan Freemen says ‘In my country we talk to our women. We do not drug them with plants.’?

I remember that scene, I remember it very well, and not only is it a bit, um, you know, creepy as fuck, but I’m pretty sure it’s scientifically inaccurate, and either Robin Hood or the script writer didn’t know what the fuck he was doing. If it was the script writer, then what was he thinking when he wrote this scene? ‘Okay, what we need here is a scene where we show that our Robin Hood is a bit of a rogue, bit of a ladies man, what’s the best way to do that? Hmmm, well if was a modern film I’d just say he used rohypnol on some women, obviously, but that’s not suited to the period...hmmmm, well what would be the Medieval equivalent....?’ And then he just made up some bollocks and now it belongs to the ages. He also wrote a comic rape scene and Alan Rickman won an Oscar for it.

Happy holidays everyone.

Advent Calendar Door 18: It’s a Christmas pudding!

Ah, Christmas pudding; nobody’s favourite thing about Christmas. Again, this is a classic advent calendar picture; the artist and I seemed to have reached an unspoken understanding over the last few pictures, they’re keeping It traditional and I’m not losing my temper. During what the media are now referring to as ‘Swangate’ I’ll admit that I said some pretty nasty things about the calendar, I was on some medication at the time, a dangerous combination of Lemsip and whisky, and while I would like to take full responsibility for my words and actions, I think my altered state of mind goes a little way towards explaining why I said what I said.

The advent calendar and I are currently going through couples therapy, though our relationship is strictly platonic, and we’re working through our differences, making a lot of ‘I’ statements and all the other tedious bollocks that couples therapists make you do. Apologies, that comment came from a place of anger and that’s something I’m trying to work on.

To resume: Christmas pudding. I think the time has come when we, as a nation, need to move away from Christmas pudding. It’s time to let it go. Look, I know, I KNOW that it’s traditional and I’m all for tradition so long as it’s beneficial to everyone, and I think the percentage of people who enjoy Christmas pudding is far smaller than the percentage that doesn’t like it, or merely tolerates it. We can get rid of it, I know we can, there’s even precedent; do you remember how awful wedding cake used to be? Do you? It was just a collection of all the most bitter dried fruit crammed together and imprisoned within an inch thick wall of marzipan. Nowadays you can have whatever you like; sponge, gateau, fucking cheesecake, whatever your heart desires. All I’m saying is: let’s consider the fact that Christmas pudding is just not working anymore. It’s outdated. It’s like that racist family member who everyone’s little wary of but who will nonetheless be invited to every single family gathering until either they, or the person who keeps inviting them, dies.

I mean, come the fuck on, who’s it even for? I’ll tell you who likes Christmas pudding and that’s Leave voters. Where’s my proof for that? I have none but that’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it, much like 52% of the country.

Comments

Peter - I voted leave and love Christmas Pudding!!!

Chris Gates - QED

Andrew - I'll tell you who sounds like the Leave voter, Chris 'Nigel' Gates. So, a tiny majority means you can force the 48% who love Christmas pudding to leave it behind. Apparently we aren't even allowed a common market with the most forward looking of puddings and instead have to have the hardest of desserts. All because of those pudding haters who wanted to "take Christmas back".

Chris Gates - You make a compelling point articulately.

Andrew - It just makes me so angry! Anyway, I'm glad to see the CGACC romance story arc is developing appropriately. Have you considered a movie treatment yet?

Advent Calendar Door 19: It’s a snowman!

I’ve seen a lot of snowmen over the years, by which I obviously mean I’ve fucked a lot of snowmen. Like, a lot a lot. Now, I know what you’re thinking ‘Chris, what about the frostbite?’ And yes, that’s been a problem in the past; I don’t want to get too graphic here, but basically the solution is lots of layers and a bit of Deep Heat. I’m joking of course. Or am I?*

I’ve seen a lot of snowmen over the years and they come in many varieties, as have I**, from the squat ones made from one shapeless lump of snow piled on another, that’s my specialty, to the super fancy ones with arms, legs and, in some cases, lungs and a central nervous system. The one behind this door is on the fancier end of the spectrum, coal buttons and eyes, carrot nose, arms, legs, hat, scarf: the works. He’s also clearly a living snowman, like in that famous Christmas film whose name I forget, because he’s waving and leaning back on a...what the fuck IS he leaning back on? At first glance it genuinely looks like a tiny brown whale, but then if you zoom in (by which I mean move your face closer, unless like me you are a cyborg and have photovision***) it looks like a sack of presents, the kind you’d normally expect Father Christmas to have. This is a bit troubling if I’m honest, because what’s this fucker doing with Santa’s sack of presents? An elf I could understand, but a snowman? I just worry that he’s done something to Father Christmas; I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a snowman racist or anything, some of my best friends are snowpeople, but they don’t have jobs and you always see them hanging around with children and I for one don’t trust them.

Sorry for the delay today folks, another festive hangover I’m afraid. To be honest I’ll be glad when December’s over because then people won’t be so eager to enable my rampant alcoholism.

*Yes.

**I haven’t

***Another little joke. Oh my, we are having fun aren’t we?

Kez - I want my money back for this severe delay. You can’t produce a service like this AND give in to the pressures of festive binge drinking. You have to pick a side. I, for one, decided that this year I will be partaking in the former, so have not committed to anything important before 11am during December. Tis the season to get rat arsed after all

Advent Calendar Door 20: It’s a partridge in a pear tree!

This is brilliant, simply wonderful; I’ve never seen this in an advent calendar before, it’s inspired, it’s in keeping with Chris’s second law of advent calendar dynamics AND it’s a good drawing*. Goddamnit advent calendar, why can’t I quit you!?

I mean, even though the 12 Days Of Christmas song is total nonsense, it is nonetheless an essential addition to any Christmas playlist. Last year I got really bored of all the Christmas songs I knew, and of course we all know them all, we’ve heard them as much as or more than our favourite non-Christmas songs, especially if you work in retail and you’re forced to listen to them all on an infinite loop from about the 1st of November onwards until you start bleeding from your eyes. There are alternatives, such as This Must Be Christmas by a band called My Morning Jacket from their Christmas album which is now what I listen to while wrapping presents. If you have any suggestions for little known or alternative Christmas songs (that aren’t shit) please mention them in the comments below.

What really sucks about Christmas music is the off-brand stuff you’ll sometimes hear if ever you venture into Poundland or something like that. It’s so sad, but like properly saddening, like seeing homeless people or children abandoned at an orphanage; these are songs that for one reason or another just haven’t made it into the mainstream, and there are literally thousands of them. True, some of them are just awful, if original, or failed covers of already popular songs, but occasionally, if you look hard enough, you will find a gem. So remember, ladies and gentlemen, while you’re sitting round the Christmas table this year, and you’re listening to Wham, Nat King Cole or, God help us all, East 17, spare a thought for the Christmas songs that have been left out in the cold.

*Now I know some of you will be itching to say, ‘But Chris, if you’re accepting a partridge in a pear tree then surely you should have accepted the swan a few days ago because that’s in the song,’ and to those people I would say a big fat ‘piss off’. As I made clear at the time, I’d have accepted seven swans, because that’s what’s specified in the song, but a single swan is simply not good enough, even if it is a-swimming. Now stop pissing about in the footnotes and get back to the main body of the text.

Comments:

Kez - THIS is the content I came here for.

Andrew - Particularly good footnote action this year.

Chris Gates - It’s been something of a revolution in terms of format this year; I’ve not previously used footnotes and also I used to write one continuous block of text rather than using paragraph breaks. Never let it be said that the CGACC© is afraid of breaking new ground.

Mill - Pretty sure that according to the song it's meant to be your 'true love' who gives you the partridge in a pear tree... so I'm glad things are back on track between you and the calendar after it gave you this gift, and I look forward to hearing wedding bells (jingle bells?) soon...

Advent Calendar Door 21: It’s a stocking!

A blue stocking with a festive pattern of snowflakes and a white trim, and there’s the edge of a present wrapped in blue paper sticking out the top. Classic.

I’m going to get a bit sentimental here, but do you remember the excitement of a Christmas stocking? Even once I had stopped believing in Father Christmas (28 years old, I was) I had trouble sleeping on Christmas Eve, knowing that my parents would be leaving a stocking outside my room before they went to bed; obviously when they were keeping up the whole Father Christmas bit they’d get up super early in the morning by which time, against all possibility, I had managed to fall asleep. I can’t remember exactly when it was that I stopped believing in Father Christmas entirely, I don’t remember anyone sitting down and having a conversation with me about it, though I’m told that one year a toy I had been given in my stocking didn’t work and my dad said ‘oh well, I’ll just It back to WH Smith’*.

I’d like to say that I stopped believing because of the mathematical impossibility of Father Christmas delivering presents to every child in the world, but I was capable of sustaining much stupider beliefs as a child, like when I thought that the theme song to a show, such as Neighbours or Home and Away, was sung by the cast of the show, or that your age was a cartoon number that lived in your stomach and would move out on your birthday to be replaced by a new one, so I don’t think I would have had the scientific ability to debunk flying reindeer, and in all honesty I still kind of believe the number thing.

So okay, I’ll be the first to admit it, the calendar did a good job today, but as our therapist told me I shouldn’t make the calendar feel that the only way it can validate itself is through festive images, so we’re going ice skating later today; neither of us has been for a while so it’ll be a learning experience we can go through together ‘as a team’, and through helping each other learn we can validate ourselves that way. I just hope that when we get the bill for the therapy that we can handle that ‘as a team’ as well.

*he actually said John Menzies, but I don’t think that exists anymore and it makes me sad that I’m getting old. He also said ‘oh bloody hell’ instead of ‘oh well’, but as you know I abhor bad language so I changed it. Everyone edits their history one way or another.

Comments:

Lex - Whilst 95% of what you post makes you certifiable (no really, people are worried, there's a private event for an intervention and everything, I can't go myself but I hope you all have fun), for those of us who remember rent-a-ghost the idea of the cast singing the theme tune is perfectly legitimate (if you remember rent-a-ghost then you might want to bring that up at the intervention. You're welcome.)

Chris Gates - Oh! I love intervention me, I’ve had like six of them. Sometimes we have cake afterwards.

Advent Calendar Door 22: It’s mince pies!

Three of them, golden brown and glowing, a cord of pastry has been twitted elegantly ‘round each top, the centre of each has been marked with a little cross, and the corner of one of the mince pies has flaked off, revealing the sweet mince meat inside. Needless to say, I’m a bit of a fan of mince pies, though I have this far only had one this December which for me is a monumental act of will.

However, a brief bit of Googling tells me that there’s a superstition from the middle ages that if you eat a mince pie on every day from Christmas to Twelfth Night (evening of the 5th January) you will have happiness for the next 12 months. There’s another superstition which states that the happiness you receive the following year correlates directly with the number of mince pies you eat on Christmas Eve. No way to tell which superstition has it right, so the obvious thing to do would be to stuff my face with mince pies on Christmas Eve, then have one every day until the 5th of January, then log the results for science.

It’s a sign of how much I’ve otherwise slipped into the festive spirit of excess that I’m already sort of looking forward to January, where I might stand a fighting chance of being a bit healthier; everyone will be feeling the great Christmas hangover, and the statement ‘I’m not going to be drinking’ won’t be met with a clamour of disapproval and a goblet of something mulled being thrust into your hand. In the meantime though, IT’S FRIDAY NIGHT Y’AAAAAALLLLLL!!!

Advent Calendar Door 23: It’s a dove!

A dove, ladies and gentlemen: the symbol of peace on Christmas Eve Eve. Now, those new to the CGACC© night expect me to reject a dove out of hand, particularly one that is drawn so shoddily as this so that it looks like a fat white pigeon. It’s not carrying holly, it’s not wearing a Santa hat, there are no Christmassy paraphernalia to speak of, but we’ve had a dove every year for three years now and I’ve accepted it every time because, what with one thing and another going on in the world, I think the idea of Christmas being a time of peace is a very important one. I mean, as problematic as Christmas is on a global political level; the consumerist aspects, the decadence, the exclusionary Christian overtones and capitalist fuckery, there’s a humanitarian root to Christmas which makes all the other stuff slightly more bearable. It’s about taking stock of what you have and being grateful for it, which is so much easier for some of us with our comforts and unbroken families, but I guess Christmas for me is about the idea that everyone can be grateful for something.

That’s probably either very sentimental or very naive, and I’m sorry for the departure from the usual tone of the CGACC©, but if nothing else I think at some point it’s good to take a less cynical view of things.

Anyway, we’ll be back on track tomorrow I promise, and remember that today is all about showing solidarity for the lesbian community; remember, it’s Christmas Eve Eve, not Christmas Eve Steve.

Advent Calendar Door 24: IT’S FATHER CHRISTMAS!!

Was there ever any doubt? I mean, yes of course there was, it was a major fucking concern for a long time and we’ve all been on the edge of our collective seat since the Christmas tree appeared behind Door 5, but I’d just like to take a second to commend you all on your courage in the face of adversity and thank you for your encouragement and support during this difficult time. Overall this calendar has played a very strong game, I’d go so far as to say this is the best calendar I’ve had on the CGACC©, but emotionally it’s been a real rollercoaster; hearts have been broken, harsh words have been said and swans have been drawn, but hopefully, as with all life’s bitter-sweet traumas, I’ve come through the other side a stronger person. Hopefully we all have.

So it’s Father Christmas, you all know what he looks like yes? Red suit? White beard? Obesity issues? He’s holding aloft a single present in a manner reminiscent of Rafiki in The Lion King holding baby Simba, or perhaps Oliver Twist presenting his empty bowl in the eponymous* Charles Dickens story. It’s weird though, he has tiny little feet sticking out under the hem of his coat, feet which one feels would collapse under his frankly irresponsible weight. I can relate; I’m just getting packed now and will have to lug all my gear AND my festively engorged belly all the way to the train station and in all seriousness I’m worried that I shall perish in the attempt. If that happens then let it be said that I died how I lived; hungover and exhausted.

So here it is, finally, the great Christmas Eve exodus, when we depart these places where we have built, or started to build, our little lives, and battle with traffic or public transport until we reach our various versions of home, a place filled with the people we love where we can drop our bags, let out a long, weary sigh and proceed to abuse our livers and other digestive organs in a manner which is medically inadvisable.

And hey, whether you’re driving, hitchhiking, getting a coach or a train or a plane, I hope you have a good journey and that when you get where you’re going you can rest, relax and finally, with the rest of humanity, be less of a cunt for a few days.

*Confession: it will come as no surprise that I am horribly hungover, and I couldn’t think of the word ‘eponymous’ and tried to google ‘a thing being named with the name of another thing’. I am 33 years old.

Comments:

Lex - This was a JOY.

Phillipa - Have you packed the calendar ready for tomorrow? If not, RETURN HOME NOW

Chris Gates - Um, I hate to tell this, but it only has 24 doors. So, this is it for this year. There are support services you can call if this has come as a shock.

Phillipa - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO .........

Emmie - But is he REALLY the father? Find out tomorrow in the explosive CGACC Christmas special starring Shane Ritchie as Hark the herald angel and Ross Kemp as The Swan. (This doesn’t end here, Chris. It can’t. IT CAN’T)

Lex - I've already written the stage show. I'm casting you as the holly.

Chris Gates -

Lex - "Based on a Facebook rant by Chris Gates

Chris Gates - Better.

Emmie - “Any similarity to actual CGACCs, living or dead, is purely coincidental”

Roz - I have already bought tickets for next year. Thank you Advent Santa! x

Jonny G - Merry Xmas, Chris.

Kez - I can’t believe it’s over already. I have never enjoyed advent more than I have this year! Thank you for all the fun and festive nonsense. Until next year, Mr Gates! X

(Also I just realised this kinda makes you like Santa because you’ve completed your public service for the year and can now rest in peace for the next 11 months)

Andrew - Happy Christmas to us all. It's been real

Sarah D - I have loved this. Thank you for adding extra cheer - and a few expletives - to Christmas

#CGACC2017 Swan Songs

#CGACC2017
Swan Songs