#CGACC2018
C.S.I: Advent
So, just to paint a picture of where I was at in December of 2018:
I had been through a couple of pretty excruciating break ups, I'd had a difficult month with a show up at the Edinburgh Festival, I was temporarily living with my dad, which is always fun at 34, I was in therapy, which was great but also a lot of hard work, and also, you know, along with everyone else on the planet I was living through the ongoing global shit show (ED - in 2018, the shitshow in question was the 1st Trump Presidency, Brexit and the Conservative UK government, although this shitshow was augmented by further shitshows in later years) So, all I wanted at the end of a hard year, all I hoped for in the goodness of my heart, all that I DARED TO ASK FROM THE UNIVERSE was to have a nice, straightforward bit of fun with the CGACC©, to settle back into my groove and do what I do best, no mess, so stress.
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Enjoy the show, kids.
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NB: I have changed the name of the Artist here, because I'm not sure if they'd appreciate a name check in this context.
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My dearest humans, my family and friends, respected peers, beloved colleagues, concerned bystanders, secret admirers, romantic disasters, people I’ve met while pissed, and people who I met years ago and I can’t remember adding but every now and then you pop up on my newsfeed and I’m like ‘who’s THIS mf?’ and sometimes I can remember but there’s a good number of you who I simply don’t know who you are and it’s not personal or anything but can all you please, like, send me a CV or maybe just a paragraph or two detailing where we met and under what circumstances?
Comrades.
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The end of the year is nearly upon us.
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We live, dear comrades, in interesting times. The climate is changing, empires are collapsing, The Doctor is now a woman and yet rather than Dr Who becoming a beacon of feminism it feels like they might as well rename the show ‘Internalised Misogyny in Space’. Disappointment is rife, but do not despair, for it is known that in December, when the days grow dim and the weather turns cold, a special, magical man will take it upon himself to spread light and festive cheer wherever he goes, selflessly bringing untold joy to the world.
Me, you pricks, I’m talking about me.
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I am, of COURSE, referring to the Chris Gates Advent Calendar Campaign or, as it is affectionately known, the CGACC©*. Now, bit of admin: if you are a new friend, or if you have forgotten what this is, or if you have been so traumatized by previous CGACCs that you have repressed the very memory of them, then let me educate you/refresh your memory/cause a psychological break.
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See, there’s this thing called an advent calendar, and, for whatever reason, including perhaps a deep-seated need for attention and approval, it has become tradition for me to post up daily descriptions of the pictures behind my advent calendar doors. Yeah. I know. It’s a whole thing. I’ve been doing it for 7 years now, and while I’m certain sure that it has cost me a few friends along the way, it’s also developed a kind of cult following over the years and I really appreciate everyone who gets into the spirit of it, some of whom have been there from the very beginning.
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A fair warning though, if you think that this will in any way annoy you, or if at any point you feel your inner heckler start to get restless; firstly, my harshest critics often become my biggest fans, and secondly I WILL END YOU; so, while you are entitled to your opinion I encourage you not to be a cunt about it.
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In all seriousness though, this is something I enjoy doing, I do it for free (which is fine, no really it’s fine) and for some people it’s the only speck of brightness in their drab, wretched lives. And to those people I will say: thank you for making me look slightly less insane over the years; without your comments and likes, this is just me screaming into the void and there’s enough of that goes on already.
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Anyway, first door posted before 9 tomorrow. Holidays are coming, fuckbags x
*This year, because let it not be said that I’m afraid to move with the times, I will be using the hashtag #CGACC2018 so that if you fall behind because you are too busy or, indeed, too lazy, all the posts will be but a mouse click away. See? I do care.
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Comments:
Rob D - What’s the general gist of this then?
Chris Gates - Oh, you.
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Kez - “My harshest critics often become my biggest fans”
Exhibit A: Myself . I’m more excited about this than my own advent calendar.
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Chris Gates - Ha! Yes, I was thinking of you when I wrote that. Enjoy!
Jeremy - Are we 'making you look slightly less insane'? Are we, actually? I'm not sure.
Jonny G - I think I enjoy this more than fucking Christmas day!
Sim - This was the highlight of the winter for me last year
Lexi - I have zero expectations and all of the excitement
Ruben -Sounds tasty - offend me
Jack T - "CGACC" ~ Sasha Grey, probably.
Chris Gates - Ha! I don’t know which is worse, the fact you made this joke or the fact that I got it. Yes, she has definitely said this.
Andy H - Ooh...I think I have just wee'd a little bit.
Lonny - and I have a little weed, together nothing will stop us!
Chris Gates – Atta girl
Lonny - I used to love this but I'm a contrarian at heart and you have become too popular for my interest to make me seem interesting so I will from now on only enjoy this with the irony and cynicism befitting a very deep and interesting individual. Happy Saturnalia!
Chris Gates - Ha! “I was into the CGACC© before it was cool.”
Lonny - Exactly!
Chris Gates - Well, once the hipsters start leaving you know you’ve made it. What a time to be alive!
So here it is in all its glory. Charming isn’t it? On the packaging it is described as a ‘3D’ advent calendar, which some of you thought meant that one would need special glasses in order to enjoy it, which would of course have been awful. What they actually seem to be referring to is that this calendar itself has three dimensions which, honestly, I find to be a bit of a lame thing to use as a selling point, because on this plane of existence, everything, every goddamn thing, from the largest stars to the tiniest atoms, has at least three dimensions doesn’t it? So the marketing board for this calendar seem to have somewhat been grasping at straws here. They may as well have said ‘contains carbon’. I despair, I really do.
Advent Calendar Door 1: It’s a kingfisher!
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You know, the bird? The very Christmassy bird from all the most popular Christmas songs? I mean, there’s just so many, golly, let me see, there’s ‘God Rest Ye Merry Kingfishers’ and then ‘I’m Dreaming Of A White Kingfisher’ and then Paul McCartney’s ‘Simply Having a Wonderful Kingfish- NO OF FUCKING COURSE NOT!
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Oh my days, I can’t believe this is happening right out the gate. I know you grizzled old CGACC©* veterans will be sharing my rage, but for those just joining us, let me explain why this picture is such a travesty. An advent calendar picture MUST either be a Christmassy object/scene (like a Christmas tree or carollers singing) OR a Christmassy variant of a non Christmassy object/scene (like a traffic cone wrapped in holly or an orgy in Santa’s workshop). We call this the second law of advent calendar dynamics and it’s so so easy to understand and yet EVERY GODDAMN YEAR it gets broken, occasionally along with my heart and my dreams.
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This seriously takes the piss. Look, okay, here’s a list of 20 Christmassy birds I would have accepted:
1: A robin
2: A turkey
3: A goose
4: Swans (specifically seven and specifically a-swimming, otherwise no dice**)
5: Four (4) colly birds (yes, colly, look it up)
6: French hens, three (3)
7: A pair of turtle doves
8: A partridge in a pear tree
9:
10:
11:
12:
13:
14:
15:
16:
17:
18:
19:
20: NOT A FUCKING KINGFISHER.
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What’s worse is that I actually had to research what kind of bird this was, because between having never been a Boy Scout and, you know, generally having a sex life, I’ve never really taken time to get to grips with the various flora and fauna of our sceptred isle, so I had to actually fucking GOOGLE ‘red breast blue body long beak’ to double check that this was in fact some serious bullshit.
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Guys, this worries me even more than the two dead children behind door 1 from 2016. I mean, I don’t normally get this angry until about door 6, and this is door number ONE, which tends to set the tone for the rest of the calendar, and there are 23 more doors to go. I tell ya, I picked a hell of a time to quit drinking***
See you tomorrow I guess.
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*you’d think that after all these years I’d have set up some sort of macro which would allow me to type CGACC© at the touch of a button, but no, it’s by hand every time, and every time I have to google ‘copyright symbol’ and copy and paste it. The things we unnecessarily put ourselves through, eh?
**let us please not revisit Swangate of last year. The memory is still too painful.
***this is not actually a joke, so this year at least there should be no delays in CGACC© posts due to hangovers. You. Are. Welcome.
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Comments:
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Daniel L- Ahhh the 1st December, most definitely a popular date in my calendar. Very happy to see the return of CGACC I have been a closet fan for some time now Mr Gates. Fucking Kingfisher!!!! Honestly!
Laura B - The thing I took away from that tirade was the bit where you said you generally have a sex life. Caus lolz
Chris Gates - I mean, the word ‘generally’ is doing a lot of the heavy lifting in that statement.
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Laura B – Ah, Alternative facts
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Kate W - This bugged me so much I had to see if there was any link at all to Christmas and I found this .... is this acceptable under your advent calendar official rules?
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Chris Gates - Well, that’s certainly educational and I can’t pretend it was something I was aware of, I’d heard of the term ‘halcyon days’ but I didn’t actually know what it meant. But yeah, it seems to be more about December than about Christmas specifically, so while I appreciate the literary and historical significance, this remains a big old pile of bullpoop.
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Kez - SWANGATE
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Kez - I won’t be coy this year, Chris. I nearly piddled with excitement when I realised that the first instalment of the weirdest thing I follow had been posted.
Merry Christmas, ye merry Kingfisher xxx
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Lex - I can't tell you how glad I am
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Roz - WTF? Why not stick in a bird of paradise or a magpie or some other bullshit bird?!
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Lex - P.S. EVERY ONE I'm essentially campaigning for this to replace "thought for the day " on radio 4 . I think this should happen.
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John A - Where's the picture, with t shirt included? I won't be lied to Gates!
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Chris Gates - John, if you’re asking me for a picture of what’s behind my advent calendar door then you really haven’t been paying attention.
Advent Calendar Door 2: It’s a man walking his dog!
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What? I mean, WHAT? What kind of sick game is this calendar artist playing? A man walking his dog. A MAN walking his DOG? Explain to me how that’s got anything to do with Christmas. Please. Somebody. Anybody. It’s just totally inappropriate; it’s like when you see scampi and chips on the menu of an Indian restaurant and you think ‘who the hell is ordering THAT?’. Idiots, that’s who; people who haven’t been taught to RESPECT CONTEXT.
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I mean, okay, sure, it’s snowing in the picture and the man is dressed appropriately for the weather in a scarf and other winter clobber, so, you know, good for him, but scarfs and hats and snow, much like dogs, are NOT just for Christmas. This could literally be at any point during the winter and there’s nothing WHATSOEVER tying it to the festive season.
This is a fucking joke. And what really makes me angry is that this would have been SO easy to fix. Just stick a pair of felt antlers on the dog or give the man a Santa hat, or draw them walking past a Christmas tree or, I dunno, someone passed out in the street covered in vomit wearing a Christmas jumper; there were SO many options and the artist is just blithely doing their own thing.
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Have I been ripped off? Is that’s what’s happened here? I bought this calendar from t’internet, much like the calendar from 2016 which turned out to be made by Satan as you’ll all remember, so I knew I was taking a risk, but I mean COME ON, even the devil knew how to keep things season-appropriate, this right here is a whole other kind of evil.
Stay tuned folks, this might be the one that finally kills me.
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Comments:
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Emily B - Can you track down this ‘artist’? I mean, it’s obvs too late for this year, but at least they’ll have 2019 to get their shit together after reading your review(s)
Chris Gates - I've considered tracking down the artist before, and it wouldn't be difficult, but there's a strong chance I might get arrested.
Judey - It's to remind people that Christmas is just another day. Dogs still need to be walked. A dog walk is for life, not just to be avoided at Christmas
Chris Gates - If that’s the case then they should take an ad out in the paper, and not use up valuable advent calendar real estate.
Kez - This year is going to be a blinder, I can just feel it.
Rebecca - You've bought a right dud this year, haven't you? The good news is that the comedy value outweighs the shitness of the images within.
Rob D- Perhaps the first day had a kingfisher and today had a man walking a dog because ITS NOT YET CHRISTMAS!!! Perhaps things will get Christmassy as it gets closer. I’m hoping tomorrow will be a picture of someone cooking beans on toast.
Chris Gates - Rob, I'm afraid the 'it's not yet Christmas' defence doth butter no parsnips. Advent calendars WOULD NOT EXIST without Christmas. Look, let me put this in terms you'd understand. Say, for example, that you were going on a scuba diving holiday (for a fucking change) and there was a pictorial countdown SPECIFICALLY TAILORED for said holiday. In that pictorial countdown, you'd expect, perhaps, a picture of a wetsuit or some aqualungs, maybe even a passport or a packed suitcase. I put it to you that you'd be pretty bloody non-plussed if all of a sudden there was a pigeon or someone on a horse just because 'it's not yet time for your scuba holiday'. There are rules, Rob, there are clear and well defined rules, and they're there for a GODDAMNED REASON.
Sami - livid
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Chris Gates - THANK YOU
Advent Calendar Door 3: It’s a robin!
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Well, thank fuck for that. The artist has clearly done at least a little bit of research, the robin is certainly a Christmassy bird* and I’m delighted it’s made an appearance. I mean, there’s no particularly good reason WHY it’s a Christmassy bird; as we have discussed in previous years, there are a couple of stories surrounding our red-breasted friend which crowbar it into both the nativity and crucifixion myths, but the only thing that matters here is tradition, however fucking stupid that tradition might be.
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So it’s a robin, and it’s sitting on a fence, much like [insert name of politician here] is about [insert issue here], in the snow. A detail about these pictures I haven’t had time to mention so far, due to the incandescence of my rage, is that all the drawings seem to exist within the world depicted on the front of the advent calendar, i.e an undisclosed location in the British countryside. If you haven’t seen that then take a look at my cover photo and then come back. No, go on, I’ll wait.
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Done? Okay, well the kingfisher was perched on a branch with red berries exactly like those on the calendar which I couldn’t identify, but they’re not holly trees so fuck ‘em, the man was walking his dog down one of those country lanes and this robin is perched on a fence with a not-holly tree in the background. I think this is a very nice touch, but I also think that there’s something sinister going on in the main advent calendar picture (what I shall henceforth be calling The Front) and I can’t quite put my finger on what. But then I have been listening to a LOT of true crime podcasts recently, so maybe I’m just highly impressionable.
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There’s a lot to go into, but for now I’ll just say that I think it’s really quite unusual to see semi detached houses built like this out in the countryside. With all that space, it’s the real estate equivalent of a stranger sitting right next to you in an otherwise empty cinema. Also, why the ‘his ‘n hers’ pink and blue colour scheme? Were they given to a brother and sister, twins perhaps, once they were old enough to move out of their father’s house? Or was this once a fully detached house owned by a married couple, now divorced, who have home against biblical wisdom and divided the house against itself?
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Who knows, dear reader, but perhaps we shall all find out before long. Stay tuned for, when time allows, further Mysteries From The Front, sponsored by Blue Apron. Blue Apron, the life you want with the meals you deserve**
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*I mean, I could have said ‘like Mrs Claus’ here, but I think we all know I’m better than that. This is the CGACC© dammit, not Carry On Advent.
**this reference is possibly too niche, but fuck it this is my Facebook page.
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Comments:
Lex - Ok, I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking here, but this is clearly risky, playing the robin picture this early in the countdown. Also, if the Night Garden had an Upside Down, that picture might be it.
Chris Gates - Is everyone else thinking that though? IS they?
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Lex - Look, I can't help but feel, as many others do, that this is off to a rocky start. A robin at this early stage doesn't fill me with confidence.
Tamsin - I have to say it but this style of advent calendar is the kind of 1950's style England that the pro Brexiters are wanting to return to. Next year let's have an advent calendar with poor starving kids with rickets or something, far more realistic... with or without added robins
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Chris Gates - It does sort of scream ‘middle england’ doesn’t it?
Tamsin - This would make a great one!
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Chris Gates - I mean, I think you may have swung a TEENSY bit to far the other way, but I get where you’re coming from.
Tamsin - oh, I thought I had a great Christmas seller... (swung, love the pun...)
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Chris Gates - Ha! No, I can see it now. This is ideal.
Advent Calendar Door 4: Guys, it’s a fucking rabbit.....
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*suddenly gets up from desk, goes to the window and stares moodily out into the cold December morning before returning, resolved, to the keyboard*
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Okay, look. Real talk. At this point I’m fairly certain that this calendar is going to be at least 80% non Christmassy woodland animals. I dunno, maybe this calendar was made by Bill Oddie or something. The upshot is that I’m kind of hoisted by my own petard here, because by the rules of the CGACC©, MY rules, random animals are not acceptable. But this is going to get very old very quickly if every day I’m just like ‘harrumph, why is it a vole? There were no voles at the nativity ra ra ra’, although I do like the idea of starting a post with a ‘harrumph’.
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As a species, we’re reaching a crossroads, so why should it be any different for the CGACC©? Folks, we live in a time of change, and look what mindlessly sticking to tradition and being governed by nostalgia has done to the world so far. With this current calendar, the CGACC© will have no choice but to adapt and grow, or I can try to relive past glories and go out and get a different, more traditional, advent calendar.
The choice, in short, is whether I should Remain with the current calendar or Leave to seek another deal and, given one thing and another, I’m pretty sure I know which one’s going to work out better.
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Besides, people DO fuck like rabbits over Christmas so in that sense it’s very appropriate. You do know that, right? You can look this up, there is generally a spike in the birth rate in mid to late September resulting from people in December being filled with, among other things, festive cheer. So, do bear that in mind at the office party this year. Dave from HR and Janet from accounts may seem quite appealing after your third cup of mulled wine, but unless you keep things immaculate there may well be a conception.
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Comments:
Sami - Remain. We love woodland animals all year round. Adapt and survive. December mornings are great with CGACC©. Long Live CG and ACC's.
Jonny G - Leave! What has this calendar ever done for us? You need to take back control.
Rebecca - Leaving would be unprecedented. You could cause anarchy. Stay with what you know and learn from this mistake.
Annie B - Remain you bastard!
Quartz - Remain but keep getting angry? Your frustration makes it what it is
Mill - Remain! You might never be able to secure a different advent calendar that's really best for the people of Great Britain.(Also I'm pretty sure bunnies are for Easter so at least they're associated with some sort of religious holiday even if not this one?)
Jonny G - Nonsense - better no calendar than a bad calendar - let's crash out on Dec 10th.
Lex - At this point we, the people, feel cheated. We were promised a calendar with Christmassy stuff and the inane rantings of a man trying to recapture the simple joy of the traditional advent calendar. He even posed with a calendar covered in snow assuring us that the research was done and that this was the best choice. Can the gentleman promise us actually promise us a real calendar should we vote leave or will we be left with NO CALENDAR at all. This is why we are sick of listening to experts
Mill - If it helps I could send you photos of my ones and you could use those instead? So far, pretty Christmassy.
Jules - Stick with it! Especially if it means excess use of Harrumph and phrases such as 'hoisted by my own petard!'
Emily B - Let’s follow the Swiss model....chocolate
Chris Gates -You be careful
Advent Calendar Door 5: It’s a full moon!
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You know what I love about Christmas? Hunting Werewolves. At the risk of sounding old fashioned, and maybe this will get me in trouble with the ‘PC Brigade’, but to me, nothing says ‘Christmas’ quite like the sound of a silver bullet ripping a werewolf skull in half. And then back home for mince pies in front of a roaring fire, where we start sharpening stakes in time for Boxing Day.
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I’m joking of course, as any schoolboy knows we aren’t due another full moon on Christmas Day until 2034 (the last one being 2015), and so werewolf hunts are more commonly undertaken earlier in the month, which is good because really, any activity more strenuous than, say, trivial pursuit, should not be entered into after Christmas Dinner.
This is a full moon in the snow, or rather a full moon seen THROUGH the snow (there being no weather in space) and beneath it there are trees coated in white, glistening in the dark. I mean, there IS something inherently Christmassy about snow, even though most of us have never actually seen snow on Christmas Day. Or, at least, there USED to be something Christmassy about snow; in this country at least snow has become more about the inconvenience of driving in it because we are, in the nicest possible way, little bitches.
Oh, and RE yesterday’s post, I see I caused a bit of confusion which I’d now like to clear up: This is not a voting situation, I'm fucking TELLING you what's going to happen. If you think that I'm ditching this calendar then make sure you have plenty of extra room in your think tank because there's more think yet to be put into it. There are, if you will, additional units of think which you're going to have to take into account in addition to the original think you had. You are NOWHERE NEAR done in terms of thinking, is the general thrust of my point.
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This is not a democracy, this is the CGACC©, so unless you are CG you can kiss my ACC
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Comments:
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Mill - Please could you publish the full legal advice you've received regarding any plans to leave the CGACC?
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Chris Gates - Um, yeah, about that...*runs away*
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Mill - If you try to push this through, I will have to force a motion of contempt of the CGACC...
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Chris Gates - I already hold you in contempt.
Rob - U ok Hun?
Andy H - Ooh, #CGACC2018 is warming up!
Kez - The rantier The Colonel of Christmas gets, the more festive I feel. I can smell my vegan roast already...
Chris Gates - Vegan roast? Is that what you’re calling it these days?
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Kez - Ps - this calendar is utter shite. Bring back the pink mittens of 2017.
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Chris Gates - Literally no idea what you’re referring to, but okay.
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Kez - THE MITTENS. THE ONES YOU RANTED ABOUT BECAUSE THEY WEREN’T CHRISTMAS COLOURED.
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Chris Gates - I mean, I get that you THINK there were a pair of pink mittens, but i’m fairly sure you’re mistaken. Besides, I don’t rant, I pontificate.
Advent Calendar Door 6: It’s an owl!
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Yep. That’s right. A fucking owl. Look, we all knew something like this would happen, so let’s just try and move on shall we? If it’s any consolation it does appear to be a snowy owl, but of course that’s no consolation, whatever kind of owl it is it’s still just an owl, it’s not like there’s a-hang on...
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In the midst of writing that last sentence (which was going to be something like ‘it’s not like there’s a ‘Santa Owl’ or an ‘Eating Celebrations For Breakfast Owl’) I broke off to google ‘Christmas Owl’ because let it not be said that in don’t take my job seriously, and I found an article with the following genuine quote:
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‘...no matter which of the Christmas origins you delve into, there's no mention of an owl...despite its lack of cited seasonal relevance, chrowls (or Christmas owls) are becoming the dominant species in the world of winter festivals.’
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Now, leaving aside the fact that I now need to find and marry whoever wrote this article, their claim that the Chrowl (Christmas Owl) is ‘hijacking Christmas’ is an interesting one. Not least because it calls to mind a band of mafia owls (or Mowls), in little owl suits, trying to squeeze out the competition Godfather style. So be on the lookout folks, there’s a whole war going on which we know nothing about, and if you pick the wrong side you may end up with a mouse head in your bed.
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Comments:
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Lex -I'm devastated that i was unaware of the Chrowl until now. Everything is clear now. They are indeed christmas pictures. From the Chringfisher to the Chrabbit. Everything is different now.
Advent Calendar Day 7: It’s a fox in the snow*!
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Woah there pickle! Hang on! Hold the phone! Take a break! Hello Magazine! National Enquirer! You can NOT start including foxes in the Christmas menagerie. Are you HIGH, advent calendar? Think about this for one goddamn second: a FOX hanging out with turkeys and geese and a specific number of swans doing a specific activity? If you think that that’s going to end in anything other than a bloodbath then, well, prepare to have that think replaced with a different and more accurate one. Honestly, some people (and indeed some advent calendars) have ZERO common sense.
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Also, something I’m quickly learning is that if you google Christmas+any animal you will get said animal in a Santa hat, even zebras and Komodo dragons, though not, for whatever reason, the British, 90s stand up comedian animal of choice, the vole. So yes, you CAN get a Christmas fox, or ‘Chrox’ which is great, terrific in fact, hooray for foxes, well done to our red pointy eared friends for whom Christmas is still a pretty dangerous time of year with posh twats in red coats ‘accidentally’ hunting them on Boxing Day. Sorry, googling about foxes and Christmas sort of sent me down a bit of a rabbit hole there, if you’ll pardon the confusing metaphor.
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But this calendar IS in fox hunting territory, which you can see if you go to The Front. Go look at it now, there’s something I want to ask. Did you look? You do actually need to look. This next bit won’t make sense if you don’t look. LOOK AT IT YOU BASTARD.
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Good. Thank you. So here’s my question: where’s the car? You’d expect there to be a car, right? Almost certainly some kind of 4x4, and if you’re about to suggest that they don’t have a car for environmental reasons then I’m sorry but look where they’re living; they’re obviously right wing so are in denial about climate change and therefore they definitely have some kind of gas guzzling behemoth. But where is it?
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If you look to the skyline in the picture, you’ll see that the sky is pale yellow, indicating either sunrise or sunset, and I’d say sunrise given the fact that the animals are only just now starting to stir. Look at the tracks, they’ve only just started appearing. This is fresh snow which has fallen over night, and so the car must have been driven away before it started snowing because otherwise we’d see the outline. Right? With me so far?
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In other words, the car, indeed, CARS, because there would be two because each house would have one, have been gone all night.
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WHY?
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I have no idea, obviously, but stay tuned for more wild speculation in further Mysteries From The Front, sponsored by Me Undies.
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*Fox In The Snow is also the name of a song from the album If You’re Feeling Sinister by Belle and Sebastian, and I just wanted to use this footnote to give it a shout out. Okay, back up you go.
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Comments
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Jonny G - Gone away for Christmas. Which is why they have all these animals in the garden?
Chris Gates But Jonny, there’s smoke coming out of both chimneys. But I’m coming to that, there’s a whole narrative arc here.
Mill - Have you considered that The Front may be set in the past pre-cars...?
Chris - If it weren’t for the obvious tyre tracks in the snow I might agree. And no, I don’t think you’d get similar tracks from a horse drawn cart, otherwise the path would be a big muddy mess, not two thick tracks with a clean white strip down the middle. Plus, the style of architecture is far too modern for pre-car era Britain. Look how smooth the walls are, where are the wooden beams? These houses are 50 years old tops, or at least they’ve been done up/converted in the last 50 years. No, there are conspicuously absent cars in the picture, my dear Millford.
Jonnny G - CSI: Advent.
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Lex - Chrox
Advent Calendar Door 8: It’s two children on a toboggan!
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AND THEY’RE ALIVE! That might seem like strange detail to focus on, but not if you’ve been paying attention. RIP The two dead children on a toboggan from 2016. Glad to see we’re back on track with a more traditional advent calendar picture.
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‘But Chris,’ I hear you ask, ‘why is this an acceptable picture? This is just a general winter activity.’
To which I say ‘Ah, but the Christmassy element here is not the tobogganing, it’s the joy of children.’
‘But Chris,’ you reply, with more of your fucking attitude, ‘children can feel joy all year round! Not just on Christmas.’
To which I say ‘That’s not how I remember it.’
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And you don’t know how to respond to that so we spend the rest of the car journey in silence (we were driving to Ikea this whole time sorry I should have mentioned).
I’m joking of course, but also these children are dressed respectively in red and green which underpins the Christmassy vibe, and also the dog from door 2 is there, running along side them to add to the sense of motion and horning in on the legitimacy of this picture which was so lacking in his own. A merry festive scene I’m sure you’ll agree and a welcome respite from all the woodland creatures; this calendar has been nothing short of an ordeal, more so than the demonic artefact of 2016 or the tragically failed romance of last year. People ask me if I still see that calendar, if we ever meet for coffee or if maybe I’ve ever been tempted to invite it over for “coffee*” but no we haven’t and no I never have. For one thing, what’s in the past is in the past but for another, you know, it’s probably been recycled in toilet paper by now. C’est la vie.
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*sex
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Comments:
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Kez - I couldn’t be happier for you, and for us. This is wonderful news to wake up to!
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Nina- Just so you know, Quartz references CGACC in bed last night. It’s taken over.
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Chris Gates - Well. Glad I could be of service I guess
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Nina - Well...she was criticising my Christmas sheets because the wreath featured a blood orange and cinnamon sticks
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Chris Gates - What’s her beef with that?
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Nina - Yeah Quartz, what IS your beef with that?!
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Quartz - Well, my main beef is you failing to mention the ONIONS
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Chris Gates - Beef does go with onions, Nina.
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Nina - Okay...the wreath had some baubles that Issy felt were onions. They were not onions.
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Chris Gates - Hey, remember when I said I wondered what women get up to in bed together? Suddenly I don’t care.
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Nina - It’s really weird because it’s...erm...almost like we have fun and don’t consider what dudes want us to be doing
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Quartz - We just knit.
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Lex - Honestly, for a while there, I was beginning to think that nostalgia had tinted my memories of CGACC (c) 2017. The Chrowl may well have been a turning point this year and I'm starting to feel genuine affection for described pictures on a piece of cardboard again.
Also, this has cleared up the confusion about that time a bloke on Tindr wanted to meet in a coffee shop
Advent Calendar Door 9: It’s a....it’s a swan.
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I...
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Okay. Give me a second here.
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[black and white montage of me with suitably sad song playing over it, let’s say ‘Hello’ by Adele. I walk through the rain on a nameless high street, no umbrella or hood, water streams down my face as a I look in through a bright restaurant window at a man and an advent calendar sitting in the window, the man smiles as he ‘feeds’ some of his pasta to the advent calendar, but all he’s doing is smearing pasta sauce on a bit of cardboard, I look on and you can’t tell whether my face is wet from the rain or if I’m crying.
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Cut to me sitting on Santa’s lap in a shopping centre, a line of restless and confused parents and children are waiting, I’m explaining something passionately and angrily to a completely bewildered Santa who’s looking around as if for help. Eventually I am forcibly removed by security, they carry me away kicking and screaming, this bit is in slow motion.
Quick cut to me sitting in a cafe with my head in my hands, advent calendars sitting at every other table, the barista looking on, confused.
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Cut to me, alone on a park bench, in a woolly hat and gloves, dejectedly feeding the ducks. Suddenly a swan runs at me, flapping its wings at me and hissing. Panicked, I frantically clamber over the back of the bench and run, the swan chases me out of frame. After a few beats I run back into frame, still being chased by the swan, before disappearing out the other side. A few beats more and the swan comes back into frame carrying my woolly hat in its beak.
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‘Hello’ fades out.
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Cut to me sitting alone in a cafe covered in swan feathers, the barista warily puts a coffee at my elbow, I cover my face and it looks as if I’m crying, but when I take my hands away I’m actually laughing. Blackout. Credits roll to ‘Spanish Flea’ by Herp Alpert]
Meh, I’m over it.
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Comments:
Andy H - This is a great treatment. Let's make it!
Lex - CGAAC18 THE MOVIE
Tamsin - Lex, can we start a crowd fund site for this?
Kez - I read the word swan and had to take a moment before I continued.
Advent Calendar Door 10: It’s a church!
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But guys, this is the bleakest church I’ve ever seen. It looks like someone just poured concrete into a church mould. It’s the kind of church that Charles Dickens might describe as a commentary on the grubbiness of British Protestantism. It’s the kind of church that, if it were to be the establishing shot in a film, it would be silhouetted against a red sky and accompanied by the ominous toll of a heavy bell, before cutting to an interior shot of a nun crying because the rest of the village had died of cholera. You know, that kind of church.
In short, and I don’t know if you’ve picked up on this, I don’t think it’s a very Christmassy church.
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You know, a lot of people ask me ‘Chris, how do you pick your advent calendar and why are you so goddamn handsome?’ Well, as to the latter it’s not really my place to agree or disagree, but thank you for the compliment; we’re all just playing the hand we’re dealt.
But as to how I choose my advent calendar, well, I have two main rules. First, I don’t buy chocolate advent calendars because I am not a tiny child. Seriously, chocolate calendars are awful, you’d be better off getting a normal calendar and an accompanying packet of minstrels, then you wouldn't have to put up with substandard or melted chocolate, obscured pictures and also the fucking RIGMAROLE of pushing a stubborn chocolate out of a door without bothering the surrounding doors. Honestly, it’s a total hassle marketed as a treat.
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Secondly, I don’t like to buy religious ones, because all the pictures would probably be Christmassy, there certainly wouldn’t be the swans and shoes and other crap that has made the CGACC© what it is you over the years. But also I wouldn’t want to look like I was taking any cheap shots at religion, which is just a bit done.
But anyway, yeah, this church can fuck off.
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Advent Calendar Door 11: It’s another fucking bird!
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A blackbird at a guess and, given that it’s black and it’s a bird, I don’t think that’s an unreasonable guess to make. Whoever was on naming duty the day they came up with ‘blackbird’ was really phoning it in weren’t they? Or maybe it was just one of the first ones they named, having started the job without doing proper research and blithely confident that the ‘colour of bird+bird’ naming system would be sufficient for the whole species. They did the blackbird, and probably the bluebird, on day one, having started late in the day, losing the light too soon to continue with the others, but when the sun came up on day two, and just as they were halfway through saying ‘whitebird’ and thus robbing the world of the hilariously named cockatoo, they were presented with crows and ravens and cormorants and they had to think of a new way to go about their work. I have a similar theory about the blue whale, but there’s no time for that right now. Blackbird is a shit name for a bird, is my general point here.
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It’s got one of those red berries in its beak from the unidentifiable red berry bearing trees from The Front, and if you go to my cover picture maybe you can tell me what they are. No seriously, go look. And while you’re there, take another look at these houses, the pink and blue, cheek by jowl, semi-detached houses built all the way out in the countryside. Last time on Mysteries From The Front I invited you to consider where the cars were, for surely there must be at least one. You may have wondered why I brought this to your attention, to be fair you may have been wondering why I’m doing any of this. You may be thinking: Seriously, what does he get out of this? He clearly gone through a lot of effort with the profile picture, he made a t-shirt and everything, and by the time he’s done these posts must add up to a hefty word count and he’s been doing this for 8 YEARS. What’s his end game? Surely he can’t think he’s going to publish these? And it’s not like anybody’s ever going to pay him for it, surely he could put his energy into something more productive?
Well, you’re entitled to your opinion, but let’s get back to the business at hand. So there are no cars and, going by the snow, they’ve been gone all night. But notice, dear reader, that both chimneys have smoke coming out of them. So, surely somebody must be home, but, and here’s where it starts to get interesting, there are no lights on. In either of the houses. We can see 10 windows and none of them have lights on, in fact they’re all dark as if the curtains are drawn or they’ve been blacked out. Clearly there’s something sinister afoot here, BUT WHAT?
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Maybe we’ll find out on the next instalment of Mysteries From The Front.
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Comments:
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Roz - This is the advent calendar version of The Birds. If the occupants of the houses aren’t behind door 24, pecked to death by hundreds of non-festive birds, you can call me a liar.
Chirs Gates - Yes Roz! Theories! I knew I could count on you to get involved.
Jonny G - Quite often when we leave our houseboat the fire is alight. They might be in the pub. People in the countryside love to drink and drive.
Chris Gates - Yeah, but we’re talking first thing in the morning, the sun is just about to come up. I guess they could STILL be at the pub in a festive lock in.
Lex- So, a blackbird used to be known as a collie bird, or "calling bird" some years later as featured in that old favourite "The 12 days of Christmas". This I know. But it's singular presence, as well as that of the Chrwan has left me wondering what has happened to all their mates. Perhaps they ate of the red berries and found them to be deadly? Maybe the Chrox had them? This calendar is pretty bleak. I like it.
Lex -I just want to add that I spent a whole cigarette looking at this bastard thing for "clues" re the cars and all that's happened is that I want to know about the footprints seemingly leading to the shed. It looks like a person from each house has walked to it. I'm thinking suicide pact. I really need to do some work. Fucking hell.
Chris Gates - Yes, top marks! The footprints are what it’s all about, they were my first clue that some dark shit was going down and that’s what I’m building up to. Well spotted, eagle eye.
Lex - Oh well, I didn't want to spoil it for anyone. This just goes to show the lengths that I will go to to avoid doing anything productive. Happy fucking Christmas
Rob D - Are the berries on a Bush with leaves or without? If it’s with it’s most likely holly but you’d no that. I’m guessing it’s without leaves and therefore rowan or ‘mountain ash’
Quartz - Maybe it's set during the blackout in WWII?
Chris Gates - Black out curtains aren’t particularly useful in the day time.
Quartz - No but they could have been kept up out of habit. And would explain the no cars
Jonny G -I have a feeling that door 24 will be a double-barreled shotgun. Maybe this is a farmers version of the advent calendar?
Chris Gates - Entirely possible
Advent Calendar Door 12: It’s a pheasant!
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Well, I didn’t include pheasant in my list of acceptable Christmas birds, but I suppose if you’re posh then pheasants are Christmassy; I googled ‘Christmas pheasant’, as has become my habit with the animals in this calendar in order to try and claw back some shred of dignity, and I got hungry from looking at all the recipes so I’m happy to let pheasants into the Christmas menagerie. It’s the least I can do considering how delicious they look.
‘Ah but surely,’ you interrupt, and I let out an exasperated sigh, rolling my eyes towards the ceiling as if praying for patience, before curtly gesturing at you to proceed with a piece of chalk I’m holding*, ‘if you’re going to start accepting animals based on whether they can be eaten at Christmas, surely you must also include pigs and cows, to name but a few?’
To which I reply, ‘No, not at all,’ and I take a moment to clean my spectacles on my cardigan before replacing them on my nose and peering at you over the rims, ‘it’s really quite simple: we say ‘Christmas Turkey, Christmas Goose and Christmas Pheasant’, we do not say ‘Christmas beef or Christmas pork. Quod erat demonstrandum.’
‘What about Christmas ham?’ You say.
I pause, flustered, ‘I think that’s quite enough for one day.’ And then we cut to you in the library, conspicuously reading Keats in an attempt to seem sophisticated.
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But yes, I’m certainly happier to accept pheasant that I am to accept, say, swan [bites own fist in fit if suppressed rage].
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*basically, the scenario I’m imagining here is that I’m a professor at Oxford or Cambridge and you’re my precious student, lower in class and rough around the edges, but with a kind of earthy intelligence which means I tolerate you. We’re in my study and I’m explaining all this to you using my blackboard over tea and crumpets. I’m the reason you got into university, because I knew and loved your mother in my youth, she died years ago when you were very very young and you barely remember her but I do, and maybe you remind me of her. But you don’t know that about me yet, this is only the first act where I seem to be questioning my decision to let you in and my condescending attitude provokes you into challenging behaviour. You’re also hopelessly in love with the librarian who doesn’t seem to know you exist, but that’s very much a B story.
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Comments:
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Jonny G - Sort of like the Granada TV remake of Good Will Hunting?
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Chris Gates - More Pygmalion, but yes.
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Miles - Hands down the best use of an "*" I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing.
Lex - People hunt pheasants. They shoot them with guns. Guns. That's all I'm saying. *whispers* the guns are in the sheeeeeeed
Andy H - I've just noticed, not only are there footsteps heading towards the shed, they are also leading away from the shed towards door 15. What will be behind door 15? I am genuinely scared.
Isaac - Please write the tale of you and the student and the library. Perhaps a working title such as 'a turn of the page' or 'chalk and chastity'
Advent Calendar Door 13: It’s a row boat.
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Okay.
Okay.
Alright.
This is fine.
[deep breath]
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WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!? I mean...it’s like...there’s a....WHAT? What is this? What ACTUALLY is this? A boat. A little row boat in a stream. What, exactly has that got to do with anything? Not just Christmas, not just advent, but literally ANYTHING about what’s meant to be going on here? What IS this, other than just another fucking thing the artist saw once? As far as I can work out that’s been his only criteria so far, all the things he has ever seen have an equal opportunity to be showcased in this calendar, and we’re just lucky that by sheer fucking COINCIDENCE he has not thus far included a picture of his balls.
Why do I bother? No really, what is the actual point? I’ve been turning all my cheeks to the wall this year in an effort to be more mature because I have GROWN dammit, mentally and emotionally I am BURGEONING as I settle in to my mid 30s, but come the fuck on, a BOAT? There are limits to any man’s endurance, and here we are, over half way, and there’s been nothing, no holly, no Father Christmas, no stockings hung with care. Where, I ask you, is the magic? WHERE?
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Incidentally, going by previous CGACC© posts that pop up on my ‘On This Day’ thing, this is the first time that I’ve not been hungover on December 13th in 5 years. I don’t know what’s been so reliably banging about December 12th in the past, but there were times when I wouldn’t post until the afternoon because that’s when existence stopped hurting, so first of all you’re welcome, and second of all, I’m SO glad that I’m up early this year for this bullshit. Fuckin’ yay.
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Comments:
Miles - Looking forward to seeing the artist's interpretation of his own balls.
Rob D - I remember the late postings due to a hangover. Looks like it’s not just the advent calendar breaking with tradition. Although if there was an advent calendar that will break you and drive you to drink this is it.
Chris Gates - It’s certainly not making it easier.
Lex - Chroa...Oh forget it.
Advent Calendar Door 14: It’s a Christmas wreath on a door!
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Well halle-fucking-lujah! I literally sighed with relief when I opened this door, the door of the calendar I mean not the one in the picture, I don’t have that power. At long last the artist seems to have remembered how to do their job. Now, first of all, a correction: I just checked the back of the calendar and the artist’s name is Jo Grady , which is a lady name, so the chances of them having balls (as I implied yesterday) has decreased slightly, though obviously for any number of reasons they may still have balls. But also they may not. It’s not important, what’s important is that there’s no less danger of some balls appearing at some point anyway.
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But this drawing, though more in keeping with conventional festive moorings, is shit. The other pictures, an affront to all things Christmassy though they might be, were at least drawn with some degree of skill, but this is clearly a rushed job. What I think’s happened here is that the artist, Jo, Ms Grady , had originally drawn woodland creatures for every door, and, her task thus complete, was compiling her pictures in a folder to take to the publisher, and then maybe a friend came round one day and was like ‘Hey, Jo’ (at which point they both broke off to sing “where you goin’ with that gun in your hand?” as always happened when her friend accidentally said ‘Hey Jo’) ‘what are all these pictures for?’
‘Oh,’ said Jo, ‘just this advent calendar thing I’m doing, la-di-dah*’
‘These are great,’ said her friend, ‘but aren’t you going to do a few Christmassy ones too?’
‘What do you mean?’ Said Jo, an defensive edge to her voice.
‘It’s just,’ started her friend, but then thought better of it and continued, ‘you know what? Never mind, I don’t know what I’m talking about, these are great.’ And then they went out for coffee at the new place on Grove Street.
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Jo, however, kept thinking about what her friend had said, and when she got back home she did some research and saw all the holly and wreathes and candles and such and went into a spiral of panic and self-damning because what if Steve (her ex) had been right all along and she was just a pretentious idiot? So she dashed off a few Christmassy pictures overnight and stuffed them in with the others.
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Huh. I feel bad now. We’re all fallible, guys, it’s important to remember that.
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*Her saying ‘la-di-dah’ isn’t an in joke in the same way the ‘Hey Jo’ thing is, her friend recognises it as a self-deprecatory tick that Jo exhibits when discussing her artistic endeavours. A boyfriend Jo had in her 20s, an overbearing and buttoned down gentleman who now works as a stock broker in London, used to tease Jo about her ambition to be an artist, saying that it was pretentious and fey. He said she was like Annie Hall, and whenever she spoke of getting any sort of creative work he would say ‘well, la-di-dah, Annie’ (la-di-dah being something that Annie Hall says in Woody Allen’s film of the same name). They dated unhappily for over a year and very nearly moved in with each other, but he cheated on Jo with a dental hygienist and it all ended very messily. Years later, and still single, Jo is still recovering.
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Comments:
Isaac - There's a whole narrative this year! I can't believe there's only ten episodes left and then we have to wait a whole damn year for the next season!
Mill - Point of interest - Jo could also be a gentleman name. Admittedly it’s more commonly spelled with an ‘e’ on the end, but not always. And if it’s a pretentious artist, well, who knows?!
Advent Calendar Door 15: It’s a horse!
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Well, la-di-dah. I don’t know whether this is coming across or not, but I’m getting rather sick of seeing animals. And not only behind these doors, it’s deeper than that now; I feel like after this calendar’s done, seeing another animal will bring about something akin to a Vietnam flashback. What you might call CGACCPTSD©
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But yeah, it’s horses, frolicking in the snow, eating hay, generally having a whale of a time. Oh how I hate them. This could so easily have been reindeer or a little donkey or something, OR, have horses if you must, just dress em up all Christmassy like, because you just know that there is an entire fucking RANGE of Christmas clothes for horses. And if you don’t believe me, first of all how dare you, but also just google ‘christmas horse’. There are some bored, bored human beings out there.
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There was one picture I found as I was scrolling that really freaked me out, thought for a second it was a dead horse, but no, it was a news story about a horse psychologist who ‘convinced’ a horse to come in doors and curl up under her Christmas tree as if t’were a dog, and since I’m feeling a little sleepy this morning* I’ll just leave you with that.
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*I don’t mean to brag, but I got in at 2 this morning because I was at a wild house party in Brighton last, drinking cranberry juice and eating olives like an absolute demon, followed by running for the last train back to Eastbourne which, for reasons best known to the people in charge of Southern Rail, included a change at Lewes where I waited AN HOUR for another train the rest of the way. These are the years we’re always gonna remember folks, you’ve gotta go for gold.
BBC NEWS | UK | England | Devon | Horse sleeps under Christmas tree
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Comments:
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Lex - I feel like I'm learning so much this year. Seriously, I think you might be takin us on a journey of enlightenment.
Advent Calendar Door 18: It’s a deer!
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I mean, come the fuck on though, why wouldn’t you draw a reindeer here? Like, even if you had set out to draw a deer, surely at some point as you were sketching the word ‘reindeer’ would pop into your head by simple word association. But no, this artist, Ms Grady , has stuck to her guns, drawing only the animals she saw growing up on a farm in West Berkshire. This isn’t a detail I’ve made up incidentally, it’s just a true fact about the artist I found out. And hey, before you start worrying, it’s information I got from her professional website and, as I always like to say ‘it’s not stalking if the information is publicly available’.
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No it isn’t.
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Speaking of things that are creepy, we haven’t talked about The Front for a while, and if you haven’t already studied it in detail; first of all, what’s wrong with you? And second of all, there’s one last element I’d like to draw your attention to, and this is very much the smoking gun of the whole scene: the footprints. Now, a few eagle eyed observers have spotted this worrying detail already, but if you haven’t then look to the shed in the garden of the blue house.
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You’ll notice that there are footprints leading to and leading away from the shed. Now, my own personal opinion is that the footprints are leading towards the shed from the hedge that divides the gardens, suggesting that someone has crept along the hedge on the other side before jumping over. They have then leapt into the tree between the hedge and the shed, where they have stayed for an unknown length of time, before jumping down on the other side, going inside the shed, coming back out, and then have crept down towards the bushes they separate the garden from the road. Where they go from there we can’t see, but one can imagine that they creep towards the back door of the blue house. That’s the way I see it, but I am open to all opinions at this stage. But one thing I think we can all agree on, given all the evidence I have thus far laid out, is that there is something sinister occurring in this seemingly idyllic winter scene.
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Will we get to the bottom of it? Find out in what promises to be the concluding chapter of Mysteries From The Front
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Matt G - Oh the rising of the Sun
And the running of the deer
But on the whole, this calendar has been one faux pas after another.
The artist aught to be ashamed of themselves!
Advent Calendar Door 19: IT’S A FUCKING CHRISTMAS TREE!!!!
OH MY GOD IT’S BEAUTIFUL THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED AAAAAHHHHHHHH!
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[deep breath]
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This is delightful. It’s late evening in the picture; the sky is a deep shade of midnight blue and there’s dusty snow on the ground, caught in the light of an unseen moon. The tree itself looks to be about 12 feet tall, slender and aglow with glimmering white lights, speckled with baubles, blue and dusky dark. At the Christmas tree’s peak is a five pointed star; coloured white and brighter than any nightstar though not glowing; just a solid pale shape set against the darkening sky.
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Well. Joy to the world, fa la la la la, and ding dong merrily on high, this is incredible. I’m not gonna lie, it’s been a rough month here at CGACC Towers. You may not have picked up on this, but I’ve been mildly disappointed with the pictures we’ve seen so far; I’ve tried not to let that affect my work but I’ve been worried that my disappointment might have subtly bled through. However, this picture is clearly the best one we’ve had so let’s take a minute to be grateful shall we? God bless us, every one.
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Comments:
Andy H Hmm...the artist has now lost my respect. Thus far I have admired her determination to stick to her original artistic vision of producing pictures of non-Christmas woodland creatures. A reminder that, through this man-made celebration time, true nature continues. Ultimately, she has provided a useful reminder of the inevitable process of nature, life and, ultimately, our own mortality. Now she has caved in to the obvious pressure put on her by late capitalism and drawn a Christmas tree. She can only redeem herself now in picture 24 with a picture of roadkill or the obvious suicide pact that has taken place in the shed.
Advent Calendar Door 20: It’s some houses in the snow!
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”Subject: Advent Calendar
Dear Jo,
Season’s greetings! I hope you are well and that business is good.
I’m writing to you because for the last few weeks I have been counting down the days to Christmas using the advent calendar you designed, the one with the ‘Midwinter Mornings’ design on the front, and while I have largely enjoyed the quality of the pictures behind the doors I am somewhat puzzled as to their content. I have what you might call a fascination with traditional advent calendars, even as a kid I didn’t care for the ones with chocolate in them, and they are a big part of what makes Christmas Christmas for me. What I’m saying is that I’ve probably seen a higher number of advent calendar pictures than most people and, in what I’m going to refer to as ‘my experience’, the pictures are usually things like mistletoe, mince pies and Father Christmas’s sleigh, i.e things one would normally associate with Christmas.
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With your calendar, however, I notice that the pictures are largely woodland creatures in the snow, and that you have drawn your inspiration from ‘Winter’ as opposed to ‘Christmas’. Indeed, I see that winter in the countryside is something you love very dearly; I recognise most of the advent calendar door pictures as being cropped from existing works of yours. However, barring the Christmas tree from behind door 19 and one or two others, the images haven’t been what I would describe as ‘Christmassy’.
For example, the houses that appear behind door 20, the houses with snow on their roofs; during the run up to Christmas one would expect them to have Christmas lights up or indeed to have Christmas trees in the windows, but in the picture the houses are quite plain. I suppose my point is that given that the run up to Christmas is what an advent calendar is all about, I was curious as to why your calendar generally doesn’t have a more Christmassy feel.
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Also, and this is more of a side note, with the picture on the front of the advent calendar, is there a story that you’re trying to tell? Because I noticed that there were some unusual footprints around the shed and wondered whether there might be something sinister going on, the leading theory among my friends is that this is the sign of some kind of suicide pact.
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Merry Christmas and a Happy CGACC©
Chris Gates”
Will keep you posted.
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Comments
Jonny G - Oh my goodness, he’s never confronted the artist before. Not even in 2016!
Chris Gates - But only because the artist was clearly Satan and hell’s customer service is famously patchy.
Advent Calendar Door 21: It’s another fucking horse!
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Yep. Hope you’re all well.
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Comments:
Roz - If there isn't a huge cult suicide in the house on day 24, I'm going round HER house to create one.
Advent Calendar Door 22: It’s two birds at a bird feeder!
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So basically, I think both houses have just been burgled and then the burglar’s set fire to them.
Advent Calendar Door 23: It’s a snowman!
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Well, here we are, the second to last door, which means that it’s Christmas Eve Eve (not Christmas Eve Steve). Obviously, snowmen and snowwomen and snowpersons in general are acceptable Christmassy pictures, which brings this calendar’s track record up to 6 out of 24 (assuming that tomorrow’s door isn’t a hawk or an old tyre or some actual bollocks.) Which means, ladies and gentlemen, that this is officially the worst advent calendar I have ever had. So, thank you all for coming along on this adventure with me. It’s been...well, let’s just say it’s been.
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#CGACC2018
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Comments:
Clare - Chris it's been refreshing! Like a cold Gin and tonic with lemon and ice clinking ( I don't even like Gin!) Like jumping into a pool on a hot day. Like.. you get the idea! A break if you will from perfectly decorated trees, works do's pics, somebosys forthcoming Xmas dinner pics and perfect family days out, family dinners etc etc , from PTA ( its a school.thing) and parent demands for cash for teachers presents , from counting sleeps ans #excited# cant wait#look at my perfect life! So thank you for the change, the break the holiday from the rest of FB . Rubbish calender or not I salute you sir!
Chris Gates - That’s genuinely very touching, thank you x
Advent Calendar Door 24: IT’S THE MOST CHRISTMASSYIST THING I’VE EVER SEEN!
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Okay there’s a lot going on here and it’s going to take a while for me to describe, but I just wanted to make clear at this point that am absolutely furious. There are like 7 Christmassy elements in this picture and all of them, EACH AND EVERY ONE, could have been a stand alone picture along the way, a few traditional festive footholds amidst all the fucking fauna, but NO; the artist has been hoarding them all like a greedy squirrel and now I’m left looking at her nuts.
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So. It’s a merrily dancing fire in a handsome white marble fireplace which is decorated with a large red bow and two Christmas stockings hung with care on either side. On the mantlepiece are a miniature Christmas tree, a little statue of a reindeer, candles, and two Christmas cards with (respectively) Father Christmas and a robin on them. Above the fireplace hangs a bunch of mistletoe and an orange and red paper chain, and to the right of all this is a Christmas tree, tastefully decorated and topped with a golden star.
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Now, if you look on the artist’s website, and I have, many times, often until the small hours of morning though a blur of angry tears, you can see that most of the advent calendar pictures are merely cropped images from previously existing works. I mean, can you believe the sheer fucking ARROGANCE of it? The artist knew what constitutes a Christmassy picture this whole time, but couldn’t be shitting BOTHERED to draw 24 brand new pictures, and so we were left with badgers and owls and all manner of spurious nonsense and for what, I ask you? For what? So Jo fucking Grady could make a quick buck, that’s what.
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And that’s it. That’s me done. It’s been a bit of a weird one this year. I mean, it’s always a bit of a weird one really, that’s very much the CGACC© USP, but if this was your first (and possibly last CGACC©, for nothing is certain but death) then I apologise wholeheartedly on behalf of the artist. If you have any complaints then her contact information is publicly available, though for legal reasons I must make absolutely clear that I am not encouraging anyone to do so. Not in the slightest.
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Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.
Peace & Goodwill
Chris x
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#CGACC2018
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Comments:
Mill - Maybe she's just one of these people who moans about how Christmas stuff seems to be around earlier each year so she's trying to rein that back in to stop us all from blowing our load too soon...? She's just a big tease, basically.
Matt G - Fuck this calendar.
I think you need to pen an open letter, Chris.
You need to remind these so-called artists who it is that pays their bills.
Take back control.
Drain the swamp!
Jonny G - So sad its over and I have to unfriend you until next year. Brilliant work this year, mate.
Andy H - It's been real. Merry Christmas xx
Tess - Happy Christmas