#CGACC2019
True Defective
There's some really good stuff in this one, I think, I really start to play with the form and branch out into all kinds of nonsense in the footnotes. Unfortunately, out of nothing less than spite on my part, I really went overboard with the swearing this year. Someone had said to me that they didn't like the swearing, and I didn't particularly like that person, so....yeah.
​
For context, you need to know that there was a snap election in the UK this December, and that I was very much in favour of Labour which I make pretty clear at various points.
The election proved to be a bit of a distraction *spoiler alert: Labour lost*, and also about half way through the month, the night of the election in fact, I got into a lovely romance which kind of took priority over advent calendar themed Facebook rants, and rightly so.
Ladies and gentlemen...no hang on, that simply won’t do in this day and age, let me try again.
​
Ahem.
​
My fellow vertebrates. My fellow brain havers. My fellow breathers. My fellow dreamers. My fellow people who have, at some point in their life, had to abandon all their dignity and run away from a wasp. My fellow beams of energy vibrating in human form...yeah, that’s good.
​
My fellow vibrators. The festive season is upon us.
​
This means a lot of different things to a lot of different people; to some of us it means an inexorable slide into borderline alcoholism as the days get darker, to others it signifies the start of a month long nightmare of consumerism and WHAMAGEDDON. To others still, those strange creatures who unaccountably start measuring time in ‘sleeps’ despite being ACTUAL grown-ass adults, it means OMG CHRISTMAAAAS, and to some people, if it’s not Halloween it’s simply not worth bothering with, and to both of those I say CALM THE FUCK DOWN.
​
I wish them all well, but also, in my humble opinion, they’re missing the point entirely.
For me, this time of year has always been about taking stock, thinking about life and the world around you and really looking at the choices you make and why you make them. It’s about change, it’s about compassion, it’s about* taking a generous world view and trying to act accordingly. But ever so slightly more than that, to me and to others, it means the CGACC©.
​
Now, if you’re a new friend (and there are a LOT of you fuckers this year) you will quite understandably be asking ‘what in the name of Christ’s soupy beard is the CGACC©, and also who IS this dreamboat? Did I meet him at a party or something?’ Well, first of all, I’m amazed you’ve read this far, what the fuck is wrong with you? Secondly, thank you, I try to take care of myself but I’m just playing the hand I was dealt as best I can. And thirdly, wonder no longer. Welcome to my TED talk.
​
The CGACC© is the Chris Gates Advent Calendar Campaign. Where I, Chris Gates, take it upon myself each day to describe to you, the enraptured reader, what is behind my advent calendar door. Why, yes, I AM single, however did you guess?
​
Why do I it? I honestly don’t know anymore, but I have been doing it for the last nine (9) years. Nine. Motherfucking. Years. Peoples’ reactions have been, shall we say...mixed. Mainly, a lot of confusion if I’m honest with you. A LOT of confusion. A fair amount of concern, some pretty major annoyance and at LEAST 20 instances of being quietly unfriended, but also, and actually this is why I keep on doing it, there’s a good number of people who are super into it. Some of whom to a vaguely worrying degree, but I just try to be glad that they’re happy and that they don’t know where I live.
​
My point is that if at any point you feel your inner heckler start piping up, ask yourself whether a) You have what it takes to take me on and b) Whether you are contributing in the spirit of things or just being a tiresome Reply Guy. Basically: join in if you like, but don’t be a cunt about it.
​
Don’t worry if you’re scared, that’s perfectly natural and probably quite advisable actually, but I promise you we’ll get through this. One way or another we WILL get through this. See you all tomorrow for door number one. Good luck everyone, we live in interesting times.
Peace & Goodwill
​
Chris
​
​
*just fucking vote Labour, okay?
​
Comments:
​
Andy H - In uncertain times we look to CGACC© to provide reassurance and continuity. That's a lot of weight on your broad shoulders.
​
Dan W - GACC is the highlight of my festive season. Xxx
​
Chris Gates - *CGACC©
​
Nerys - It's CGACC© Eve!! How will I sleep tonight?!
​
Mill - When you say 'the last nine years', do you mean this is year nine, or this is the actual big one-zero?
​
Chris Gates - This is year nine. What, you don’t seriously think i’d let the fucking decade mark go by unaddressed do you?
​
Mill - O certainly hoped not. But i'm glad to know we now have a whole year to plan for the big one.
​
Joanna L - NINE? I feel old.
​
Chris Gates - Same, fam. Sam.
​
Roz - It’s here! It’s here!!! Time for some Bailey’s, a mince pie, and some regrettable sequinned wardrobe choices.
​
Chris Gates - Simmer down.
​
Sami - So ready for this. Nine years? dont be so fucking rude. Good teaser prelude. Not disappointed. Also, i know where you live .
​
Kez - THIS IS THE ADVENT CALENDAR IVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT ALL YEAR
Advent Calendar Door 1: It’s a door with a wreath on it!
​
Right, straight out the gate I wanna say this is a brilliant opening gambit and I literally grunted with satisfaction when I saw this. Like, not even a subtle little ‘hmm’ of appreciation, but two or three solid, loud ‘MMPHs’ of deep, soul-level fulfilment. Let me break this down.
​
Guys, it’s a door behind a door. That’s fucking PROFOUND, this is Shakespeare level genius, people, this is Chris Nolan territory; plays within plays, dreams within dreams, doors within motherfucking* doors. And this is door number ONE, the FIRST door, it’s like the artist is saying ‘hey, step into Christmas with me.’ Love it, love everything about it.
As I say, there’s a wreath on the door, by which I mean a Christmas wreath and not, you know, a funeral wreath; veterans of the CGACC© will understand my need to clarify this point, because once there were dead children behind one door and the actual Antichrist behind another, and some years it’s a shoe, or a dog, or a howling, yawning void from which no light or hope can escape, so everything and anything is terrifyingly possible. Even swans.
​
There’s also a Christmas tree next to the door AND snow on the ground in front of the door. So yeah, a lot of bases covered, a big old tick for this picture. Guys, I hate to call it this early in the game, but this artist knows their shit. Last year, for those who remember, but also for those who don’t, or who have undergone hypnotherapy/neurosurgery in order to forget, was, let’s not mince pies**, a shitshow at the fuck factory. It was pretty much exclusively random non-Christmassy woodland creatures, and I don’t know how how any of us made it out alive. We did though, if only just, but it feels good to be (at least for now) in safe hands.
​
Fingers crossed for tomorrow.
​
​
*hello, welcome to the footnotes. A quick word about swearing. It’s HUGE part of the CGACC©, always has been and always will be, but I do get people coming up to me saying, ‘Chris, babe, I do enjoy your advent calendar posts, but it would be so much better without the fucks, shits, cunts and motherfuckers^’ to which I say ‘Get fucked. Would you look at the Sisteen Chapel ceiling and complain about the nudity? Yes, it IS the same thing actually. Yes it is. Yes it IS. Shut up.’ So, yeah, get on board.
**nice joke Chris, well done.
​
Comments:
​
Marie - December has officially begun for me now. Thank you for posting this early, so that I can feel festive straight off the bat. What a service you provide!
​
Lex - What you are doing here is a public service. This does not mean I won't be nicking 'shitshow at the fuck factory' to use in the future.
​
Chris Gates - Oh, it’s very much public domain so don’t worry about it.
​
Gary W - Well up for this, this year
​
Tamsin - Start as you mean to go on motherfucker!
​
Phillipa - meta as fuck
​
Chris Gates - RIGHT??
​
Miles - Its like being suffocated for 11 fucking months and then finally getting to breathe.
​
Quartz - Except less sexy
​
Chris Gates - Matter of opinion.
Daniel W - More fucking nudity please
Advent Calendar Door 2: It’s a Christmas Tree!
​
A massive Christmas tree, festooned* with red lights and tinsel, standing in the middle of a snowy village green. There’s a red postbox in the background as well as a small, cozy cottage, whose windows glow softly with a warm, golden light.
​
Well, obviously I’m furious right now. Are you HIGH, advent calendar artist?! Have you been freebasing rocks of incense? You can’t just cram in two items of Christmassy flora back to back like that, particularly when you’ve already had a little Christmas tree in the mise en scène** of the previous picture. It’s just sloppy planning.
​
Folks, there is a limited amount of legitimate Christmas flora, okay? There’s really only 5 items***, and there are TWENTY TWO FUCKING DOORS left to fill. You gotta spread ‘em out a little. ‘But Chris,’ I hear you say, in a tone you imagine is placatory but actually just shows your inability to grasp the seriousness of the situation and thus enrages me further ‘does it really matter if you have two plant based pictures one after the other?’
‘Listen kid,’ I say, flicking my cigarette butt into the roaring ocean below as the sun sets dramatically behind the turbulent water****, ‘after while, you learn to read the signs of when things are about to go bad. It doesn’t always mean that they will, but it sure as hell means that they can, and sometimes all you can do in this goddamn job is be ready. Everything goes to shit sooner or later. Come on. It’s getting late, I’ll drive you home.’
​
What I’m trying to say is that this is something I’ve been doing for a while, and little oversights like this sometimes lead to big mistakes later on. A successful advent calendar needs variety and imagination, and the fact that we’ve had two similar pictures grouped together like this is warning sign that maybe the artist has bitten off more than they can chew here. Look, ultimately I just want what’s best for you, and after the fiasco of #CGACC2018, maybe I’m just a little scared of everything going wrong again. Maybe it still hurts, okay?
​
Anyway. Morning everyone.
​
​
*for those playing CGACC© bingo, you may now tick off the word ‘festooned’.
**Things in the scene. I got a D in A level Film Studies and I am NOT afraid to use it.
***Wreath, Christmas Tree, holly, mistletoe and, less commonly, poinsettias. Every day’s a school day.
****What I’m imagining here is that I’m a grizzled LA cop who’s seen it all, or maybe just too much, and you’re my well intentioned but naive new parter; we’ve just had a break in the case but the chief is on my ass because I don’t do things by the book. I’ve driven us out to a cliff edge by the sea at sun set, this where my last partner died of an overdose but you don’t know about that yet. All you know is that underneath the gruff exterior of this man you fear and admire is a well of unexpressed sadness that makes him hard to deal with sometimes. You try through, you can’t help but try; you’re one of the good guys after all.
​
Comments:
​
Mill - What about a pear tree with a partridge in it? Surely that counts as Christmassy flora?
Chris Gates - Oh, you’ve piped up have you? No, it doesn’t. A pear tree isn’t Christmassy in its own right, it needs the addition of the partridge in order to make the grade. They very much come as a team and, much like Ant and Dec, one is meaningless without the other. It’s not Christmas flora unless it’s Christmassy on its own; if you showed me a undecorated fir tree I’d still think of it as a Christmas tree.
Jem - How I love this.
Lex - Ivy. But only with holly, I guess. Whatever
Ian - Even in the song about it, the holly wears the crown. Poor Ivy and horrid old smug Holly.
Roz - And. We. Are. Off!
Esmerelda - So far, glorious. Excellent work.
Ian - Is day 2 being too early for a Christmas tree, which is a solid Window 12 pick for me, not on your agenda here? These are the details we stay for, if we stay at all
Chris Gates - Well, first of all, A for effort, you clearly have been paying attention. However, this, much like the one outside the front door the day before, is a public Christmas Tree and not a private one, so I don’t really feel the same way about it. Santa doesn’t leave his presents under these trees. I still fully expect that a Christmas Tree might be behind door 24, but it’ll be the family tree, the one you sit around on Christmas morning and open presents infront of.
Mill - Woah hang on a minute there, Santa doesn't leave presents under any tree, he leaves them in the stockings hung by the chimney with care, surely?!
Chris Gates - God, you’re right. I don’t know where that came from, the family tree is for presents and Santa does the stockings. Sorry, I hadn’t had my coffee yet.
Mill - Jesus, Chris you nearly gave me a heart attack.
Eden - Marvellous. Christmas has started. These posts are now part of the tradition
Chris S - Throwing your cigarette into even an imaginary ocean could have consequences. Those poor imaginary fish...
Advent Calendar Door 3: It’s two snowpeople!
​
And let me tell you, these are some HIGH END motherfuckers. We’re talking three tier snowpeople here; little snowball head, medium snowball middle and big ol’ snowball bottom. They have stick arms and scarves and one of them, I shit you not, is playing a violin. There’s also some presents lying at their...not feet...at their balls I guess you’d say.
These are definitely living snowpeople which, by the way, can we just all agree that the whole idea of The Snowman is fucking terrifying? No seriously, can we just take some time to look at that? First of all, think about the world from The Snowman’s point of view. He’s made of snow, I think that’s something we can all agree on, and then there’s snow on the ground and snow falling out of the sky and, as we’ve just established, HE’S MADE OF SNOW...it’s horrific, like, what if you woke up tomorrow and everything was just covered in flesh and blood and stuff? And there was skin falling from the sky? And then Aled Jones* started singing? It’s hellish. And also, can we talk about the coal button/coal eyes situation? Like, which is which? Are his eyes also buttons or can his coat see? Troubling isn’t it?
So yes, there they are, and they’re sort of flirtatiously leaning into one another too; the violin player is trying to seduce the other one with his sweet sweet music and, let me tell you, it is WORKING. So, um, I guess they’re about to fuck? Is that the story here? And if it is, that raises a whole bunch of questions about snowperson copulation, because it’s certainly not needed for reproduction, but that doesn’t mean they’re not sexual beings, does it? They probably just find a nice, cold room and rub their balls together. Just something to bear in mind when you’re watching telly with the family this year.
​
​
*yeah yeah, I KNOW it’s not actually Aled Jones who sings Walking In The Air in the Snowman, okay? Take the day off already. Do you know who did? DO YOU? No, of course you don’t, you’d have had to google it like everyone else, but I just bet you’d be all like ‘Um actually, I think you’ll find it’s actually Peter Auty who sang Walking In The Air in the Snowman actually, get it right Chris rah rah rah’. You make me sick. Fuck you and fuck Peter Auty.
​
Comments:
​
Shifia - Big Ol' ball is what I'll turn into if I eat all the shortbread I made. Love reading about balls in the morning,
​
Chris Gates - I know you do, mate. We all know.
​
Lex - I was not prepared for that before coffee
It gets worse though. I watched the Snowman a few years ago because I thought it would be a nice nostalgic journey back to my childhood, but I got hit with the full on horror of ot all over again.
The yanks have frosty the snowman, who sounds like a bit of teat tbh but at least he can talk. He says a proper goodbye to the kids says he will be back and buggers off. Where to? Where could he possibly be going? Lapland of course with all the other snowmen. See, our British snowman doesn't talk, but everyone seems to be mute so it's ok, yes? BUT he willingly take this lonely kid on an adventure, (which includes joy riding btw) and takes him to meet all the other snowmen and women having a party, who presumably can all stay there, it being in the north pole or something, but he has now got the responsibility of getting this kid back home. None of the other snow people have to get back home. Just him. He has to sacrifice himself to just show this kid a good time. No "I'll be back again some day". He just stands there and willingly accepts his fate of becoming a pile of mush.
Happy fucking Christmas everyone
​
Chris Gates - OMFG that’s amazing. Build your snowpeople responsibly everyone.
​
Rob D - Three days in and I predict this years #CHACC will be a classic
​
Chris Gates - Goddamn it Rob, it’s either CGACC© or #CGACC2019
And don’t think for a SECOND that I don’t know your doing this on purpose just to annoy me, you shitbag.
​
Rob D - he kraken of christmas has awoken! Oh, and it’s you’re
​
Chris Gates- FUCK!!!!
Advent Calendar Door 4: It’s another Christmas Tree!
​
This is a different Christmas tree from the one behind door 2. It’s outside and it’s evening time in the picture; snow is gently falling, warm light spills softly from the nearby cottages, and six (6) choir boys are standing facing the tree. They’re dressed in white robes with red collars. Presumably they’re singing carols, but they have their backs to us so it’s hard to tell. They may just be stood in a moment of silent appreciation, taking in the festive atmosphere.
​
*Sigh*
​
I mean...for fuck’s sake. For. Fuck’s. Sake. LITERALLY what did I tell you? Did I call it or did I fucking call it? This calendar has gone to shit and it’s only door 4. Three Christmas Trees. THREE. How do these people keep getting commissioned to make advent calendars? Is it, like, the easiest job interview ever?
​
Interviewer: Okay, so, can you name 4 Christmassy things?
Artist: Uhhhh...yes...
I: ...and will you?
A: Oh, you mean right now?
I: If you don’t mind.
A: Okay...uh....a....Christmas...tree?
I: Yes, that’s good. Another one?
A: A...different Christmas tree.
I: Well...if it’s a different one then...yes, I suppose. A third one?
A: .....
I: Are you alright? You haven’t said anything for 10 minutes.
A: Sorry...uh...what’s that Christmas movie with Aled Jones singing in it?
I: The Snowman?
A: YES! Him, them, those...snow...persons.
I: Okay great, so just one more and the job’s yours.
A: Okay....
I: It was Peter Auty by the way.
A: What?
I: Never mind. Go on.
A: A...Christmas...tree.
I: Welcome aboard!
​
No, seriously though. Somebody must be asleep at the wheel that this keeps happening. ‘But Chris,’ you say, wincing in the dense fog of alcohol fumes and cigarette smoke* ‘Why does the artist keep drawing trees? What am I missing?’
I look at you over the rim of my whiskey glass and slur out a response over the sound of the jukebox which is unaccountably playing What’s New Pussycat by Tom Jones
‘Listen kid, the artist is in way over their head here. This is just the beginning. They were asked to come up with 24 Christmassy pictures and they thought it’d be easy. Now they’re panicking. It’s only four doors in and they’re panicking. And when artists start panicking, they get sloppy.’
‘Okay, but so what? What does it mean?’
‘It means,’ here, the music fades out and, in the silence, the camera slowly zooms in on my face, ‘there could be ANYTHING behind these doors.’
​
Mark my word, folks. Shit’s about to get reeeeal rough.
​
​
*Okay, so at this point the chief has taken me off the case, because I’m a loose cannon who doesn’t play by the rules, but mainly because of the alcoholism. You’ve been put in charge of the investigation but, now that my hunch has been proved right, the chief has sent you find me and bring me back. It’s three in the morning and this scene follows a two minute montage of you driving all over town trying to find me, intercut with clips of your teenage son waiting for you to pick them up from baseball practice, then having to get a cab home, then making himself dinner, then falling asleep on the couch waiting for you to come home. You’re becoming obsessed with your work, just like me. Eventually you find me in a dive bar, The Drawing Room in Los Feliz. I’m in bad shape and I’m not pleased to see you, but I agree to talk to you because you’re my partner dammit, and that still means something even if nothing else does.
​
Comments:
​
Sascha - Yep...yet another Christmas scene in complete unoriginality. Why not stick a reindeer dancing in suspenders or at least a Father Christmas in drag or something?!? That would be amazing!
​
Chris Gates - My sentiments exactly.
​
Mill - Pretty sure there's only been two trees, a wreath, and snow people... where is this third tree of which you speak?!
​
Chris Gates - I will leave you to fact check yourself and prove yourself wrong.
Mill - *sigh* ok fine, i failed to remember the tree next to the wreath door. I wonder whether they drew some choir boys and decided it didn't look christmassy enough (after realising they couldn't draw faces and so colouring in their heads with hair) so added the tree for an additional festive vibe? Either that, or they're singing Oh Christmas Tree, and they thought they'd better sing it to the tree like it was some demented malevolent god of christmas who they have to placate
​
Chris Gates - Ha! Brilliant.
Advent Calendar Door 5: It’s a fucking horse!
​
Yeah, that’s right, a horse. A horse is what’s behind today’s door. Nothing else but a horse having a run through some snow. That’s it. That’s the picture.
​
Ugh.
​
Get. Fucked.
​
I’m can’t do this, not again, I just can’t. I refuse put myself through the same shit I went through in 2018; last year’s CGACC© was my Vietnam.
​
Jesus fucking wept though, A HORSE? Do you SEE what I have to put up with? A MOTHERFUCKING HORSE. I mean, do I even NEED to explain why this is bullshit? Even if you’re new to the CGACC© you MUST see the problem here, right? Well, I’ve learned not to take that kind of risk, so let me quickly explain Chris’s Second Law Of Advent Calendar Dynamics*
​
The law states: To be a valid advent calendar picture the image MUST either be an inherently Christmassy object or scene (e.g. a sprig of mistletoe or reindeer pulling Santa’s sleigh) or a festive variant of a non-Christmassy object or scene (e.g. a traffic cone with some holly on it or Kanye West doing a concert in Santa’s workshop)**
​
I set the bar SO LOW, you could literally have ANYTHING; a grape or a hot air ballon or a monkey flinging shit out of its cage, so long as there’s, say, a bit of mistletoe wrapped around it or whatever, but EVERY FUCKING YEAR the law gets broken.
​
And look, I know, I KNOW what some of you are thinking, I can feel you bouncing up and down in your seats like school children with your hands in the air, bursting to point out a mistake the teacher just made, so let’s just nip that in the bud now: yes, there’s a Christmas song with the lyric ‘dashing through the snow in a one horse open sleigh’, but this ain’t that fucking horse. The artist could have drawn that and I would have accepted it with a smile on my face and a song in my heart, but if that was their intention then I need to see the sleigh or sleigh-belles or ANY FUCKING THING indicating it’s not just, as we have here, a plain ass non Christmassy galloping motherfucker.
​
Here endeth the lesson *mic drop*
​
​
*those of you playing CGACC© bingo can now tick off Chris’s Second Law Of Advent Calendar Dynamics
**The First Law states: Chocolate advent calendars are stupid and you’re stupid for liking them you big stupid.
​
Comments:
​
Rebecca - I mean, is the horse at least trotting merrily through some snow?
Is it a snowy white horse? Does it have holly in its mane?
​
Chris Gates - It’s trotting through the snow, yeah. But that doesn’t cut it. Snow is seasonal, not festive.
​
Rebecca - fair point. But there is a Christmas song all about snow. Does it not transcend the categories?
​
Chris Gates - There’s literally not.
​
Rebecca - Let it Snow? I'm Dreaming of A White Christmas?
Chris Gates - Let It Snow is not a Christmas song. There’s no mention of Christmas in it. It’s a seasonal song about snow co-opted by Christmas.
White Christmas is about snow ON CHRISTMAS DAY, it’s a song about Christmas FEATURING snow. I repeat; snow is seasonal, not festive.
Ania - I like horses
Chris Gates - Marry one then.
Roz - Does it look like it could be humming a festive tune?
Quartz - I still say that under a Corbyn government, advent calendars would be brought under public ownership, and we wouldn't have to put up with this shit.
Megan - Dashing through the snow.... on a one HORSE open sleigh....
​
Chris Gates - RTFM
Lex - Fun fact: Jingle Bells was written about Thanksgiving and not Christmas. This is a fail on every level. What if the artist can only draw trees and horses? This is a disaster.
Kate A- Would you have accepted a rocking horse like one that might represent a child's gift?
Chris Gates - Would have done and have done in the past.
Kate A - I thought as much seems reasonable to me.
Advent Calendar Door 6: It’s two donkeys in a stable!
​
The donkeys are, well, they’re donkeys. You know what donkeys look like, right? Like someone tried to draw a horse and got it wrong. The stable is made of flint, it has red doors and there’s holly hanging from the gable. There’s also, would you believe it, a Christmas tree to the right of the door with presents under it, and the donkeys are looking at it like whaaaat?
​
Well. Thank fuck for that. Clearly the artist has been paying attention over the last few days and has started to take things a bit more seriously. I’m not made of stone and I’m not one to hold a grudge, some words were said, some laws of advent calendar dynamics were broken, some horses were drawn, but let’s just let bygones be bygones and move on.
​
If I were to offer a teensy criticism, and I really hate to, it would be WHAT’S WITH ALL THE FUCKING CHRISTMAS TREES? Honestly, it’s becoming a fetish at this point. I mean, I love a Christmas tree as much as the next man, more so probably, but there are other ways to amp up the Christmassy vibe of a picture. I personally would like to have seen a donkey in a Santa hat, and have done for a very long time. But no. Thwarted once again.
Also, who’s wrapping these presents for the donkeys? I mean, I’m assuming that the presents are for the donkeys and that this is not, in fact, presents for the family. Seems like kind of a dick move if so, like something a cruel character from a Charles Dickens novel might do, you know? Like:
​
“A thin smile tore across Mrs Cathcart’s paper white face, and her dusty, coal black eyes glowed, as though lit by some malevolent furnace which burned with a dark and pitiless fire, ‘Oh yes, sweetlings,’ she wheezed, ‘you’ll ‘ave your presents alright, but I’ll not ‘ave my carpet ruined by all that filthy litter, so you’ll be opening them out by the donkeys where you belong.’”
​
But I think they ARE for the donkeys TBF, even if the donkeys seems a bit nonplussed by the whole situation. But then donkeys seem nonplussed by everything, so I really don’t see the point of getting them presents to begin with, let alone their own special Christmas Tree. Ungrateful pricks.
​
​
Comments:
​
Ian - you ARE made of stone
​
Chris Gates - Poetic licence.
​
Lex - Normally, I'd start to worry about obsessing about an advent calendar on only day 6, but the alternative is politics so I'm ok with it. So, what I reckon is that this is not one, but 2 artists. They're siblings, maybe even twins. One of them draws a Christmas picture and the other one sees is sitting on the table and thinks 'hmmm...this needs a Christmas tree in it'. They have arguments about it 'Ian! For the love of fuck! STOP drawing Christmas trees on all my pictures!' Ian objects that actually he doesn't draw Christmas trees on all of Alan's pictures, there was the horse one, for example. Alan says 'just stay out of my room!' And Ian (he's quite cheeky and likeable as a character) shrugs and wonders off. But he'll do it again. Oh yes he will.
​
Chris Gates - If I should die, you would be among the candidates auditioned to take up my mantle.
​
Lex - For everyone's sake. Don't die.
​
Quartz - I have been gifted a picture advent calendar this year, and I *believe* it has so far obeyed all of the laws of advent calendars, according to CGACC (I don't know how to do a copyright sign). How would I check this with the Supreme Leader, please?
Chris Gates - You may submit them via messenger or post, or post them on here. I shall look them over in due course.
Advent Calendar Door 7: It’s Bonnie And Clyde!
​
She in her trademark cloche style hat, long skirt and long sleeved top, him in his trademark three piece pinstripe suit and fedora, they’re clearly enjoying a romantic evening together, following a successful heist perhaps, by taking a sleigh ride in the snow. The sleigh is red and bedecked* with holly. Bonnie’s dress is red with a white, fluffy trim on the sleeve, giving her a sexy Mrs Clause vibe, and there’s a green peacock feather in her hat.
No really though, who else is this meant to be? It’s a very specific look after all and, okay, sure, they don’t have their guns with them and they’ve washed off the blood, but even Bonnie and Clyde needed their down time, some time away from their work; it’s the equivalent of switching your phone off and washing off the blood after a busy day at the office.
​
I mean, it’s original, I’ll give ‘em that, something of a lateral move from the artist here; I feel they’re really pushing the limits of my rule about accepting Christmassy variants of non Christmassy things, which I can’t help but respect, but where does it stop? Most pictures have, thus far, been in a small English village, and now suddenly we’re in 1930s America with history’s most famous criminal couple. What’s next? Is the next picture going to be Fred and Rose West pulling a cracker? Myra Hindley kissing Ian Brady under the mistletoe? Because, by my own rules, I would have to accept any of those, and maybe that’s something I’ll need to address before long, but for now this gets the official CGACC© approval.
​
One last big score for The Barrow Gang.
​
​
*Those of you playing CGACC© bingo can now tick of the word ‘bedecked’
​
Comments:
​
Mill - Perhaps the artist wanted to get in on your grizzled film noir detective vibe?
Chris Gates - You mean the one I’ve been doing in this CGACC©, or the one that I as a person am famous for?
Mill - both..?
Kate A - I'm usually happy to take your word for the content of the images but I have to admit that this one is hard to swallow. But swallow it I will. I have a reputation to withhold
Chris Gates - Oh my
Kate A - I was writing that and it just sort of naturally went there and I'm always quite pleased with myself when the jokes just make themselves even if it's at the expense of my sterling reputation.
Chris Gates - That pretty much sums up how I feel about the CGACC©
​
Advent Calender Door 8: IT’S SANTA!!!
​
It’s nighttime and he’s flying in his sleigh, but far in the distance and very high up. In the foreground, we see a small forest clearing; everything is covered in crisp, white snow which glows in the cold light of a full moon. Everything is white and silver, but Santa and his three reindeer are mere silhouettes, perfect black shapes; shadow puppets passing silently through this clear winter sky.
​
Well, what load of old shit. I mean, first of all, why the fuck are there only three reindeer? You CANNOT just deadass ignore canon like that. The existing 8 reindeer are all such beloved characters, the perfect ensemble, and there is NO DEAD WOOD.
​
Dancer - Leader of the group
Prancer - Kung fu master
Dasher - Demolitions expert
Vixen - French, specialty is sex
Comet - Comic relief, deadly with a knife
Cupid - Level 19 Mage
Donna - Grizzled veteran, called out of retirement for one last heist
Blitzen - Alcoholic
​
Second of all, this is waaaaay too early for Santa. What in the name of ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY is Santa doing flying in his sleigh on the 8th of December? What, you think he has time to go for a joyride when he’s making presents for LITERALLY EVERYONE??? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you need to build to Santa, you need to EARN Santa, if you bust him out this early in the game you leave yourself nowhere to go when we get into the 20s. Sloppy. Just sloppy.
‘But hang on,’ I say suddenly, and you start awake from where you were sleeping on the office floor* ‘maybe Santa is just delivering presents to a distribution warehouse ahead of Christmas Eve. After all, it’s pretty unlikely that he personally delivers all the presents himself in one night. Isn’t it more probable that, much like Amazon, he has a global delivery network?’
With great weariness and confusion, you rub your eyes and say ‘So...what kind of detectives are we meant to be again? Because so far it’s kind of been like we’re in Homicide, but this kind of sounds like maybe more of a Vice issue? I’m just not clear on our department exactly.’
To which I say, hurriedly putting on my jacket, ‘Kid, you’ve got a lot to learn. Now come on, and bring the good scotch, we’re gonna wake up the DA.’
​
​
*The scene here is that we’ve been up all night trying to crack this thing. The room is littered with styrofoam coffee cups and empty pizza boxes, the desk is strewn with loose paperwork and thick stuffed manila folders, and there’s a cork board on the wall with all our photographic evidence and a map of LA with dozens of pins in it. I’m pacing around and smoking, it’s four in the morning and the only sound apart from my footsteps is a loudly ticking clock.
​
Comments:
​
Kate A - I'm currently watching The Wire and it's shit compared to your detective story.
​
Chris Gates - Bien sur
​
Mill - I would like to suggest that perhaps Santa is merely exercising the reindeer ahead of the big night? Like when you do your car checks and run the motor for a bit if you haven't used it for a while?
​
Esmerelda - this might explain why only 3 are out - perhaps the others are working on strength instead of cardio?
​
Mill - exactly this.
Advent Calendar Door 9: It’s two living children with a toboggan!
​
The children who, again, are very much alive, are dressed respectively in red and yellow jumpers, hats and scarves. They are running and dragging the toboggan excitedly down a street glassy with ice. Further down the road we see some ladies in what I would judge to be Victorian dresses; bustle in the back, no party in the front. One is carrying a small umbrella to ward off a light drifting of snow. The street is lined with iron street lanterns, spilling their friendly yellow light on the scene, and in the distance there’s another goddamn motherfucking Christmas tree.
​
They. Are. OBSESSED*. Look, I love a Christmas tree, I’m the first to admit that, but what you have to understand, if you don’t already, is that advent calendars are all about what’s behind door 24, and with a non religious calendar where there is no baby Jesus and, indeed, where there is no God, the big ticket items are a Christmas Tree and Santa Claus. The calendar has already sort of teased Santa, he’s appeared but only very far away, but we have seen an absolute GLUT of Christmas trees. So either the artist has given the game away and it’s definitely Santa behind Door 24, or it’s just going to be another shitting Christmas Tree. Either way, this calendar is pretty much dead to me at this point.
​
Apart from that, this is an absolute banger of a picture, it’s like a little painting. This is one of the main reasons why I go for traditional advent calendars over cartoony ones or chocolate ones. If it were just 24 of these then there would probably be no CGACC© because I would be content to just privately enjoy my advent calendar in peace, and is that really too much to ask? Though obviously that would be massive a shame for all of you. My point is that you’re benefiting from my misery.
​
Happy Monday everyone.
​
​
*Or perhaps it is I who am obsessed. Tough call to make really.
​
Comments:
​
Lex -I'd forgotten that there was a point each year where your mental health becomes questionable. Fun times.
​
Chris Gates - I mean, the fact that I’m doing this at all is kind of a red flag isn’t it?
​
Lex - Yeah, but it's when it gets to the emotional breakdown over a Christmas tree, or the like, that it really starts to feel like Christmas
​
Phillipa - 'becomes .... ?'
​
Rob D - Are you sure they’re not the reanimated corpses of the two dead kids?
​
Chris Gates - I’ll never be sure of anything ever again Rob. 2016 was a tough year for all of us.
​
Rob D - the deepest scars are the ones you can’t see brother!
​
Esmerelda - I’m surprised that a second toboggan isn’t cause for fury and rioting. But then I am very new to this game.
​
Chris Gates - I’m surprised you think there’s been another toboggan. You know, given that there hasn’t.
​
Esmerelda - Ah! Ok I just realised that the previous children were from another year. Still a lot to learn clearly.
​
Chris Gates - It’s okay. Everyone has to have their first rodeo at some point x
Advent Calendar Door 10: It’s two pheasants!
​
Tory turkeys. Get fucked.
​
​
Comments:
​
Rob D - Concise and to the point. Vote labour! X
​
Laura B -Retire now. This beats all. You can't top it. Ever.
Advent Calendar Door 11: It’s ANOTHER Christmas Tree!!
​
The tree is tall and narrow, and lit up with white fairy lights so that it seems to be a glowing cone set against the midnight blue of the evening sky. It’s in a churchyard, but behind a low wall close to the street, so that people are walking past it as they go crunching through the snow. Some of them have stopped to take in this happy spectacle; they’re standing close with each other on the pavement and gazing quietly upwards.
​
Okay.
Alright.
Listen.
There’s about to be a lot of swearing.
I appreciate that it’s early in the morning and it might be a bit much.
So, you know, just bear that in mind
It’s coming up in a second.
Pardon my French
But
​
*deep breath*
​
WHAT THE ABSOLUTE PISS BUGGERING SHIT BALLS IS THE ARTIST THINKING? I mean, Jesus fucking Christ on a SHITTING BICYCLING HOLDAY HOW DOES THIS EVEN FUCKING HAPPEN?
​
I mean, really, I’ve seen a LOT of bullshit behind these doors it in my time, I’ve seen apples and the Antichrist and a HIGH HEELED MOTHERFUCKING SHOE, but not ONCE have I been confronted with such a complete and total CUNTING SPARSITY of imagination.
Fuck my life. No no, ACTUALLY fuck my life. I’m being perfectly serious. See, look, you see my life? See it? It’s yours to fuck. Go on, don’t be shy. Maybe you don’t want to fuck it straight away. That’s cool. Maybe you wanna just text my life for a while first, hang out, get to know it, go to dinner with it, see if you and my life have similar values and interests, see if there’s chemistry, introduce it to your friends, see if it can hold its own at a party, see if you’re COMPATIBLE. Fine. Do what you got to do, but all I ask is that when the time is right and you feel ABSOLUTELY COMFORTABLE DOING SO you take my life to wherever it is that you most like to do your fucking and FUCK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF IT.
​
I mean, the reason this is SO worrying is that we’re not even half way through yet. You do understand, dear and constant reader, WHY that’s so worrying, don’t you? Because, you see, in terms of Christmas Trees, this is only just the beginning. There are 13 doors left. For all we know, they could ALL have Christmas trees behind them. And what then, dear reader? What, I ask you, then? I know i say this every year, but this might be the one that finally kills me.
Peace & Goodwill.
​
Comments:
​
Quartz - Oh dear, I'd forgotten about the shoe
​
Chris Gates - Must be nice.
Advent Calendar Door 12: It’s an Owl!
​
Ugh. Can’t talk. Voting.
​
​
Comments:
Gary W - Awww I'm sure that entry would have been a hoot!
​
Lex - No. We, the voting public, have a right to know what owl is behind the door. You can't just blithely tell us it's an owl and expect us to accept that. A barn owl? A tawny owl? What?? Is it flying? Does it have a Festive piece of Christmas tree in it's beak? We need more information of there is going to be an informed decision.
​
Chris Gates – It’s not what it seems
Advent Calendar Door 13: It’s another fucking shitting bollocking Christmas tree!
​
Well of COURSE it fucking is. As if it wasn’t going to be another arsing Christmas tree today. Hey, insult, this is injury, you guys should get together.
​
That’s it for the CGACC© today. Hope you’re all doing okay. This is a day for kindness and love above everything else. I’m gonna try and get away from my phone and the news for a while and I would encourage you to do the same.
​
Advent Calendar Door 14: It’s three geese!
​
There they are, white feathers, orange beaks and generally looking all goosey, waddling across a snowy farm yard in their own special way, which is oddly nothing like what we call a goose-step. Just looked it up on the online etymology dictionary, because I live life to the max, and the tone of the entry was very much ‘this is what it means, we don’t really know why and it’s fucking stupid’.
​
Frankly, I’m kind of of the mood to reject this out of hand, because while I’m happy to admit that people eat goose on Christmas day, those geese are generally cooked and these ones are patently not and so, unless there are six of them and they’re a-laying then this shouldn’t count. Indeed, the artist had failed to cook these geese, and thus his goose is cooked*
​
However, in the picture there’s also a wreath, mounted on the snowy gable of a barn roof, because clearly the artist was nervous about the Christmassy credentials of these birds and so very grudgingly, by my own rules, I have to accept this as a legitimate advent calendar picture. And also, in the spirit of magnanimity for which the CGACC© is most famous, just like to take a moment to applaud the artist’s restraint for not just throwing in another goddamn Christmas tree. I don’t think any of us could have handled that right now.
​
​
*this phrase apparently originated from when a Czech priest who’s name sounded like ‘goose’ was burned at the stake. So that’s fun.
​
Comments
​
Rob D - Thank god things are back on track
​
Mill - Is that thing about the Czech priest true, or did you make it up?
​
Chris Gates - I looked it up, yeah. Looks like he was either Czech or German, but the story remains the same.
Advent Calendar Door 15: It’s two Christmassy ladies!
​
They’re dressed respectively in red and green dresses with a white fluffy trim. This is more from the American, 1930s Bonnie and Clyde side of this particular ACU*
​
I find that I’m happily very busy today, but also a bit ill so my time and energy are limited and I don’t have it in me to grind out a proper CGACC© post this morning.
​
All the best.
​
​
*Advent Calendar Universe
Advent Calendar Door 16: It’s a Robin!
​
Yaaaaasss.
​
Okay, NOW we’re talking. Now we are talking. Talking is what we are doing now. The time for not talking has passed, and a different time has begun. Specifically a time for talking. We’ve turned something of a corner in terms of whether or not what we are doing can be classified as talking, is what I’m trying to say. If ever you had any uncertainty about talking being the thing that we are currently doing, however valid that uncertainty may have been, I urge to you let said uncertainty end now, because NOW, we are in talking country. In other words: NOT talking is done. There was a time when talking was unimaginable and strange, and those were DARK DAYS, but those times are assuredly over and we can consign them to the dusty annals of history. It’s a brave new world, and talking is at its heart. Folks, It’s talking time.
​
Robins are well Christmassy, is my basic point here, one has appeared in pretty much every CGACC© I’ve done. The reasons why they are Christmassy, their history within various Christian myths has been discussed at length. What hasn’t been discussed, and what I might have to consider if ever it comes up, is if we have to accept Robin, then surely we’d also have to accept Batman who, along with Joker, the Batmobile and an egg, features in one of THE most popular Christmas songs of all time.
​
And if so, do we then have to accept all Batman movies as Christmas Movies? Yes. Yes we do. Fight me*
​
​
*please don’t.
Advent Calendar Door 17: It’s Mary and Joseph!
​
They’re in the distance, but their figures are unmistakable; she’s on her trademark little donkey in her trademark blue cloak, he’s dressed in brown, as is his wont, holding the donkey’s lead in one hand and a walking staff in the other, and he’s leading them both over a hill in the snow*.
​
Okay. Wow. This is a first and I’m not quite sure how to deal with it. I deliberately don’t buy religious calendars, mainly because poking fun at religion is just a bit done and i’d just feel kind of undignified to be dragging it into the CGACC© which, as I’m sure you’ve picked up on, is ALL about dignity. I mean, they’re very welcome, but I feel awkward having them here, like when you run into a work colleague at an orgy. One imagines.
​
So there they are, M & J, Mr and Mrs Christ, presumably on their way to Bethlehem where they are about to take part of history’s most read TripAdvisor review.
Folks, this is a total game changer. I feel as though anything might happen now.
‘A GAME CHANGER, Chris?’ you say rolling your eyes** ‘This seems like a pretty low stakes situation.’
‘No really,’ I say ‘think about it, this changes EVERYTHING; it makes it very possible that there might be a manger scene behind Door 24, which would explain why the artist has been playing it so fast and loose with the Christmas trees. We thought they didn’t know what they were doing but really they’ve been one step ahead of us this whole time.’
‘Sure Chris,’ you say, ‘well, listen, it’s my kid’s play tonight so I have to go home, try and get some sleep will you?’
‘Huh, fine, go, see if I care’ I say, turning my back on you under the pretence of making myself some more coffee, ‘but you’ve changed you know that?’
You pause at the door, your jacket hanging in your hand, pushing down something angry you’re trying not say, but then it bursts out in spite of you ‘Yeah Chris, I changed, it’s allowed, you should try it sometime.’ And then you walk away before we can have the argument we’ve been heading towards for years, the one that might everything between us. It’s coming though. We both know it’s coming.
​
​
*for a second, I thought that this might be a mistake on the part of the artist, but apparently it CAN snow in Bethlehem, if only rarely, and I just wanted to mention that in case any of the smart aleck pricks among you felt like piping up.
**we’ve jumped forwards in time, at this point we’ve been partners for five years and you’re tired of my bullshit. This case, you’ve come to realise, is my white whale, and you’ve come to pity me over it. You, with your marriage and your kids and your whole career ahead of you; me, alone, old and broken, with only my badge, my gun and my whisky for company. Maybe I was a great detective once, maybe I was the best, and maybe that’s why the chief indulges me and why the DA still takes my calls. But you just want to live your own life, you’re thinking about asking for a transfer, but you won’t. You may not be young and naive anymore, you have harder eyes now, you’ve been dragged through the dirt of the city and maybe some of it stuck to you, but you’re still true blue underneath it all, and I’m still your partner dammit.
​
Comments:
​
Lex - Completely unironically, I did not see that coming. Surprise twist! I'm also glad that the film noire is back
What if this calendar has been deliberately planted by the Calendar Artists’ Association to catch you out this year?!
Shifia - Have enjoyed reading this - was going to point out the snow in Bethlehem, but you covered your arse or all avenues shall I say. Please write a detective novel! pleeeeeeaaaaase!
Judey - By the by, I'm liking this whole partner plot you've got going on. Though I should tell you that, in my head, your face is merged with Bruce Willis' like they did in Looper
Chris Gates - I see myself as more of a Matthew McConaughey myself, but I’m happy enough with Bruce Willis.
Peter - When I was in Bethlehem on Christmas Eve 1967 it was very very cold. I was freezing. When I woke up in Jerusalem on Christmas Day, it was to bright sunshine and bitter cold. When we got back to the Kibbutz all the children had been up to Zephat to see snow for the first time and tried to bring some back.
Chris Gates - That is utterly charming.
Advent Calendar Door 18: It’s a red tractor!
​
*Sigh*
​
You know, this CGACC© has been kind of hit and miss; in as much as I miss my life before I bought this calendar and I want to fucking hit it.
​
​
Comments:
​
Lex - Did David Lynch design this calendar?
​
Mill - I hope there's going to be a big final denouement behind door 24 which finally explains how all these things link together in a Christmassy way. Maybe the Christmassy ladies used the tractor to pull the toboggan out of a snow pile?
"Jeez, partner, why would someone make a point of showing us these leads if they didn't link to something in the case?"
​
Chris Gates - Oooh, fanfiction! Now I know I’ve made it
Advent Calendar Door 19: It’s Santa on a bike!
​
Okay, right at the top I just want to say this is among my favourite advent calendar pictures of all time. SANTA on a BIKE? Fuhgeddaboudit. His back is to us, and he’s cycling down a snowy road under an arching tunnel of trees. But what makes this such a good picture is that Santa, for whatever reason and in a manner reminiscent of Bender from The Breakfast Club, is triumphantly punching the air.
​
I mean, what’s not to like about this? When do you ever see Santa on a bike? You don’t really associate him with any activity that involves cardio, and it makes me happy that he’s maybe starting to look after himself. Or maybe he’s just doing a preemptive exercise binge to offset the calories he’s going to consume over the Christmas period.
​
Take it easy big man, your heart probably has more cholesterol than a Christmas pudding and a LOT of people are depending on you. Although you HAVE just given us an impeached Trump, so the stakes aren’t quite as high at this point. That’s why he’s punching the air.
​
​
Comments:
​
Judey -
Artist: "what's that famous saying about Jesus?"
Friend: "He will return?"
Artist: "No, no, not that..."
Friend: "I am the way, the truth and the light?"
Artist: "no, no - it's more of an exclamation"
Friend: "Christ on a bike?"
Artist: "THAT'S the one!"
Friend: "well that's not very Christmassy, is it"
Artist: "I know just the thing..."
(Deleted scene)
Friend: "if it's another sodding Christmas tree-"
Artist: "it's not! Jeez..."
Chris Gates - You guys are really winning in the comments this year.
​
Lex - Alexa, what does austerity look like?
Advent Calendar Door 20: It’s a penguin.
​
Well. It is what it is.
​
Two things of interest. I’m up at my sister’s place and she has the EXACT SAME CALENDAR I had in 2017. I’ll be honest, it’s super awkward, like when you see an ex at a party. It’s a mark of my maturity that I didn’t, for example, throw it in the fire. So well done me.
​
Second thing: my nephew was showing me his advent calendar, it’s a chocolate one so obviously I plucked it out of his hands and threw it on the fire, but then he turned to me and said ‘Uncle Chris, do YOU have an advent calendar?’
​
Kid. You don’t know the half of it.
​
​
Comments:
​
Anna - Hang on, am I missing something, your calendar does NOT have chocolate?! I thought it was chocolate and a picture!!?
​
Chris Gates - Oh Anna, et tu? Chocolate calendars are for children and other people who are lacking character, and they are everything that’s wrong with everything. Firstly, the simple joy of a festive picture should be enough on its own, and it’s a tragic sign of the instant gratification culture we live in that it’s not. Secondly, chocolate calendars are a pain in the arse; the chocolate isn’t that good, the plastic housing obscures the picture and you can’t get the little chocolate out without disturbing the surrounding doors, running the crime of opening a door BEFORE the appointed day, which is of course a crime. And if it’s not than it certainly should be.
​
Stuart - Hey dude. Ive noticed a couple of these now. Quick question - why don't you post a picture up of what's behind the door each day, as well as your thoughts? Just a suggestion. I for one would be much more entertained
​
Chris Gates - Oh, noticed a couple of these have you, Stuart? Had a little idea have you? Thought you’d make a wee suggestion to the guy who, you know, has been doing this shot for 9 years EVER SINCE HE FUCKING INVENTED IT?
No photos. That’s the rules. If you’d like picture, then I heartily recommend using your imagination to make one in your head.
​
Mill - I see we've encountered a couple of CGACC newbies on this thread...
​
Chris Gates - Right?
Advent Calendar Door 21: It’s a bike on a bridge!
​
Okay, this is a weird one. So, in the foreground is a drawing of the front 2/3rds of a bike and some presents and a family of ducks. Which is an odd assortment of things. It kind of looks like maybe someone was ill advisedly trying to deliver their gifts by bike but they misjudged how many hands they had and/or how many hands were required to carry them and then, in addition, unexpectedly had to swerve to avoid the ducks. Presumably now the cyclist is either out of frame, lying in pain or simply unconscious, or they crashed into and tumbled over the railing. So, this may very we’ll be the first fatality of this CGACC©, not counting the death of my hopes, dreams and expectations. They all died long ago you see.
But that’s not what’s weird about this picture. After a while in the advent calendar describing business, and it ISN’T a business, you expect the odd death here and there; life is a rich and beautiful tapestry of hope and despair, so why should advent calendars be any different? No, what’s weird about this is that the background is a photograph of a city. If I were to guess I would say it was Paris, definitely there’s a wide river with stone bridges and grand old buildings marching along the banks. I mean, it’s quite pretty and everything, but also I feel like it’s jarringly inconsistent. Still, Paris is a lovely place to die, so c’est la vie.
​
Comments:
​
Lex - Shit. Did father Christmas fall off the bike? Is Christmas cancelled?
​
Mill - came here to say this. Presumably Santa's mysterious disappearance/death is why we're investigating this case in the first place..?!
​
Lex - If we were in a film noir right now, someone would innocently ask "but...who would want Santa dead?"
Advent Calendar Door 22: It’s another fucking robin!
​
At this point the calendar is straight up trolling me and I simply refuse to engage with it.
​
Advent Calendar Door 23: It’s a Christmas Tree!
​
Sure. Fuck it. Why not?
​
​
Rebecca -It's like witnessing a breakdown in real time
​
Chris Gates - A better description of the CGACC© I’ve yet to hear.
​
Quartz - I never thought I'd say this, but I miss your usual verbosity
Advent Calendar Door 24: It’s Santa with a pick up truck!
​
Ahahahahahahaha, WHAT? I mean...WHAT? What’s happening here? Has Santa UPGRADED? Is this his sweet new ride? I mean, he’s all suited up and he’s got all the presents in the back, and it IS Christmas Eve so, yeah, looks like like he’s ditched the old reindeer/sleigh set up and got himself a shiny new red pick up truck, like he’s a fucking country singer or something.
​
Guys, I think Santa might having a midlife crisis here. It’s upsetting. I mean, for one thing, what are the reindeer going to do now? After all, sleigh pulling is all they know, and it’s not like they can retrain at their age. They’ll have to work a till job or in a call centre which will be HELL after having worked outdoors all their lives. I wouldn’t be surprised if they ended up trying to sell each other for venison.
​
Also, what is this going to do to Santa’s carbon footprint? Even if this thing gets the best mileage in the entire universe, all that pollution will going DIRECTLY into the atmosphere. And don’t try and tell me he’ll offsetting his carbon; will he bollocks, he’s an old white CEO who uses slave labour, you really think he gives a fuck about the environment? Honestly, what is the world coming to when you can’t even trust the figurehead of a capitalist enterprise? SMDH
​
Anyhow, that would appear to be that. Another CGACC© in the bag; I can go back to being my regular, super chilled self, you can all go back to your drab, wretched lives, and the 20 or so people who unfollow me at this time of year can welcome me back to their newsfeed with open arms. Thanks to everyone who joined in, some of you have been doing STELLAR work in the comments this year which has almost made all of this bearable.
​
Almost.
​
Merry Christmas, you pricks, and a Happy New Year
​
Peace & Goodwill
​
Chris
​
​
Comments:
​
Lex -Well, that was the highlight of my Christmas.
Guess I'll get drunk.
​
Chris Gates - That’s the spirit
​
Mill -I mean, it explains why he was riding a bike before... the sleigh was in the garage/the reindeer are all sick/dead... it gets to christmas eve and the garage still haven't been able to fix the problem and santa goes in all huffy complaining it's literally the one night all year when he needs the damn thing and he's tried experimenting with taking the presents around on his trusty bicycle, but it went so horribly badly that he ditched the thing and considered throwing himself off a bridge instead, and how the hell is he going to deliver all these presents now? And it'll be the mechanics' fault when no one gets their presents on christmas morning and they'd better believe they'll be on the naughty list for the rest of their lives unless they do something about it!
So they cave and offer him a red pickup truck as a courtesy vehicle as it's the best they can offer at short notice, and they promise they'll have the sleigh ready in time for next year.
Or something.
Chris Gates - You are the wind beneath my wings.
Mill - You're right, we should turn this into a show