#CGACC2022
The Kids Aren't Alright
So, okay this is fine. Good, even. There's a lot in here that I stand by. Is it my best work? I, for one, think not. But that's just one person's opinion.
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For context, or rather for subtext, I was half way through an MA in creative writing and also had directed a play and been on a little tour of Ireland with it, and I was just exhausted creatively. This was the first thing I had written since other than coursework and I just didn't have the energy for it.
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You know what's missing from this one? The meta narrative. Like, the previous year I put in the stuff with the advent calendar mafia, in 2019 there was that subplot with the detectives, before that there was the True Crime style mystery of what was happening with the houses on The Front.
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This year though? Nada. It wasn't even a choice I was making consciously I was just trying to keep the word count down. I never pre-decide anything about what the meta narrative will be, it has to happen organically or not at all, but if I'm being truly playful, which is what a project like this requires, then stuff like that will just happen. Not this year though.
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So, if you're wondering why this is the last one on the site, that's why. I took the year off in 2023, having at that point completed the MA (for which I got a distinction, but hey who's keeping score?)
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Anyway, enjoy!
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My darling fuckfaces.
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Well, here we are again. December looms once more, another Christmas glimmers in the distance, glowing softly through the misty winter dark, guiding us towards the end of what has been, to be blunt, a right old cunt of a year. Let’s mince our pies, not our words.
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There’s just so much uncertainty these days. As a country, as a PLANET, it feels like all we’ve done since about 2016, maybe 2001, maybe sooner, is stumble from disaster to disaster and sometimes it seems like all you can do is sit back and watch the world unspool doesn’t it?
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Well that’s how it might seem to YOU anyway. Unsurprising really. I mean, look at you, for God’s sake. Bless your little heart. But some of us, chicken, SOME OF US* aren’t quite so content to sit around, dressed in four jumpers and a beanie, shivering beneath a blanket and doom-scrolling through Elon Musk’s live-streamed midlife crises while the oceans rise and the economy melts. Oh no.
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Some of us take action.
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This can look different from person to person; some people protest, some people legislate for change, some people snip the plastic rings from their six pack of beer before throwing them in the bin, so that an eel or whatever doesn’t choke, and then sort of leave it at that. Everyone is a hero in their own special way.
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“And what about you, Chris?” I hear you ask, “What do YOU do that’s so fucking special and also have you been working out wow you look great?” Which is a fair question. What DO I do? Well, let’s just say I’m low key goated in situations where describing advent calendar pictures is the vibe**
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I’m talking, of course, about the CGACCâ’¸
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Now, for those who don’t know what I’m talking about, or who have forgotten, or who have undergone some Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind style brain modification in order to wipe all thoughts of it from your mind, let me drop some knowledge and, in some cases (sorry) trigger your PTSD
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See, for the past eleven (11) years, each and every December, I, Chris Gates, published writer, award winning poet, acclaimed director and cutie pie, have taken it upon myself to each day describe what is behind my advent calendar door. FOR NO FINANCIAL RECOMPENSE**
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Why, you ask? WHY? Um…I don’t really know???? Seriously, after all this time I still kind of don’t get why this is a thing, but also it’s become obvious to me that no matter what else I do with my life, and whatever success I might have, the Chris Gates Advent Calendar Campaign (CGACCâ’¸) is probably what I will be remembered for the most. And I’m actually okay with that. Better for this than for all the murders.
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It’s a bit of fun, kind of an antidote to the sickly sweet consumer capitalist clusterfuck we all have to go through at this time of year, so get on board if you like. I love it when people join in, you know, for the most part. There are some people I merely tolerate, and you all know who you are.
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You are also, of course, welcome not to participate in or pay attention to the CGACCâ’¸, I would understand completely if you decide to unfollow me for a few weeks while I get this out of my system. It has annoyed people in the past, it will do so again.
But whatever you do, dear reader, whether out of joy, anger, confusion or jealousy, please try not to be a cunt about it.
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Holidays are coming.
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*Me, I’m talking about me
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**google it, grandma
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***apart from last year, wow, I’d almost forgotten that some crazy people paid me for this shit, thank you SO MUCH for your donations)
Advent Calendar Door 1: It’s a snowman!
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Boom! Right out of the gate with a classic! Whatever else happens later, we can always remember that it started out well, like the Game Of Thrones TV show or all marriages.
This particular snowman is a pretty high-end iteration; large, round bottom half (made of snow) and smaller, round, top half (also made of snow, hence: snowman) with coal buttons, eyes, jaunty top hat, scarf and, confusingly, a broom. Well, perhaps he is a witch-snowman. A witchman! No, sorry, a snow-witch*. I’m tired.
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Or maybe he’s got a job, a cleaner or chimney sweep or something; one likes to see a utilitarian snowman in these days of gross elitism. So unlike the freeloading specimen from the eponymous Snowman cartoon who, let us remind ourselves, did nothing to earn his keep, but rather stole into the home of a sleeping family, manhandled their fruit and rifled through their personal possessions (in the room in which they slept) took a motorbike for a joy ride and then ABDUCTED A CHILD. And then, reader, then he takes that child to a special little island for a special party where he is presented to an old white man.
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Why is this even a child’s cartoon and not, say, a true crime documentary? What example are we setting? Are these the actions of a magical childhood friend, or Ghillaine Maxwell?
Gosh, that’s a cheery thought to start the season isn’t it? Hopefully you’ll all have forgotten by the time it comes to watch The Snowman with the family.
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Happy December folks, it’s good to be back.
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*the cold didn’t bother him anyway
Comments
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Lex - Just when I thought The Snowman couldn't get any darker...
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Chris Gates - Everything can always get darker, Lex
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Spencer - Strong start. I’ve got a good feeling about this one
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Alexi - Not the child abduction!
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Miles - I feel like I've come home after 11 months and 7 days away.
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Johnny - Welcome back, sir.
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Roz -IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!
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Rob - Very strong start although already feeling it’s lulling is into a false sense of security for when the set of spanners appear on the 6th
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Lex - This is a good start, but I feel like we need to talk about the juxtaposition between a top hat, which was a clear status symbol and the broom in his hand. Why does an upper class snowman need to sweep anything? Does he not have a snowman in a flat cap to do that sort of thing?
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Chris Gates - YES! I was going to get into this, but also I'm trying to stop the posts wanging on too long. It's a bit pretentious isn't it? A bit gross. Like back in the naughties when posh people would have Chav parties.
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Dan - Been waiting all year for this - so far living up to expectations
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Phillipa - Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh .... It begins.
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Emily -Child abduction on day 1. This is going to escalate quickly!!
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Jem - Been waiting all year for this!!
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Rachel - You have ruined my childhood with this post. Merry Christmas.
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Chris Gates - You. Are. Welcome
Advent Calendar Door 2: It’s a cat in a Santa hat!
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Ugh, I despair, I really do. Like, okay, fine, yes this is objectively adorable; a cute little tabby cat in a tiny Santa hat? Yeah, I get it, I’m not made of stone. But also, and more importantly, this is some bullshit and I’m NOT HAVING IT.
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Okay breathe. Come on, Chris, use your words.
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Look. In the world of advent calendars, (and it IS a world, lots of little worlds, like 24 little Narnias) there are two kinds of valid advent calendar picture: either a picture must be an inherently Christmassy object or scene, like candy cane or Father Christmas delivering presents, OR ELSE it must be a Christmassy variation of a non-Christmassy object or scene, like an AK47 wrapped in tinsel or the Loch Ness monster singing Christmas carols. And I’ll give a shiny sixpence* to whoever can tell me the name of this law
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And so this cat/Santa hat combo IS valid, but my question is, why even go there when you have LITERALLY HUNDREDS of inherently Christmassy pictures to choose from? And If you ARE going to go to the effort of dreaming up something new, then why not dream a little bigger.
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It’s a worry for me, because this is only door number 2, and already the artist is clutching at straws, and once that starts happening it generally doesn’t stop and CAN lead to, well, I don’t want to disturb you all this early in the morning but there’s no way of sugar coating this: they might start using pictures which a not Christmassy AT ALL.
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And God help me if that happens.
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God help us all.
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*Of course I won’t, not in this economy.
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Mill - Isn't the main picture lots of dogs? Maybe the artist thinks they need to balance it out with cats so as to appease both the 'dog people' and the 'cat people'? (NB these are purely terms expressing preference for one animal over the other, and not a suggestion of the existence of some sort of new hybrid races. As much as I enjoy the thought of advent calendar artists everywhere having to bow down before their animal/human overlords)
Spencer - Hang on, didn’t we have #catgate in last year’s #CGACC?
Chris Gates - Oh god, yes. There was a whole cat fetish last year. Three cats, all, I believe, Christmassy cats, but it was nonetheless an ordeal. Let’s hope this artist isn’t also a crazy cat person
Also, CGACCâ’¸
Spencer - Does the © stand for ‘cat’?
Chris Gates - It honestly might do tbh
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Lex - Cats would not be seen dead in any kind of a hat, let alone a Santa hat.
I know the name of the law. That officially makes me a #CGACCâ’¸ nerd and, whilst I enjoy this yearly emotional meltdown of yours, this makes me feel a bit like I need to rethink my life.
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Miranda -My cat would totally endorse this calendar entry and would wear the shit out of any Santa hat. Jus’ sayin’.
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Chris Gates - Your cat, and I mean this with all due respect, can fuck off
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Miranda - Tbf, he did put me in hospital and kill a brand new £300 tv. Psycho Jones we call him. Slasher Jones also works. He’s got your card marked.
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Chris Gates - Girl, break up with him. He doesn’t deserve you.
Advent Calendar Door 3: It’s three children leaning out of a window.
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Fuck. My. Life. What?
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I mean…WHAT?
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Three children. Leaning. Out of a window. AND NOTHING ELSE. Jesus Christ. This is a nightmare.
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Okay, so, the calendar as a whole, as you can see in my cover photo, is a row of houses above shops, and it’s set in an idyllic Victorian era Christmas. It’s fucking amazing. So this window that the children are leaning out of is one of the windows of the houses. The window was shut, and now it is open, and these three smug brats are leaning out of it, smiling up at me as if I should be impressed.
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And, reader, I am decidedly not. Because neither the children, nor the window, nor the very room they are in, are, in even the remotest sense of the word, Christmassy.
Seriously, what is even going on right now? This is not even the third door and already the magic is dead. This might be the one that finally breaks me, people.
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Now, I know what your thinking, (I always know what you’re thinking, that is my curse) you’re thinking ‘Ah, but Chris, surely if the children are leaning out of the window of a house on a very Christmassy street, are they not inherently part of that Christmassy scene and THEREFORE is this not, by your own rules*, a valid advent calendar picture?’
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Well, no, of course not. Imagine me dressed as Santa Claus (and I apologise for the arousal this image will cause you) and as part of my costume I have a plain, gold pocket-watch. It is a nice addition to the overall costume, but not Christmassy its own right. I could not attend a Christmas costume party naked with solely the pocket watch (strategically placed, perhaps) as my costume, could I? (Again, apologies for the arousal, but hey it’s the weekend. Fill your boots.) Indecency aside, it just wouldn’t be very Christmassy would it?
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So no, reader, this doesn’t count. A valid advent calendar picture must be Christmassy in and of itself, adding to, not merely relying on, the Christmassyness of the advent calendar**
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So yeah, that’s you told. Get back in your box.
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*the second law of advent calendar dynamics by the way, no one stepped forward yesterday and I am deeply disappointed with all of you
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**this is now the third law of advent calendar dynamics, the first law being “chocolate advent calendars are stupid and you’re stupid for liking them you big stupid”
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Comments:
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Nerys - I am disturbed by the suggestion that we should deal with our arousal by filling our boots. That's a mighty big arousal.
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Chris Gates - I know my audience
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Nerys - Also, it should be someone else's boots, surely? Someone who's been naughty.
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Spencer- Are they definitely children or just small men who are also wise? This would change things (based on MY rules)
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Rob - All three of them leaning out of the same window at the same time. Doesn’t sound very wise to me.
Lex -I am disappointed that this has gone downhill so fast.
Also, I am never inviting you to a fancy dress party
Chris Gates - Fair
Stuart - Belter of a calendar this year though eh. I feel like I could forgive anything that comes through each day as a result.
Dan - Every year I forget you are going to do this, and every year I am delighted.
Delighted. By your suffering.
Chris Gates - That does seem to be the appeal, yeah
Quartz- I think that the offer of, and then withdrawal of, the shiny sixpence, might have been what caused people not to step forward to share their knowledge of the sacred rules
Advent Calendar Door 4: It’s a family and they are DECKING THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY!
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YAAAAAAAS! And, moreover, Fa-La La-La La La-La La La! My heart is full of Christmas joy and all is right with the world again.
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I mean, I’ve got a serious case of whiplash from the change of direction here, from Not Christmassy At All to One of the Most Christmassy Things a Thing Can Be. But you know me, I’m not one to complain.
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But do you SEE though? Do you SEE the possibilities? It could ALL be this; 24 little exhibitions of perfect Christmassyness, all this other crap like shoes, dead children (#CGACC2016 Never Forget) or, god help us all, a swan.
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One of these days, and I think the day is coming soon, I’ll make my own sodding advent calendar, and then you’l see. And then you’ll ALL see.
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Comments
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Nerys - "Yule: C" would be a great name for your own advent calendar.
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Rachel - Literally whispered a little 'oh thank god' when I saw the family were doing a Christmassy thing.
Advent Calendar Door 5: It’s children opening presents!
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Two of them, two children, fully alive (always a good sign), surrounded by wrapping paper, one playing a small trumpet and with a toy elephant tucked under his arm, the other wrestling with a long package of some sort, both dressed in era-appropriate, creepy, massive, white nightgowns, which make whoever wears them seems like a ghost in a haunted house movie.
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Not the MAIN ghost, perhaps, just one of the little jump scare ghosts that run through the back of a shot towards the end of the first act, do you know what I mean? The protagonist doesn’t see them, it’s just to let the audience know that things are not all well at the old Johnson place. They might sing a sad nursery rhyme in a high little voice at some point, which the protagonist follows through the house until eventually they find the little ghost child, all dressed in white, with their back to the door, seemingly playing with their toys, and as the protagonist approaches, the nursery rhyme comes to an end, there’s a silence, and then the protagonist, like a fucking moron, says ‘Who are you, where’s your mommy?’ (because they’re American), and the little ghost pauses in their play and says something like ‘mummy’s in the cellar’ (because the ghost in English, the creepiest kind of ghost) or maybe they just start crying and the protagonist (again, like a FUCKING MORON) squats down to the little ghost’s level, says something comforting, reaches out a hand, and the ghost turns round and BOOM ITS A CACKLING OLD WOMAN.
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That’s the kind of nightgown I’m talking about.
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Okay, good. You know for a minute, and I’m talking a full 60 seconds here, I didn’t get that they were opening presents, I just saw that one kid playing the trumpet and I was like ‘great, it’s just children being pricks, what else is new?’ But no, these children are being pricks AT CHRISTMAS, which is really what it’s all about.
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Comments
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Johnny - I think for a moment there you were writing "A Conjuring Christmas". I love it.
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Chris Gates - Who says I’m not?
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Lex - What kind of an arsehole gives a kid a trumpet for Christmas??
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Tamsin - Not the child’s own parent. Obviously!
Advent Calendar Door 6: It’s a Christmas stocking!
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Ahhh, yeah, that’s the good stuff. Classic red stocking with furry white trim and stuffed full of presents, the way god intended. Or rather, I suppose, the way Father Christmas intended?? I forget which is which. One of the beard ones.
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But yes, the joy of a Christmas stocking is probably in the top 10 things about Christmas is it not? Like, I wouldn’t say that my motivation for staying in a relationship was ENTIRELY so that I’d have someone to swap stockings with on Christmas morning (not out loud anyway) but it’s definitely one of the benefits, although obviously mainly it’s because of love and blah blah blah.
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If I were to offer a teensy criticism, and I do so with a heavy heart, it’s that it’s kind of a little early in the season for Christmas stockings isn’t it? And also, really, from a narrative point of view, it doesn’t exactly make sense to have this picture AFTER the children opening their presents does it? Stockings come first, don’t they? That’s a universal constant like gravity or Matt Hancock’s mediocrity.
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Also, and I wasn’t going to complain about it yesterday because I was just relieved it was a Christmassy picture, but it’s also far far too early for children opening presents isn’t it? I mean, we’re not even into double digits here, it’s too early even for office secret Santa presents i.e. the lowest and meanest form of Christmas present there is: “Oh, wow, someone got me the ultra-flammable reindeer socks that that came free with the novelty Christmas mug their nan got them last Christmas. I bet it was Steve from accounts, what a legend.”
And if it’s too early for them, it’s too early for stocking and it’s CERTAINLY too early for bona fide Christmas presents.
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Are there no STANDARDS anymore? *harrumph*
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Comments:
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Phil - They might have European heritage and therefore celebrate St Nicholas day where he comes on the 6th with presents.
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Chris Gates - Listen Phil, I may have voted Remain, and this calendar may have been made in Europe, but Brexit means Brexit.
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Lex - My thought process:
Too early? Perhaps. But Chris, you're forgetting the office secret Sant....ohhhhh. Nope, you've got that covered. Not even double digits. Fair point, well made.
I remain optimistic about this calender. There's always the worry that it has reached it's Christmassy climax too soon and its all downhill from there, rather like hearing Wham in the pound shop on December 1st. But I remember the stark year of the Christmas murder scene and nothing but badgers and rabbits and so I remain hopeful.
Nerys - I drew myself in the office secret santa this year, which means that I should have put my name back in the hat and drawn another, but screw that - I'm getting myself something nice *and* over budget. And I will look surprised unwrapping it, too. *smugface*
Advent Calendar Day 7: It’s children playing music on a balcony!
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Okay. Alright. I see how this is going to play out. For you see, every advent calendar has its own ‘thing’; some years it’s woodland animals, some years, some years it’s cats, some years, god help us all, it’s shoes, and some years the ‘thing’ may even be something Christmassy, like a Christmas tree, but every year the ‘thing’ has one important thing in common: it ruins my December.
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This year, the thing seems to be children. Specifically children being loud, which is the worst (and possibly the only?) form of child. And yes, children experiencing Christmas is supposed to be a wonderful, magical, life affirming thing, but do they HAVE to do it on my advent calendar? Repeatedly? Behind every door?
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And while I’m kind of low-key impressed that they’ve managed to form a band at that age, I do worry that they’re too young to be perusing a musical career. I just feel that it rarely ends well. Half of them will be in rehab in 20 years or so.
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But for now they’re here, on my advent calendar, ruining everything, but at least they’re having fun I guess.
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Merry Christmas everyone
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#RIPAARONCARTER
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Advent Calendar Door 8: It’s a child holding some snowballs!
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Yep. Called it. This is gonna be a brat-heavy calendar. Ah well, I’m not gonna make the mistake of previous years and let it rile me up. You just watch. I’m so gonna be so chill about this, you guys. You’re gonna start calling me the Ice Man, which is dumb because really you should call me the snowman because, you know, Christmas, but then, as we discussed earlier (check your notes) The Snowman is not really as wholesome a character as he’s drawn, particularly in respect of his behaviour around children, so…call me Mr Frosty. Much better role model because a) He’s such fun and b) He makes drinks for everyone.
What more IS there?
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Yeeeeeah, *puts on sunglasses* Mr Frosty
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So, this fucking child then.
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She’s looking out of the picture, up at the viewer, and If I were to describe her expression, and I’m just about to so prepare yourselves, I would call it arch. She is archly holding these snowballs; holding them with intent to throw. She came, as they say, to play.
‘But Chris’ I hear you say, with more of your fucking attitude, ‘Is it Christmassy?’
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No. No it is not. In the first place, in and of itself, snow is not Christmassy. It is seasonal, not festive. It can make a nice addition to an already Christmassy scene, but is never the Christmassy element of that scene. And so snowballs are not Christmassy either, I would go so far as to say that snowballs are anti-Christmassy, being, as they are, weaponised snow. Christmas is about peace weapons are instruments of war, and so this, frankly, is an abomination.
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It’s only door 8, folks. This could get nasty.
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Comments
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Lex - That awkward moment when you miss the swans.
Advent Calendar Door 9: It’s children holding Christmas presents on a balcony!
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Yep. Here we go again. Three children, moody children today, like, moody as models on an H&M poster, that special kind of expression halfway between anger and ennui, the one they teach in continental fashion schools which says “your ugliness offends us, cover yourself up for god’s sake”.
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They’re sitting on a balcony, these children (again, the door has opened a window of one of the houses, which is something I actually really like about this calendar, and would actively be enjoying if not for the the artist so spectacularly dropping the ball here, like, show me something else, anything, families, single people, old people, maybe someone getting in from work or making dinner; make the most of your form for fuck same. Can YOU remember what I was talking about when I opened these brackets? Ah yes) and they’re holding festively wrapped presents; red and green boxes tied with bows, but, and I can’t stress this enough, they are not remotely happy about it. If anything they’re vaguely depressed, disillusioned, perhaps, with the gross consumer capitalism of the season. Or maybe just being ungrateful little shits. C’est les enfants.
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Advent Calendar Door 10: It’s a wicker basket full of chocolate and gingerbread!
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That, in any case, is what I’ve decided this is meant to be, because actually what it looks like at first glance is a basket of coal and machine parts, but on closer inspection (and, moreover, on rational reflection) I believe these are Lebkuchen, which are a German confection I urge you to seek out and experience.
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Mainly I’m just so relieved that this isn’t another group of children that I’d have been happy even it had been a basket of coal, which is something that Fortnum & Mason sell I believe; rich people give them to naughty children for Christmas.
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We’re in double digits now, which is always exciting. As a kid, opening door number 10 felt like a Big Deal, like a threshold had been crossed. Basically, the most important doors of an advent calendar are 1 (the first, kicking everything off) 10 (double digits achieved) 12 (the half way point) 20 (20s achieved, not long to go) then 24 for obvious reasons. As long and THOSE DOORS are Christmassy, for me, then the calendar’s not a total failure. Such a low bar, isn’t it? Let’s see how this pans out.
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Advent Calendar Door 11: It’s a child baking a thing.
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Don’t know what it’s meant to be, frankly don’t care. A thing. A baked thing. Baked by a child.
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One thing I can say with certainty is that the thing is not a Christmas thing. Frankly, I’m sick of it. It’s a Sunday morning, I’ve got a rare day off work and here I am, being forced (yes, forced) to describe an advent calendar picture, and the artist doesn’t even have the decency to make give it a bit of festive pazazz, all it would take is a sprig of holly on top of the thing and BOOM we’re in Christmas town.
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And today, reader, today is the day that I get my Christmas tree AND there’s a tiny chance it might snow later so I have NO TIME for anything that isn’t full on Christmassy.
So, sorry kid, today is not your day. Throw your baked thing in the bin, your efforts have been wasted.
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Comments
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Johnny - “don't know what it's meant to be, frankly don't care". I spat out my tea.
Lex - Ok, so we all know where this is going now. Are we talking Midwytch Cuckoo's here or the Children of the Corn?
Advent Calendar Door 12: It’s elves putting up Christmas decorations!
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Okay. So it’s not elves it’s children again, but I’ve decided that I can’t stand another twelve (12) days of reporting on the activities of children, and so I’m going to pretend that I’m seeing elves. I’m suspending my perception of what is real, entering into a voluntary delusion, much like people do when they watch a movie or vote Conservative
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So, these elves then. They’re balancing on a ladder, placed precariously on a balcony, and confusingly one of them is wearing shorts and a t-shirt, despite the time of year. The lights, it must be said are kind of shite, just big round white bulbs, but this calendar is set in the late 19th century, so to these elves the lights are probably pretty fancy. Fucking idiots.
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That time of year though innit? Here we are, people, it’s the half way point and there has been SNOW which for me is the stuff of dreams at this time of year, although obviously, I mean, of all the fucking years there could have been snow did it have to with all this other stuff going on? Still though, to have a Christmas tree up while there is literally snow on the ground is not something I’ve experienced (as far as i remember) since I was a child. Sorry, I mean since I was an elf.
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Holidays are coming
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Comments
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Nerys - If this calendar is set in Victorian times, then what you have is a picture of a child in its underwear.
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Chris Gates - Thanks Ner, I'm on a list now
Advent Calendar Day 13: It’s a hedgehog and a squirrel!
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Nope.
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Comments
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Spencer - At this point I’m just going to assume that they are the children’s dæmons that have been severed from them.
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Mark - Squirrels don't hibernate but hedgehogs do, so that's nothing short of offensive.
Advent Calendar Door 14: It’s two children lying awake in bed!
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Ugh, if I hadn’t already used my one ‘Nope’ card of the year yesterday I’d be using it now. I DO think this has potential as a Christmassy picture, like, not being able to sleep at Christmas as a kid is definitely something I still remember. We all do, right? Truth be told, I have never slept well on Christmas Eve, even now, although I suppose these days it’s less to do with excitement and more to do with being a bit pissed.
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It’s nighttime in the picture, the lights are out, and these kids are wide awake and smiling. Which is my first problem with this picture, because it I don’t remember being HAPPY that I was still awake on Christmas Eve. As a kid, what you want is to get into bed, pass out immediately, and then BOOM you’re waking up on Christmas morning.
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This picture doesn’t capture the FRUSTRATION of trying to sleep, not being able to, but ALSO not wanting to get up or turn on the light or sit up because Father Christmas could be here ANY SECOND and you don’t want to spook him. It’s not a happy experience.
Also, and I hate to be a stickler, there needs to be Christmas stockings in this scene for this to be a valid ACDP*, because otherwise this is just a picture of two insomniacs and there is NOTHING festive about that.
So no, this picture, and these children, can fuck the fuck off.
*Advent Calendar Door Picture, do keep up
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Advent Calendar Door 15: It’s Christmas presents!
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Wooooo! Yes! Finally, it seems like forever since we had a good, old fashioned, baubles-to-the-wall Christmassy picture. And let me tell you, these are some high end looking gifts, red paper speckled with green, wrapped in a green and gold bow. The kind of present that Santa himself might give to the hero of a Christmas movie, after they open it and it’s the P-E-R-F-E-C-T thing.
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Which is the problem with this kind of present presentation and why I prefer people to make zero effort with their wrapping. It doesn’t do to build up expectations. Like, let’s not mess around here, you haven’t bought a magic whistle that brings the Christmas spirit to all who hear it, you aren’t giving someone their grandmother’s recipe for stollen which was thought to be lost forever, you haven’t bought them plane tickets so they can fly to where their estranged daughter lives so they can finally reconcile with her. You have, in all probability, bought them socks, or whatever was 3 for 2 in Boots, or just grabbed an armful from the middle aisle of Lidl. Don’t pretend you’ve done otherwise. It’s cruel.
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On another note, I’m doing my Christmas shopping today so, yeah, don’t get your hopes up.
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Comments
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Amy - Middle of lidl is elite to be fair
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Rachel - Well this post is a nice little preview of Christmas day this year.
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Chris Gates - Expectations managed
Advent Calendar Door 16: It’s a Christmas Tree!
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Controversial, my friends. Con. Tro. Ver. Sial.
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In the advent calendar describing business, and it IS a business, the big question is always ‘what’s behind door 24’?, and the main contenders, the heavy hitters, are always tiny Jesus, the man himself Santa C, and, you guessed it, the tall green needly boi of Chiristmas, your friend and mine, der Tannanbaum.
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So, to have one of the Big Three here means that it can’t be behind door 24, because for all its faults, this calendar doesn’t repeat images.
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Now, the last time I had a calendar of this make (Coppenrath, if you’d like to know) there was a baby Jesus with a STRIKING resemblance to Donald Trump behind door 24. This was in the year of our Lord 2016 where everything started going properly to shit, and I always felt a sense of personal responsibility for that. Because the Jesus behind that door was surely the Antichrist and it was I who released him upon the world.
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So hopefully, reader, HOPEFULLY, the Jesus behind this final door, if Jesus it be, will be the proper one, the Anti-antichrist if you will, and we can start putting things right with the world once more.
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Or maybe it’ll be Santa, and then who gives a fuck what happens because at least there’ll be PRESENTS.
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Comments
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Phil - The anti-antichrist is my favourite line this year
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Advent Calendar Door 17: It’s a li’l gingerbread man!
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He so tiny.
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I’ve spent the last couple of days making batches of stollen, while my partner also makes chocolate covered gingerbread, so I’ve been snacking on marzipan and sugary crumbs, eating almost nothing else, so I’ve already entered that over-sugared Christmassy state where anything savoury feels like a health food.
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Seriously I just had a peperami, and my body rejoiced at the salt. Like I’m about to have an avocado and it feels like something a fitness guru would do.
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Move over Joe Wicks, the CGACCâ’¸ has discovered vegetables.
Advent Calendar Door 18: It’s a father and his daughter on a balcony!
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So, this is another door-that-opens-a-window pictures, which have largely been a drastically shite let down so far, but this time the artist has had the decency to include a Christmas tree in the background, and the daughter is dressed in red and green, so this passes the legitimacy test. The inclusion of a Christmas tree basically means that anything goes, this could be a father throwing his child off the balcony, and I’d still be happy, from a Christmassy vibe-check point of view.
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And do you know what? Maybe it’s because I’ve already started getting into the Christmas spirit (drinking in the day) but I actually find this picture kind of heartwarming, the father leaning against the frame of the balcony window, smiling beneficently down at his daughter as she gazes down at the street. A simple scene. A happy scene. Fuck it, I’m not made of stone.
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Plus, I’ve done ALL of my Christmas shopping, so I’m also feeling a bit smug so there’s that
Advent Calendar Door 19: It’s a wreath!
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Finally, can’t BELIEVE it’s taken this long. And let me tell you, this wreath is a BEAUT. It’s a candle holder wreath, fashioned of fir tree branches, as all the best wreathes surely are, and it’s mounted with four, long white candles. The whole thing hangs from four golden ribbons and is surrounded a soft, glowing halo of light. Candlelight, of course.
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This is gorgeous, if, in all honesty, a health and safety NIGHTMARE, those ribbons are 100% catching fire and ruing someone’s Christmas in a potentially life threatening way, but very pretty nonetheless the less. An extremely attractive death trap.
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Mill Valentine - gotta say this calendar is really starting to bring the Christmas in this final week, and i don't want to speak too soon, but i am feeling quietly confident that this may be the calendar that is in the lead in terms of following all the CGACC(C) rules of advent calendars...
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Advent Calendar Door 21: It’s a father and daughter doing nothing even remotely Christmassy!
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Now look, just because I got all sentimental the other day about ‘the simple happy scene’ of a father and daughter just hanging out, don’t think FOR A SECOND that I’m about to give this nonsense a free pass, like, I might be getting in the Christmas spirit and my heart may have grown three sizes, but there is a fucking LIMIT to what I am prepared to accept. And this is about two miles past that limit.
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Just to be clear, this is a picture of a father sitting with his daughter standing on his knee and he’s holding both of her hands with his to keep her balance. And that’s it. Nothing else in the picture. No Christmas tree or holly, they’re not wearing red and green or putting up decorations or doing literally any of the hundreds of legitimately Christmassy things they could be doing. They’re just hanging out. Being a regular, loving, family. Utter bullshit.
Jonny -And just to be clear, your heart grows 3 sizes, it's not a Christmas miracle, it's a serious fucking medical condition.
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Comments:
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Lex - Oh come on. The artist is clearly just fucking with us now
Advent Calendar Door 22: It’s a family being stalked by Father Christmas!
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Let me explain.
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So, it’s a mother, father and two children out on a balcony. The father who’s dressed something like a cowboy, is leaning against the balcony’s arch, arms folded, head down, unsmiling, standing with legs crossed at the ankle. He doesn’t see Father Christmas standing behind them. He won’t see him in time.
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Mother is wearing a blue, all in one hat and scarf; a silk turban configuration, but extended so that it wraps around her neck, she also wears a long blue overcoat loosely belted at the waist. Coyly, she holds an indecipherable small object, the shape of a halved avocado but with some kind of strap. She is looking straight out of the picture at the observer. She cannot see Father Christmas standing behind them. She won’t see him in time.
The two children, dressed respectively in red and green, are carrying for tree branches and Christmas presents, too caught up in their activity to notice Father Christmas standing behind them. They won’t see him in time.
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Then we have Father Christmas. Standing behind them. Framed in the French windows which lead on to the balcony, the doors stand ajar and he seems to be reaching through the gap, pushing some small object, I’m not saying it’s a gun but it could be a gun. Looming tall, a clear foot taller than any of the rest of them, expressionless beneath his snowy beard.
My friends, I think we’re witnessing the moments ahead of a festive murder. Tragic. Mysterious. Horrifying.
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But also, to my great relief with Christmas around the corner, very very Christmassy.
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Comments
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Rachel Festively red murder scene perpetrated by Father Christmas behind door 24 ftw!
...wait... Father Christmas leaning over a balcony, staring down at a child - no, several children, impaled on a Christmas tree on the street below, is my Christmas wish for door 24. and the final, uppermost child is the baby Jesus.
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Chris Gates - One can only hope
Advent Calendar Door 23: It’s a rocking horse!
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Are rocking horses Christmassy? Blah blah blah, I’ll allow it but I’m not happy about it.
Anyway, more importantly today: a correction.
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Yesterday I made some pretty big allegations against Father Christmas, possibly the biggest allegation a person can make, and I did so on faulty evidence. I would like to apologise, partly because candour and accountability are values I hold dear, but mainly so that i don’t get coal for Christmas, which is what I believe the punishment is for falsely accusing Santa of murder.
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Yesterday’s door was a double door, also a balcony door, which have been a feature of this calendar. The closed doors depicted one scene behind a window of a house, the action of opening the advent calendar door opens said window, revealing a different scene. It’s actually a very neat little device, and despite all my humbuggery (yes, I know, but now is not the time) I have enjoyed these pictures greatly.
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The truth is, in the case of this double door, I mistakenly opened just one of them, and so what I was reporting was half of one scene and half of another. Which lead me to cast aspersions on my boy Father C.
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In the original, unopened scene, you have two children asleep in bed in a room with a Christmas tree to the left, and the parents standing disinterestedly out on the balcony with Father Christmas in the background sneaking in to carry out his traditional non-murdering duty on the right.
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In the fully opened scene, the children are out of bed and on the balcony with their fir branch and presents, Father Christmas is gone and the parents are standing there carrying a veritable tower of presents and grinning with great beneficence. No one, I repeat, no one has been murdered by Father Christmas. Not that I can prove anyhow.
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That’s the scene that I should have reported yesterday, and to not have done so represents a severe dereliction of duty.
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‘But Chris’ I hear you say, in that fucking tone of yours ‘how do you only open one door of a pair of double doors? Literally what is wrong with you?’
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Well, in the continued spirit of candour, I confess that I was going out of town for a few days on the 19th and so opened a few doors in advance to take pictures of them, so as not to have to take the calendar with me and risk either damaging it or getting glitter over literally all my clothes. In my haste, and because I was tired, I made the error that I made and we are now in the situation we are in.
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I apologise. When these mistakes were made, they affected you and, even more directly, Father Christmas and, even more more directly, my chances of getting presents this year. Hopefully I have repaired any damage I may have done.
Happy Christmas Eve-Eve everyone. Mind how you go.
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Comments
Mill - I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. Whilst I accept your apology, the real shocker here is that you would have opened doors in advance of their date, which feels to me like the major sin of advent calendar etiquette. However I understand your reasoning, and in the spirit of Christmas you may be forgiven.
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Also I was really enjoying the idea of the scene you described with the murderous Father Christmas, and now that joy has been ripped away from me. A little light has gone out in my heart.
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You've let the CGACC (c) fans down, you've let yourself down, but most importantly you've let Christmas down.
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Lex - You've let the calendar down, you've let the readers down, you've let Father Christmas down. But most importantly, Chris, you've let ME down. I won't lecture. I think we've all learned something today.
Advent Calendar Door 24: It’s two children looking in through a balcony window at a Christmas Tree!
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Ah, that’s a shame. No anti-antichrist this year after all, so it looks as if we’re stuck with the way things are for now. Hey ho.
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So they’re out on the balcony, these children, gazing in through the closed French windows at the tree, which is festooned* with candles, in the old, romantic, health and safety nightmare kind of way.
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I’m worried about these children, they seem to be locked out in the balcony, helplessly peering in, and even though children have been annoying me consistently throughout this calendar, I wouldn’t go so far as to say I wish them harm. I almost certainly wouldn’t say that.
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First of all, they’re both dressed in little sailor outfits which, while some would describe as adorable, will be doing NOTHING to stave off the winter cold. There’s a very good chance this kids will freeze to death.
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More to the point though, and here’s the real concern, if they ARE locked out, what happens when this tree inevitably catches fire? Tree burns down. Apartment burns down. Balcony burns down. Children get some temporary relief from their encroaching frostbite, let’s quickly note that down in the pros column, but then they will either burn to death or else take their chances by hurling themselves from the balcony, at the very least that’ll be a couple of broken bones and maybe some internal bleeding, but also, there’s every chance they might be in for a bit o’ the old death.
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Now, I hate to sound negative, I really do, but in terms of bringing about some Christmassy vibes I would describe the death of children as ‘less than ideal’. So hopefully this situation resolves itself, because I imagine in terms of logistics alone arranging two funerals over Christmas would be horrendous. Although hopefully there’d be some sort of festive discount or 2-for-1 special available so that might lessen the sting a wee bit.
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Anyway, that’s it for this year, possibly forever who’s to say?
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Thanks for joining me once again for the advent calendar themed breakdown which is the CGACCâ’¸. It’s been…well, let’s just say it’s been. Your support, however grudging, has been much appreciated.
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I hope whatever Christmas means, or doesn’t mean, for you, and whatever awaits you tomorrow, that you manage at least a few moments of joy. Mind how you go, treacle.
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Peace & Goodwill
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Chris
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*those of you playing CGACCâ’¸ bingo can now, at long last, cross out the word ‘festooned’
Comments
Mill - Hurrah for 'potentially dead children'! Having followed the CGACC(C) for many years now, I can safely say that *that* is what Christmas means to me, and I thank you for your service. Merry Christmas to you sir. xx
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Miles - What a ride!!!
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Jonny - Brilliant as always. Thank you, Chris. And a very Merry Christmas to you.
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Roz - The clues were there all along! Like an Agatha Christie - when you go back, you realise it was all there. The obsession with balconies, the disinterested parents, the metaphor of Father Christmas looming over them. I, for one, cannot wait for the next instalment of Midsummer Murder Calendars.
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Mark - Brilliant stuff, as always! Happy Christmas, mate. Enjoy!
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Lex - It's been emotional. There have been tears, laughter, hurt, forgiveness. But most importantly, no swans.
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Thanks for taking us with you on your annual Christmas meltdown.
Happy Christmas to you and yours.x
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Rachel - tbf: there's loads of kid death in the original nativity.
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Chris Gates - True. In that sense and others this is a well Christmassy picture and I feel very lucky