#CGACC2021
"I'm gonna make him an Advent Calendar he can't refuse."
First thing's first, let's address the elephant in the room: What happened to 2020? Welp, much like everything else that year (the year of the COVID Pandemic, did they have that where you're from?) the CGACC© took a little hiatus.
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Instead, I wrote a project called the Advent Imaginarium, which was a much different beast, a whole other kind of elephant if you will. Still using the advent calendar as a prompt, I wrote a piece of short fiction every day and published that instead. At this time, the Imaginarium is not available anywhere here, but I might publish it in another form some day.
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Anyway: Back to the CGACC©
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2021 was, as you will see, the year when the Advent Calendar Mafia finally moved against me. The fools.
Friends. My dear, dear friends. Hello. How are you?
No, seriously, enough about me for a second, how are you doing, chicken? How’s every little thing? Take a moment, take a breath, and tell me what’s going on with you.
Got a bit of S.A.D going on maybe?
Kind of feeling ‘meh’ about the end of another year?
Getting the sense that the world is sliding inexorably towards a swirling vortex of chaos and destruction and all you can really do is watch in horror as everything you know and love is slowly transmuted into cataclysmic hellscape, because while you want to be a proactive and conscientious citizen of planet earth, the fact is that you, like all of us, are hopelessly locked into a consumerist, disaster capitalist nightmare where any morality you manage to keep hold of just sits heavily on your chest, pinning you down like a grinning sleep paralysis demon? Feeling a wee bit chilly, perhaps?
Well, never fear, and, moreover, shut up now please, because the festive season will soon be upon us.
Now, we all have our various feelings about Christmas, some good and some bad, but Christmas is not the only thing, and certainly not the best thing, that this time of year is all about.
Some of you, of course, already know exactly what I’m talking about, and that’s fine and everything, well done you, but don’t let it go to your head, alright? Smugness is a most unbecoming characteristic and frankly I expect better of you*
But a fair number of you will simply have no idea what I’m talking about, and how could you? Look at you, poor thing, you don’t know anything. It’s to these pitiful wretches I’d like to speak now.
For, you see, this year is in fact the TENTH MOTHERFUCKING ANNIVERSARY of a little thing called the Chris Gates Advent Calendar Campaign (or, as I insist on calling it, to the point where I’m actually kind of a dick about it, the CGACC©)
So, what, in the name of Christ’s third testicle, is the CGACC©? A fair question, if a little oddly put. Let me break it down.
Ahem.
From the first of December until Christmas Eve, I, Chris Gates, award winning writer and poet, post up a daily description of what is behind my advent calendar door and you…well, you, ya lucky dog, are welcome. Please, put your bitcoins away, this is a public service for me and, moreover, an honour.
Seriously though, I’ve been doing this every year since 2011** it kind of has a cult following which, in all honesty, I still don’t entirely understand, but for some people it’s, like, a whole thing, so you can, if you wish, step into Christmas with me.
However. If you decide that it’s not for you, and especially if you think you’ll find it kind of annoying, then I fully give you permission to unfollow me for the next few weeks, but if you DO want to get involved then likes and comments are greatly appreciated, though not mandatory, However, and this is very important, whatever you decide to do, chicken, please, for the love of the little baby Jesus, try not to be a cunt about it.
Holidays are coming, dickheads.
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Chris x
*no I don’t
**apart from last year, but we won’t speak of that here
Advent Calendar Door 1: It’s a scarf!
And we’re off! A decent if slightly underwhelming advent calendar picture to begin with, doesn’t quite have the WOW factor you’d hope for right out of the gate. Nonetheless, it is at least competent, and when you’ve been in the advent calendar description business, and it IS a business, as long as I have, you learn to take your wins where you can.
‘But Chris,’ I hear you say, your words muffled around the handfuls of walnuts you’re greedily cramming into your mouth like the animal you are*, ‘is a scarf really a sufficiently Christmassy enough item to be featured on an advent calendar?’ Which is a very astute question, although pretty fucking impertinent given that I’ve not even described the scarf yet. Let’s not fall out today, okay?
It’s a green scarf with red and white stripes, and little red bobbles on either end. It’s not being worn by anyone, nor is it hanging from a peg or laid out on a table, but rather floating against a pale grey background, as though it’s being carried away by an errant winter wind.
So, you see? No need for you to stick your oar in was there? I do actually know what I’m doing. Although a scarf is not an inherently Christmassy item, being more seasonal than festive, the advent calendar artist, henceforth referred to simply as ‘the artist’, has used the traditional Christmas colours of red, white and green to zhuzh it up a bit. This obeys what we** refer to as Chris’s Second Law of Advent Calendar Dynamics, which you’ll no doubt be hearing more about over the next few weeks, you lucky thing.
That’s all for today, so you can go ahead and get off your phone now. Surely you’ve got better things to be doing. Can’t just cycle through the same four apps all morning as your life passes you by. Come oooon, it’s a beautiful day out there. Mind how you go treacle.
*Welcome to the footnotes. Normally, I’d use this space to give a bit of back story as to why I’m imagining you cramming walnuts into your mouth, but not today. This is just how I see you. Deal with it.
**I’m using the royal ‘we’ here, it’s important to me that you understand that. Important to us.
Comments:
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Lance - I'm worried he's going to peak to early... Pace yourself Chris!!
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Stuart - Not bad. A solid 6.5/10
Chris Gates - Word for word my old Tinder bio.
Lex - I was in fear that this would be some sort of non Christmassy animal. I don't want to get my hopes up this early on. The emotional rollercaster has begun. December is truly here and we can all start day drinking again.
Jonny - Good to have you back, sir. #safepairofhands. I also now know how to spell zhuzh!
Andy- CGCCAC2021© is back! I'm sitting in my room on the 7th day of isolation and this feels like everything is right in the world
Chris Gates - Happy to be of assistance, hope you’re doing alright
But also, check your spelling, it’s the CGACC©.
Andy - Bloody hell, it took me ages to find that copyright thing
Laura - #slowclap yes,Chris. Yes
Quartz - CGCCAC is the only thing I really, truthfully treasure about Christmas. I'm so happy
Chris Gates - I see what you’re doing you know, trying to incur the wrath of the CGACC© with your gross mistyping and lack of copyright symbol. I see you coming a mile off. If you wanna play then come to play.
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Quartz - I also very nearly wrote Xmas to try to wind you up but then didn't
Chris Gates - I admire your restraint
Dylan- Can't wait to scarf down these posts every day of the month (and try to come up with an atrocious pun for every one!)
God speed, sir. God. Speed. [Ed-Reader, he didn’t]
Lyn - NOW it feels like Christmas
Advent Calendar Door 2: It’s baubles!
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Ah! That’s a bit more like it, isn’t it? A clearly Christmassy bit of finery to see us on our way. I mean, it’s far far FAR too early in the game to be certain, but at this point I’m quite tempted to hope that the artist knows what they’re doing.
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Fortunately, ten (10) years of doing the CGACC© has taught me to squash down hope before it can ever blossom. Or, more accurately, to stamp on its head to put it out of its misery, as one might do a mortally wounded pigeon to end its desperate fluttering, to give it the swift release of death. Thus I am eternally protected from disappointment*. True, it comes at the cost of never truly experiencing happiness but there is, as they say, no such thing as a free lunch. Unless of course you’re fond of pigeon.
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So, these baubles then. There are two of them, their shapes somewhere between tear drops and icicles, with the pointed end hanging down. One is green with red and white stripes, the other purple with white, red and green stripes, both have a golden hook-loop coming out the top.
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They’re certainly ticking all my boxes. Though if I were to offer a teensy criticism, and I do so with the heaviest of hearts, it’s that these objects aren’t, as it were, in situ. In as much as they’re not hanging from anything. Much like the scarf from behind the previous door, they are quite eerily floating in a white, blank, liminal space, outside the realm of even a fictional reality. This could possibly be interpreted as laziness on behalf of the artist, and if I begin to suspect that that’s the case then obviously they (and, to a larger extent, you) will feel the untamed force of my fury. On the other hand, and I suspect this is more likely, this is the artist giving a Magrittean wink and roguishly implying ‘c’est ne pas des baubles’. In which case, fair enough. Who could possibly object to a Magrittean wink? Who, I ask you?
We shall soon learn the truth of the situation. Bonne chance, mes amis.
*it’s recently been suggested that I make CGACC© t-shirts, which is quite tempting, and one possible slogan might be ‘The CGACC©: All Hope Must Die.’ I don’t really have a marketing brain though.
Mill - My money's on laziness. Getting my bets in early whilst the odds are still in my favour. Ten years of this and my hope is dead before we even begin. But that's the joy of it. Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the CGACC .
Miles - What does Magrittean mean?
Chris Gates - In the style of Magritte #themoreyouknow
Matt - Come for the jokes, stay for the class.
Dylan - Oh baubles, I almost ran out of time today to make a terrible pun! I'll make an orna-mental note to check in earlier tomorrow
Advent Calendar Door 3: It’s a pair of mittens!
This, dear friends, is some bullshit.
Now, gather round, children, it’s time for everyone’s favourite part of the year: Allow me to explain Chris’s second law of advent calendar dynamics*
The law states, and it states it quite eloquently, that ‘a valid advent calendar picture must either be an inherently Christmassy object or scene, such as a Christmas cracker or carollers singing around a Christmas tree, OR a Christmassy variant of a non Christmassy object or scene, like a dildo wrapped in mistletoe or Metallica singing around a Christmas tree.’
It’s one of those unchangeable, sacred laws of the universe, it’s up there with gravity and the fact that a chicken wrap from a cornershop will always be about 80% lettuce.
So, these mittens then. Well, they’re mittens, so, you know, picture some mittens, and they are patterned with red and white stripes. A classic example of something being seasonal and not festive.
NOW HOLD ON A SECOND, because I sense some of you bouncing up and down in your seats with your hands in the air like a know-it-all student who thinks the teacher’s got something wrong. I AM AWARE that Santa Claus and candy canes are red and white, okay? But so are barber poles and the BBC logo, so is the Polish flag, so is my dad when he gets sunburn, but you’d be pretty non-plussed if you got them on a Christmas card. Some Christmassy things ARE COLOURED RED AND WHITE but that does not mean that ALL RED AND WHITE THINGS are Christmassy.
Look, I would have accepted these mittens if they were solid red with a white, furry trim, a’la Santa’s hat, and I’d have done it with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. Those would clearly be Christmas mittens, and if you wore them outside of December some smart Alec would be all like ‘oi oi! bit early for Christmas isn’t it?’ And in all probability he’d be due to die unloved and alone, but he’d have a point. With gloves that are merely red and white striped, the best he could do would be to say ‘looks like I found Wally lol’. Ugh, fuck this guy, let’s get out of here.
The artist can still win this back, but it’s always troubling to see small mistakes being made this early in the game, typically they point to bigger mistakes farther down the line. We’ve got 21 more doors to go, folks. This is going to be a tense time for all of us.
*the first law being ‘chocolate advent calendars are stupid and you’re stupid for liking them you big stupid.
Guy - Hmmm.... I can see why there may be some confusion here with the second rule. In the second-given example, it's not clear whether the subject is Metallica or the Christmas tree. Clearly if the subject were Metallica alone this would not qualify as Christmasy, but if the subject was the tree alone, it would.
This doesn't excuse the mittens, but I feel this rule needs clarification otherwise it may compromise the integrity of the next 21 days.
Chris Gates - It’s really quite simple, Metallica singing is a non Christmassy scene, Metallica singing around a Christmas tree is a Christmassy scene, the Christmassy variation being the addition of a Christmas tree
Laura - I'm yet to understand how these artists make this very obvious error when they only have ONE job...the art. It isn't like they can gloss over their laziness with chocolate or Lego characters in the windows, so why would they not make the art inside the window absolutely paramount? It's like they think they can rest easy once the main calendar art is complete. Dick move.
Chris Gates - Could not agree with you more
Dylan - I was hoping to become smitten with this advent calendar, but it seems like s'mittens might ruin that for me
Roz - *checks own mittens* Bollocks.
Advent Calendar Door 4: It’s a toboggan!
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And, dear reader, I’m happy to say that there are no dead children on it, which may seem like a strange annotation to some of you, but the grizzled CGACC© veterans among you know better. CGACC2016. Never Forget.
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And while I am thrilled at the absence of tiny child-corpses, as I nearly always am, I am NOT thrilled to see a toboggan, which, as with the mittens yesterday, is a seasonal object and not a festive one.
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As with everything else on this calendar so far, it is floating in a milky white void, which I otherwise might interpret as being snow, but no, mere artistic laziness. It is solid red, with black runners and a golden steering rope which, actually, kind of looks like a noose, and so maybe there’s something darker going on here after all. If I were feeling in a generous mood I might say that this is in fact a Christmas tree ornament, and the rope is in fact a hook-loop, but no, I’m pretty sure this is one of those murder toboggans you hear about, used for dragging people through the snow by their necks. A seasonal death trap.
What kind of sick mind would devise such a thing and put it on an advent calendar? What further horrors lurk behind these doors? We shall soon see, dear reader, I fear we shall all see before long.
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December is the darkest month.
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Comments
Emmie - ‘Cool Runnings is a Christmas movie’ – discuss
Chris Gates - No.
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Lex - "Murder Toboggans" is the name of my death metal band
Rachel- Aren't murder toboggans part of the Northern European Christmas tradition? Vater Kristenmas arrives on one, dragging the corpses of naughty children behind him (see CGACC© 2016, which was, I believe, produced by a German company).
Miles - Dear Chris, could you please explain the situation(s) in which you are not thrilled at the absence of child-corpses?
Chris Gates Joffrey. Game of Thrones. Have never been more glad of a child’s death.
Dylan -This advent calendar is really toboggling my mind!
Advent Calendar Door 5: It’s a pair of ear muffs!
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I can’t. I honestly can’t. It’s kind of starting to feel as though the artist is simply not interested in Christmas. How, exactly, when attempting to come up with 24 advent calendar pictures, did they land on ear muffs? When they asked themselves ‘what do I love best about Christmas?’, what corner of their mind did they go do? What abyss did they gaze into? What void, absent of Christmas lights, festive wreaths, mince pies, joy, love and happiness? What bleak, mental landscape did they trudge across to return bearing the answer ‘ear warmth’?
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And I get it, okay? I do in fact get it. Having toasty ears when it’s cold outside? Fuhgeddaboutit. I’m not made of stone. BUT ALL OF WINTER IS COLD, and most of it happens after Christmas, Christmas is on, like, the third day of Winter*, so when I see a pair of ear muffs, or a jumper or a big winter coat, I don’t think of Christmas, I think of Winter. And I die a little inside.
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I mean…is it me? Is it actually just me? Am I literally the only one who gives a fuck about this? Does everyone else just open their advent calendar out of mere habit, expecting nothing and experiencing nothing, like an automaton, not actually alive, a dead machine flipping open a cardboard door and not really seeing what’s there? Not feeling, nor expecting to feel? Not OBSERVING? Am I the only one speaking out about this?
And I’m sorry, I’m so very very sorry for expecting better, for demanding better, of the world, but someone has to. We all have a hill that we’d die on, and this is mine.
Oh, and the ear muffs are red by the way.
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*I’m talking here about official, astronomical winter, which is a specific thing
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Laura - This has filled me with actual rage.
You need to do some research to find out if there is a community of 'shit, lazy, advent calendar observers' out there. There simply must be.
Lex - OK, my sympathy for the artist has come to an end. I'm 100% behind you and share your fury. I don't really know what that says about my mental health.
But, to answer your question, yes. Yes I think you are literally the only person speaking out about this.
Chris Gates I hope this has taught you never to take sides against the CGACC©. Don’t let me catch you doing it again
Lex - My lesson is learned. Hope is dead.
Chris Gates -That’s the spirit
Lake Lex -I think what upsets me even more is that the items don't even match. Like, the scarf/mittens/earmuffs combo isn't even part of a set. It's like rummaging through a 2D lost property box. Admittedly, this is my third day in covid isolation and I might be taking it personally because of illness or the onset of cabin fever. But this calendar has some serious making up to do.
Rachel - The thing is Chris, nobody else gives as much of a fuck about the pictures as you do because their calendars come with the dopamine rush of chocolate.
Chris - The opium of the masses
Mill Goble Thank you for clarifying the astronomical winter, because i was about to get all up in your face about the fact that the 21st is 'midwinter' even though i know full well that jan and feb are usually colder and therefore your understanding of winter in the astronomical sense is actually much closer to the truth that i've observed.
Stuart - Red earmuffs sound more legit. If I saw someone wearing red earmuffs during the Xmas period I'd be like, 'those are kinda festive earmuffs you've got there', and they'd go 'yeah, that's what I was going for, thanks'. And we'd go about our respective days
Chris Gates - Well, sure, but they’d also not look out of place in January/February, whereas a pair of earmuffs which were, say, red and green with a picture of some holly on each muff (as it were), would look a bit incongruous outside of the festive season. My point is that in the context of an advent calendar there should be no doubt as to the festive status of the item/scene.
Stuart - OK I'll give you that. Maybe the artist is going for a slow creep towards less ambiguity as the days get closer?
Dylan - Sounds like they really muffed this one
Advent Calendar Door 6: It’s a little toy Santa!
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Well, thank fuck for that, I was almost starting to lose my cool there. And this is actually a double relief, because a TOY Santa at this stage is perfectly acceptable, a welcome treat in fact, but it’s far FAR too early for actual Santa. In advent calendar terms, Santa is like the shark in Jaws: if you show him too soon then it kills the suspense. This is actually quite a smooth move on behalf of the artist, teasing Santa to build anticipation, and if the last few pictures hadn’t been such a shitshow then I might even be impressed.
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So, this little Santa then. The only thing to remark on here is the form, because we all know what Santa looks like, this one has thin little legs and then all the rest of him, head and body and everything, is a squashed cone shape, ending in a little pointed hat and a…what looks like the beginnings of a little golden hook loop.
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Oh I see! This is actually a Christmas tree ornament! Oh, well that’s actually quite good isn’t? But also, that means that I have to re-assess the toboggan from behind door 4 which, as I’m sure you’ll remember, also had a golden rope coming out of it which I first took to be a steering rope, and then a murder noose. But no, it was in fact a hook-loop, so the toboggan was a Christmas tree ornament and therefore a valid ACDP*
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However, I’d just like to make it clear that this is NOT an apology, if the artist had put in a little more effort and taken the time to draw these items in situ then their intent would have been rather less opaque. Also, this merely evens the score, 3 valid and 3 rejected, so the balance hangs on a knife edge.
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Stay tuned, folks, the game isn’t over yet.
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*Advent Calendar Door Picture, do keep up.
Stuart Wait, doesn't it make it 4-2?
Chris Gates You are entirely correct, and I can't be bothered to go back and edit, so this mistake belongs to the ages now.
Stuart This poor artist deserves some more goddamn credit!
Chris Gates Let's not go nuts
Lex: I did NOT see that coming. Just when hope was all but dead. 2021 is a wild ride.
Advent Calendar Door 7: It’s a snowman’s head!
Aaaaaahhhh! What? This is literally JUST the head of a snowman, floating in blank space, not a neck* or a body to be seen, just a smiling, severed, snowman’s head; carrot nose, jolly red cheeks, and a festive top hat colored in red and green. Such a merry expression on its face, such benevolence, such happiness, such trust. All betrayed, all taken advantage of in the end. How did it happen, do you think? A quiet approach in the night and the swift arc of an assassin’s blade? Or was this face-to-face work? Did the killer take their time, or was this a crime of passion? Was this, perhaps, the snowman mafia trying to send a message?
This has taken a dark turn, maybe I was right about the murder-noose thing after all. Bleak stuff this morning, folks. Sometimes you open an advent calendar door, and it’s a window into the soul of the artist, and I fear that this is such a door, and this is such a window, but this, dear reader, is such an absence of a soul.
Still, it’s got a Christmassy red and green hat on, so cha-ching.
#CGACC2021
*Obviously, snowmen aren’t famous for their necks, not a lot of scope for a snowman neck.
Comments:
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Stuart: 5-2. A couple more good ones, and all is forgiven really.
Chris Gates: Not all. Never all.
Lex: Jesus Christ.
Sarah: Disturbing.
Nerys: Is everything so far pictures of items from the evidence room? Is the artist serving time and reflecting on their crimes?
Matt: I think this may well be your finest work yet, Gates.
Advent Calendar Door 8: It’s a pair of ice skates!
You know, I WISH I were the kind of person who associated ice skates with Christmas. Somehow that seems like a really wholesome person to be, the Christmas Ice Skater. It conjures images of being on a frozen lake with your friends and neighbours, bundled up against the cold, laughing and red-cheeked, scarf trailing behind you as you go round and round, the smell of chestnuts and hot chocolate drifting over the frozen water from the lakeside concession stands, while Christmas songs pipe hauntingly from an ancient PA system on the back of someone’s truck. If I were the kind of person who associated ice skates with Christmas, then I think life would be just that much better.
But I don’t, so it’s not, and this can fuck off. The ice skates are blue, with yellow laces, which I actually quite like as a colour scheme, but they are NOT what you might call Christmassy ice skates or, more importantly in this context, what I would call Christmassy.
You know, a special Christmas ice rink that’s set up about a mile from where I live, and that’s been the case every year since I can remember, and I’ve never once been. And I don’t intend to. Not that I’m excluding these ice skates purely because I’m a miserable old curmudgeon—that’s a huge part of it, but it’s not the only reason.
Anyway, I’m literally doing this instead of preparing for an important presentation I have today, so, first of all, you’re welcome, but also, you know, bye.
#CGACC2021
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Comments:
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Stern: Clearly a hint to yesterday’s image and how it came about…
Rachel: The ice skates are on top of a gift box. They are clearly a Christmas gift. Christmassy af, Gates.
Chris Gates: I mean, given the picture, I guess it's kind of appropriate for you to be skating on thin ice right now, but I wouldn't recommend it.
Advent Calendar Door 9: It’s a Christmas Mobile!
Don’t know what a Christmas Mobile is? Well, let me break it down. It’s a van—that’s the ‘Mobile’ element—a red van with a green stripe along the side, in the middle of which there’s a little Christmas wreath. And it’s loaded up with lots of presents, boxed, brightly wrapped presents tied with bows, piled high on the back of the van which, and this is a key detail, has ‘Christmas Mobile’ written along the side in golden lettering.
So yeah. Pretty Christmassy, I’d say. I mean, those presents piled up on the back are officially a health and safety nightmare, not to mention in direct contravention of the Highway Code. At the very least, they should be secured with bungee cords, but undeniably Christmassy. Almost, and I can’t quite believe I’m saying this, a little too Christmassy perhaps.
Like, I feel that it’s pretty jarring in the context of the pictures we’ve seen so far, which have been a mixture of mildly Christmassy and not Christmassy, and now suddenly ALL THE CHRISTMAS AT ONCE. This advent calendar has pacing issues, is what I’m saying.
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Also, this Christmas Mobile—what is it exactly? Who’s driving it? Where’s it going? Who are the presents for? Is it a charity or is it a business and, if so, what’s the business model exactly? Is it, in fact, something like the Batmobile? The vehicle of some kind of Christmas-based vigilante, who fights crime with weapons fashioned of holly and tinsel? Or is this all just a front, like the Child Catcher’s lollipops/ice cream distribution service in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
More context is needed. Must try harder.
#CGACC2021
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Comments:
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Mill: This was... unexpected. I noticed a faint glimmer of hope as I was reading it and worried that perhaps I'd got my bet in too early. Also, if there is call for some sort of Christmas vigilante, then I can only assume you should be first in line. Would you be Christmasman? Captain Christmas?
Chris Gates: The Advent Avenger. In terms of the MCU, I’m more like The Punisher
Mill: YES
Stuart: What the jeff is a Christmas mobile? Is it like the 'holidays are coming' lorries in the Coca-Cola adverts?
Lex: I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that people who do artwork for advent calendars are actually all prisoners. Festive prisoners though, like maybe they're all chained up with Jingle bells in the bowels of Santa's dread Palace in Lapland with food and paintbrushes shoved under the door each day with a candle so that they can see what they're painting.
They've only really a vague memory of what Christmas was really like. A slight pang of something near an emotion, most of which have long since ceased to be relevant. Forced for days, months, possibly even years, surrounded by these blank blank walls to churn out images. Something about the Christmas feeling, maybe ice skates? A child's glove? A... A... What were those things? Like, you used to drive them. They made you... Mobile. Was that a Christmas thing? Maybe... What if I put the word Christmas on it? I'm sure that's right. Is anyone even looking at these any more? Do they even have advent calendars now, I wonder.
Did they ever get my plea for help?
The artist then sighs, all hope gone. They pick up the brush and paint pallet. Somewhere in the icy hell prison, a deep booming and foreboding "ho hi ho" shakes the foundations. Tomorrow, maybe help will come tomorrow.
Advent Calendar Door 10: It’s the king of nightmares!
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Oh no, dear reader, I fear we have found a window into the soul of the artist, but all we can see is a yawning abyss. The king of nightmares is dressed in red and gold, his beard is snowy white, his crown gleams and his sceptre bears a shimmering emerald, but his smile, reader, dear God, his smile. It is a mockery of the word. You can only call it a smile in so much as it is a bearing of teeth, and even then not even a bearing, because to bear one’s teeth requires that one has lips to cover them in the first place, and the king of nightmares has no lips. Just teeth. Tiny white teeth in a forest of tangled hair.
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The truly disturbing thing about this picture is that it is in the dead center of the calendar, this is the artist showcasing this picture in particular which, one has to imagine, is a representation of something in his own experience of Christmas, some evil event which he has been compelled to express through art. Perhaps this was even intended to be a nutcracker, but it ended up being so much more and so much worse.
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I cannot, in all good conscience, allow this to count as a valid ACDP. Honestly, it’s a really unsettling picture, and even if it IS supposed to be a nutcracker it doesn’t actually look like one. It’s more like some hellish Warhammer figurine, it’s not at all Christmassy and there’s no visible, um, nut-lever, no prosaic, cracked nutshells to give context to this horrible vision that will now haunt my dreams until my death, whereupon it will be the thing that drags me down into eternal torment and damnation.
Just 14 shopping days left until Christmas, folks!
Comments:
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Stern: This is turning into Cluedo! We might even discover why he did what he did for the past few days….
Mill: Aaaaaaaand I'm back in the game. HOPE IS DEAD. I imagine this is a self-portrait from the artist reigning over his hopeless advent calendar domain, spewing nightmares forth in all directions from his evil glowing green sceptre, as he cackles liplessly* from the safety of the center of the kingdom.
*Yes, this is now a word. And yes, I'm putting footnotes in the comments now too. It's not my fault; the power of the king of nightmares is so strong, it's taken control of me too, now that you've released him from the cardboard prison that was meant to hold him captive for eternity.
Chris Gates: Footnotes in the comments? I’m impressed
Sarah: Be afraid... be very afraid...
Lex: Fucking hell
Stuart: I for one welcome our new Nutcracker overlords
Advent Calendar Door 11: It’s a kitten in a Christmas stocking!
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A motherfucking kitten! In a stocking! This is fucking adorable. I don’t know what’s gotten into the artist, but I love it. I mean, I officially have whiplash from this sudden change in direction, but I can’t find fault with this. Yesterday we had the king of nightmares, and today it’s a kitten, the least nightmarish of all the things.
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And the stocking is hanging from an honest-to-goodness Christmas tree! This is crazy! Up until now, everything’s just been floating in the white neverspace, and now suddenly we have a Christmas tree!? Again, I’m not complaining, but it does rather point towards artistic laziness in the previous pictures rather than a deliberate style.
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It’s a black-and-white kitten, it’s got its little kitten paws on the edge of the stocking, it obviously didn’t climb up there itself, obviously this cat was out here by its owner as some sort of Instagram stunt, which kind of takes away from the charm of this picture a little bit, but still, you know, it’s a kitten in a stocking so all is forgiven.
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Comments:
Lex: What the honest-to-goodness third, fourth, or bastard eleventh testicle of Lord God fucking almighty is going on here?!
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This is NOT okay. Everything is NOT okay.
Chris Gates: This may seem a bit rich coming from the guy who spends 24 days a year ranting about advent calendars, but U OK hun?
Lex: A kitten. A kitten in a fucking sock. I like kittens. Only people that are dead inside don't like kittens. But WHAT'S IT DOING THERE?? Next to the nightmare nutcracker thing with a BACKGROUND painted in.
What the honking fuck is happening here? It's anarchy. Christmas is cancelled.
Advent Calendar Door 12: It’s a soft toy cat!
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There’s a lot going on here, so I’ll just take a minute to get it all described. The toy cat is, according to my girlfriend, a sock-toy, i.e. a toy fashioned out of a sock and not, as I was imaging, a toy FOR a sock. It’s largely blue, but with green and dark blue stripes, it has little white whiskers and, quite unsettlingly in my opinion, buttons for eyes. Also, it has the proportions of a human, and not, as one might expect a cat. It’s sat upright, human style, but with arms and legs that end neither with paws or hands, but with stumps.
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I’m not even halfway done describing this picture.
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The cat is sat against a wrapped, boxed present with yellow paper and a red bow, next to the cat is another present, also boxed and wrapped, with purple paper and a green bow, and behind THAT is ANOTHER present, large and rectangular, wrapped in red, white and green striped paper with a golden ball. Also pictured is a what looks like a little beach ball, striped red, yellow and blue, and this is all laid out on a red carpet with little white swirls on it.
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Okay, alright, before we get on to the developing cat fetish we’re witnessing, let me just mention the WILD change in style going on here. We’ve gone from lone items floating in a blank void onto fully realised scenes with background, foreground and a brimming mise en scene, the last two pictures have been veritable pronkstillevens* in comparison to all the others.
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This is DRAMATIC, like, what happened here? It’s like someone started building a humble, Protestant church and then halfway through decided to turn it into a sumptuous Greek Orthodox cathedral. Yes it is, that’s exactly what it’s like, shut up.
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And what’s with the cats? That’s all I’ve got at this point. What’s with all the cats suddenly? Some advent calendars develop a fetish at some point; In 2014 it was shoes, in. 2016 it was devil worship, in 2018 it was non Christmassy animals, in 2019 it was Christmas trees and now it’s cats? Look, a good advent calendar should be like a good compilation album, a fine balance between variety and tone-consistency. By all means have two similar pictures, but not back to back like this. It’s just sloppy.
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But yes, this is nonetheless an acceptable ACDP, and so purely in terms of Christmassyness this calendar is going quite well. Still though, we’re only at the half way point and there’s still everything to play for.
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Stay tuned, folks.
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*just google it, alright?
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Comments:
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Sarah: An twerp in action....cue tumbleweed....it’s Sunday...x
Marie: Suddenly, on a Sunday, search volume for "pronkstilleven" increases.
Mill: I like cats. My hope has returned. I'm all at sea about this sudden shift.
Matt: May I suggest you do some kind of 'Getting in touch with the artists' section in the future? Imagine the conversations you could have with the source(s) of this nightmare fuel.
Lex: Curveball.
Advent Calendar Door 13: It’s a cat sitting on a trapeze, hanging from a Christmas tree!
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sigh
#CGACC2021
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Comments:
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Roz: Up your meds. I have!
Laura: I'm not having that. You're either making this shit up now, or the artist developed a sudden taste for crack.
Lex: Outstanding trollery on the artist's part going on here.
Spencer: Wait – an anagram of ‘Chris Gates’ is ‘cat sighers’. This was foretold.
Rachel: Maybe the artist got wind that there's a judgy bastard going round pronouncing on the internet on whether or not advent calendar pictures are valid. Maybe all the advent calendar artists have a Facebook group where they've been discussing the CGACCâ’¸. Maybe, having heard the chatter, our artist Ingrid decided on the tack of fucking with Chris Gates by abiding by his rules whilst also doing something completely demented. Maybe it'll be Christmassy cats from here to Christmas. Only tomorrow's door can confirm or dispel this speculation. Waiting with anticipation over here...
Chris Gates: I mean, I've been doing this for 10 years now, and it's all available online, so what you're suggesting is actually quite possible, even probable. And if this IS the artist's attempt to intimidate me, and if they are in fact reading this, then let me just say this: Bring it, bitch.
Advent Calendar Door 14: It’s a bobble hat!
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Aaaaand we’re back. Gone are the sumptuous backdrops, foreground and mise en scene, and we’ve returned once again to the white netherspace to which all of these items have been banished, a prison dimension like the Phantom Zone in the 1984 movie Supergirl*
It’s an orange hat, with the requisite, festive green and white stripes, the bobble being red, but it is looooong, like, you could absolutely keep a snake in there if you were so inclined, very handy for snake-keeping purposes. Or indeed, if you’re Rapunzel and you need a bit of headgear for the winter months. But otherwise it’s not advisable as an actual item of clothing, it just shouldn’t be possible to trip over one’s hat.
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I’m not certain we’re done with our visitations to the cat-Christmas dimension at this stage, I’m not sure what’s going on with the artist. It’s been suggested that I reach out to them and see if they’re okay/be all like ‘what the fuck, man?’, which is something I did in 2018 and, shockingly, never received a response. Not sure I’ll be doing that again really, it’s one of those things someone could use to build a case against me, and when I release the CGACC© as a novel and it’s nominated for the Booker Prize, I don’t want a group of angry advent calendar artists trying to get the nomination overturned. No one wants that.
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So yes, let’s just keep this is just between us for now, eh?
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*Holy shit have you seen this film tho? It’s got Peter O’Toole, Peter Cook, Fay Dunaway and Mia Farrow in it, the villain is a witch who lives in an abandoned theme park. It’s probably terrible, it’s got like a 4/10 on IMDb, but as a kid I remember watching it over and over again and loving it, party because Supergirl was F-I-T, in a very specific, blonde-hair-blue-eyes, Hitler’s wet dream kind of way, but I’m probably going to resist the urge I have to rewatch it lest I ruin the memory of it.
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Comments:
Mill: Is it possible there are two artists sharing the load? Like, one of them was furloughed over lockdown and bored out of their brain so offered to help the other with their workload...? Perhaps the original artist who took the job was the cat-obsessed one who was able to draw sumptuous backgrounds, and they just let their friend/partner tag along for the ride with an occasional 'thing floating in the void'..? Or maybe they submitted 24 sumptuous cat pictures right at the last minute and the publishers were like 'Mate, what's with all the cats?! We can't just have ALL cats! You've got an hour to give me at least ten new pictures!' so then all they had time to do was the foreground pics?
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Chris Gates: A compelling theory, well reasoned and expressed, and I had considered this possibility, but to my eye this is all the work of the same artist, even though the content and setting are different, the style is definitely the same. But otherwise I tend to think you’re right, they wanted ALL THE CATS and the Advent Calendar Boss, because surely that’s what they must be called, wisely put the kibosh on it.
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Lex: I love the idea that there is, somewhere out there, a Guild of Calendar Artists that hold furtive meetings where they discuss the demise of their ultimate nemesis.
Andy:For some reason I picture them in a lair. Probably with a huge Christmas bauble in the middle in place of a super villain style globe.
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Lex: Totally. In my head, they also wear red hooded cassocks. But I've admittedly spent much of the last 2 years bingeing sci-fi/fantasy shows on Netflix, so, y'know?
Andy: Of course they are wearing red hooded cassocks. The artist chosen each year will wear black edged with gold.
Lex: I... I feel like we should get married "according to the prophecy". But I'm happy to laugh it off and go to the pub.
Andy: Beware the prophecy!
Advent Calendar Door 15: It’s a rocking horse!
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Aaaah, the thorny issue of rocking horses. I would say that I’ve had a rocking horse on most of the advent calendars I’ve ever had, and I’ve never quite known how to categorise them; they’re just one of those things, one of those horses I should say, that some people think of as Christmassy and I don’t.
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I think it’s because, when you really think about it, a rocking horse is kind of grotesque isn’t it? Since they don’t, as far as I’m aware, occur in nature, the implication seems to be that they’re regular horses which have had their hooves amputated, and then they’re legs grafted onto a…a rocker, I guess one would have to call it. Runners? Tracks? Who can say. Whatever the nomenclature, there’s clearly something going on here with this practice of equine mutilation and, I ask you, is this practice of hoof amputation/sled grafting Christmassy?
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Well, in this instance, yes. Fortunately, the artist has seen fit to remove all debate by drawing one of his famous, golden hook loops (aka murder nooses) onto the back our old pal Rockin’ Dobbin*, and so this abomination is a Christmas tree ornament, and thus, in fact, well Christmassy.
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So there
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*nice joke Chris, well done
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Comments:
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Laura: You know, the past two days' entries convinced me I was right about the crack addiction. Now I think the artist is laughing, at you specifically Chris. They found out about you and have beat you at your own game! They can literally draw whatever they want, as long as they put a death noose on it. They have found your loop hole! Your death noose hole! Faarrrrk.
Lex: I'm inclined to agree with Laura. This artist has you by the baubles.
Miles: Massive congratulations on the * joke, it really was very enjoyable.
Advent Calendar Door 16: It’s a frog hat!
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Yes, that’s right, a frog hat. A woollen hat, that is, which looks like a frog’s face. Well, this all seems to be in order. The frog, after all is one of the most Christmassy animals there is. You see them woven all throughout the festive canon, there’s the hymn ‘O Little Frog Of Bethlehem’ in which a little frog gives unto baby Jesus some of her delicious frogspawn, there’s The Merry Frog Of Fleet Street, the famous Charles Dickens tale, the story of a frog who patches the roof of an orphanage with lilypads ahead of an oncoming blizzard and saves Christmas, then of course there’s the all time classic Christmas movie ‘It’s A Wonderful Frog’ in which a little frog jumps tries to kill himself by jumping off a bridge and NO OF COURSE BLOODY NOT
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What is going on here? No, seriously, you tell me, what in the name of Santa’s tits has a frog got to do with Christmas? And yes, look, I do know all about a Muppets Christmas Carol, okay, but this isn’t Kermit The Frog, which is a very specific thing, and this most certainly isn’t Kermit The Frog as Bob Cratchit with an even more specific, and, crucially, Christmassy thing. This is just some rando, off brand, non-Christmassy motherfucking frog.
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*breathes deeply*
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Look, I know I’ve been hiding it very well, but a fair few of this year’s ACDPs have somewhat failed to fill me with a sense of festive cheer. And it’s okay, it’s fine, I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed. And…no, actually I am also angry.
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This is bullshit.
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Comments
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Kate: Maybe it’s a mistletoad?
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Chris Gates: Ha! Excellent work, you get a gold star
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Wrenegade: Chris Gates the greatest honour thank you
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Jonny: #classicxmas2021
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Stuart: This is a tad off. I think we just forget about the whole thing.
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Mill: No murder noose?
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Chris Gates: Sadly not, my dear Millford. Sadly not.
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Andy: I want to read The Merry Frog of Fleet Street! Is it available anywhere?
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Lex: This is unforgivable on many many levels
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Nerys: Anything can be Christmassy if you put your mind to it ..
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Nerys: No, really it can.
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Chris Gates: Yes, basically, you can pretty much Google Christmas + any animal and you will find something like this.
Lex: Googled 'Christmas tadpole'; was not disappointed
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Ian: Next year, you need to try something newt
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Chris Gates: Get out
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Ian: Toadally fair
Advent Calendar Door 17: It’s another fucking hat!
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Yep. Okay. It’s official, the artist is straight up trolling me and this stage. As many of you have suggested, there is clearly a secret enclave of Advent Calendar artists, a dark quorum, an underground guild, a, um, clandestine knitting-circle. A kind of very very specific illuminati; cold blood beats through their dead spider-hearts, they operate from shadows, they hide in plain sight, they pull hidden strings, they speak the spells of power, their whispers crawl into the ears of kings, politicians and oligarchs, where they live like parasites, like possessing ghosts they weave themselves into these unsuspecting souls and thus, dear reader, thus, these phantoms, these puppet makers, these dread shadows, they seek to control the world…the world of advent calendars.
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And I have angered them.
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It’s been ten years, ten long and wretched years we have been locked in this bitter battle, they have studied my methods, my weapons, and they think they know how to beat me, and for that, friends, I pity them. I will not be intimidated. I will not surrender. I will, in short, survive. Although this is definitely very annoying.
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So, this hat then.
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It’s an orange and yellow with what I think are called deer-flaps but, if not, certainly they are flaps of some description, and from these flaps dangle long strings of wool ending in little bobbles. Just a hat. Just another random fucking hat. The true test of the Advent Calder Guild’s cruelty will be seen tomorrow where, if their power has really grown as great as we fear, there will probably be another hat. And after that, another hat. And another hat still. Reader, it may be nothing but hats from now on.
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Pray for me, friends. Pray for all of us.
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Comments:
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Lex: Three cats in a row, two hats in a row, the death noose loophole. I fear that the artist is merely toying with you now
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Andy: Toying with us all! This conspiracy is bigger than we think. Isn't the link to the devil worship of 2016* absolutely clear now?
*Do I have the right year? I'm worried that they are directly affecting our brains now.
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Chris Gates: Yes, 2016 was, quite fittingly, the year of the Beast.
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Mill: Is it a coincidence that 'hats' and 'cats' rhyme? I look forward to hearing about the traditional Christmas bats, mats, vats, and gnats behind the next few doors.
Advent Calendar Door 18: It’s a horse’s head!
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Jesus.
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Well. It appears the Advent Calendar Mafia have sent their message.
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To be clear, ostensibly what is behind this door is a hobby horse, a hobby horse with a hook-loop/murder noose attached to it thus making it a Christmas tree ornament and so, in theory at least, this a valid ACDP, but what it represents is nothing short of a death threat.
But I will not be intimidated and I will not negotiate with terrorists.
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So here’s what I’m going to do: I reject this picture but ALSO, I retroactively and preemptively reject ALL pictures where the Christmassy status of the picture is achieved by the last minute addition of a hook-loop. So, the toboggan and the rocking horse. GONE. Because d’ya know what isn’t Christmassy? Intimidation.
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So yeah, fuck you Advent Calendar Mafia and also, by the way, fuck your laziness, because it is SUCH an amateur move to just draw whatever bullshit you want and then just stick a loop on it and call it a Christmas ornament. Utter, utter bullshit.
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Your move, fuckheads.
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Mill: #bringbackthecats
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Phil: I'm beginning to think there's not much you find Christmassy. If tree decorations and anything wintery is out no wonder you get disappointed day after day. What's next? Will you be dismissing anything that includes father Christmas because of coca cola exploitation or discounting reindeer because (shock news alert) they generally don't fly??
Chris Gates: I’m more than happy to accept Christmas decorations when they’re not being used as death threats. Personally I’d call that a pretty low bar.
Sarah: What's next? Godfather Christmas?
Kate: And a Mare-y Christmas to you too
Chris Gates: Don’t push your luck, Lizzie Renoir
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Rachel: Vegan Sausage Roll Hanging Tree Decoration
Stuart: I have to say this the first time I have followed CGACC© all the way through. I don't know about previous years, but this advent calendar is fucking bizarre in its choices. Is this artist smoking some kinda christmas crack?
Chris Gates: Compared to some years this is tame
Lex: I had a hobby horse tree decoration as a kid so I think this is allowed. Although it's also quite a clear and personal message from the Guild Calendar Art.
Sleep with one eye open.
Jonny: "I will not negotiate with terrorists." - actual tears!
Advent Calendar Door 19: It’s a body warmer!
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Or, if you want to be a prick about it, and I assume you do, a gilet. A yellow and orange gilet, to be precise or, to be even more precise, it’s some bullshit, and at this point I hardly think I need to explain why. If you’re reading this then I assume you’ve been following for a while, and if you haven’t then you can always go back to the beginning and catch up because that’s how reading works, you can’t just open Crime and Punishment two thirds through of the way through and start demanding why Raskolnikov seems quite so jumpy.
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Suffice it to say, this is not sufficiently Christmassy fare and it’s an insult to the festive season, to advent calendars in general, and, most importantly, to me. As far as interpreting what the Advent Calendar Mafia are trying to communicate here, I’m at something of a loss. I mean, it’s an insult, certainly, but after yesterday’s death threat, a literal horse’s head, it rather seems like a de-escalation in hostilities.
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Frankly, I think that this is just posturing, and that tomorrow we shall return to more festive territory. And rightly so, with Christmas time just around the corner, proverbially speaking. There is, as Bono says, no need to be afraid.
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Comments:
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Emily: No golden noose attached to the gilet?!
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Nerys: Let's be generous and say that it's the artist giving you something symbolising a hug as an apology for yesterday.
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Philippa: Personally I'd take it as a kindly concerned 'wrap up warm, it's a bit parky out there' and as such is within the Christmas spirit parameters
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Quartz: This calendar has been very trippy this year. Usually there's some kind of pattern of wrongness, but this year is just all over the shop
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Mill: I'm honestly shocked that we're less than a week from Christmas and have had very few actual Christmassy items. Like, no Christmas pudding? Holly? A wreath? A stocking? I understand leaving Santa until last, but a parade of vaguely wintery tree decorations isn't helping build the required anticipation. I do have a question though Chris - in your opinion, which is better - an advent calendar with a host of vaguely wintery items that could be possibly construed as Christmassy if you squint a bit (or by the addition of a murder noose), or an advent calendar that hits Christmas itself too early with trees and Santas in the first week and then has to repeat its Christmassy items because its run out of ideas..?
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Chris Gates: Both are, in their own way, crushingly disappointing. An ideal advent calendar should have variety, consistently, a bright understanding of Christmas culture and symbols and, most importantly, imagination and magic. One should feel excitement at the prospect of opening one’s advent calendar door and not, as I have been made to feel over the years, mild indifference. When I one day make my own advent calendar, as seems inevitable at this point, it will be note perfect the whole way through. Until then, though, we’ll have to make do with what we have.
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Stuart: What happens at the end? Do we get to see a photo of the whole thing opened? I'm excited
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Chris Gates: Well, normally it just kind of ends. One year I filmed myself burning it.
Advent Calendar Door 20: It’s a cat bauble!
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Aaaand, we’re back in the land of cat Christmas! #returnofthecat
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I mean, at this stage I’m just happy* to see anything that’s vaguely Christmassy, we’re down to the last four doors here and I consider this to be beneath the acceptable bare minimum, I mean, a bauble on a tree? That’s early door stuff, that’s a warm up act. Give me stockings on a fireplace, give me Santa’s workshop, give me a Christmas tree topped with a glowing star, for the love of Christ, give me ALL THE CHRISTMAS YOU’VE GOT.
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But also, and I hate to sound like a broken record here, BUT WHAT’S WITH ALL THE FUCKING CATS? You’ve made your point, artist, cats and Christmas are your whole vibe, but what about the rest of us? What about me, the person opening these doors? I did not subscribe to cat Christmas and you didn’t give me the option. If you wanted to do a Cat Christmas Advent Calendar then fine, God Speed and more power to you, but set out your stall, for fuck sake, make it crystal fucking clear that that’s what it is you’re selling, put a massive cat on the front of the calendar, make sure that people know what they’re getting into.
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Ugh.
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Three more days, folks, just three more days before this bullshit ends.
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*I mean, ‘happy’ is a bit of a reach isn’t it? Less furious, I mean. Less likely to scream into my special screaming pillow. Happy in that sense.
Advent Calendar Door 21: It’s a drum!
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Ah, the drum, the most nonsensical of all the Christmassy things. For, yes, it does technically have its place within the Christmas canon, what with all the pa rum pum pum pumming we’re subjected to around this time of year. However, if I’m being pedantic, and I hate to be, but if I am I’d say that a drum on it’s own is not enough; it requires the addition of a poor little drummer boy in order to count as a valid ADCP, but we’re fairly close to Christmas now and I am nothing if not magnanimous, so I’m going to allow it.
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Can we just talk for a moment about the little drummer boy though? Can we? I know you’ve got a lot on right now, food to buy, presents to wrap, some of you may be working or, more likely at this time of year, barely even pretending to work, but can we just turn our collective attention, for one brief second, to the little drummer boy? Good, thank you, this really shouldn’t take long.
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What’s with this fucking kid? Or rather, what’s with everyone else humouring this fucking kid? This has never made sense to me. So, the story in the song (which, by the way, originated in 1941 as ‘The Carol of the Drum’ where someone basically just came up with ‘pa rum pa pum pum’ and worked backwards from there. No really, there was this whole other French Carol called ‘Patapan’ about shepherds playing music for the little baby Jesus, and some English musician just decided ‘nah, drums don’t go ‘patapan’ they go ‘pa rum pa pum pum’ I’m writing my own song, fuck you frenchies’, and now drums can appear on advent calendars and we’re all like ‘yeah, that makes sense’. Um, can anyone remember what I was talking about before I opened these brackets? Ah, yes) is about a poor boy who turns up to see the little baby Jesus (LBJ for short) and, having ‘no gift to bring’ offers to play his drum. For a baby. A new born baby.
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Now, here’s a bit of advice if you ever meet a new born baby, and this is partly for the benefit of the baby itself, but mostly for the dark eyed, tousle haired, sleep deprived, zombified parents of said new born baby, and it’s a simple piece of advice and quite easy to follow: DON’T START PLAYING A FUCKING DRUM!!!
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Are you KIDDING ME? And look, I’m not blaming the boy in this scenario, he doesn’t know any better, I’m blaming every adult present for not immediately snatching the drum out of his hands and, as politely as possible, telling him to shut the fuck up.
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But also, and this is the heart of the matter, if he IS too poor to buy LBJ a present, then he doesn’t have to make up for that, does he? He can’t exactly help being poor. If anything, give him some of your fucking Wise Man gold you tight bastards. Don’t just let some malnourished urchin pa rum pa pum pum while you’re lounging around like Smaug on a massive pile of coins.
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The arrogance of it.
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Comments:
Miles: "... being pedantic, and I hate to be" LIAR!
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Chris Gates: Who, me?
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Orlando: Omg. I for one relish the drum as instrumental in provoking such a fantastic and erudite analysis!
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Matt: I lost track of the acronym and thought you were talking about Little Boris Johnson by the end.
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Sarah: Classic x
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Quartz: Being pedantic is your least favourite thing, I know
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Chris Gates: We can smell our own
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Jonny: This has made me laugh a lot this morning. Good work.
Advent Calendar Door 22: It’s a Herald Angel!
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This would have been acceptable, herald angels are obviously the most Christmassy angels of all, but for the fact that it has golden hook loop on it, and is thus disqualified, as stated at door 18.
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Yep. Would have been nice to be able to include it. But no, fuck you Advent Calendar Mafia. You have been hoisted by your own murder noose.
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Let’s all hope that whatever’s behind door 24 doesn’t also have a loop on it. Although, part of me thinks it would be funny for me to write ‘nope’ on the last day of the CGACC© and just leave it at that. But don’t worry, I wouldn’t do that to you.
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Or would I?
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Comments:
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Spencer - Heralds are my favourite angels
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Jonny Charlies are my favourite.
Advent Calendar Door 23: It’s some Christmassy bells!
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Well, ding dong merrily on high, it’s a Christmas miracle! The bells are gold, naturally, and shaped like bells, as you might expect, and at around the rim of each runs a festive pattern of red, white and green. Lovely.
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Well folks, we’re nearly at the end. This has really flown by this year, partly because the Christmassy/non Christmassy hit rate has been quite good, with 11 confirmed Christmassy pictures (which could have been 16 if the Advent Calendar Mafia hadn’t overplayed their hand) which is actually not too bad. I’m given cause to remember the travesty that was 2018 where there were only 6 valid ACDPs, the bulk them being non-Christmassy woodland animals, not to mention that fucking swan.
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My point being that all things considered, this has not been too bad an advent calendar, not great, but not bad, and I know it feels a bit like I’m tempting fate, because who knows what horrors might await us tomorrow, but also this is usually the time of month where the CGACC© gets a bit sentimental
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Because another reason it’s flown by this year is the consistency of your support, that’s a huge part of the CGACC© for me, when people engage it makes me feel slightly less like weird old man screaming into the void. I mean, it doesn’t change the fact that that’s definitely what I am, but it gives me the illusion of being something else and that’s worth something.
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So thank you, is basically what I’m trying to say, in case tomorrow’s ADCP gives me an aneurysm and I don’t get a chance to say it then.
Mind how you go, treacle
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Comments:
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Jonny: Thank you for your service sir. Thoroughly good show. 2018! Sheesh. Who can forget? THE SWAN! The least Xmassy bird. too good. Merry Christmas, Chris!
Lex: Is it OK to talk about 2018 yet? Some of us still have PTSD
Chris Gates: Yes, sorry, should have done a trigger warning
Nerys: After 2016, I abandoned my life and joined a convent in the Himalayas
Lex: fair
Roz: I am more excited about tomorrow’s reveal than my mother’s pending LTF (if it’s positive, we’re stuck here for a week)
Advent Calendar Door 24: It’s little baby Jesus!
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A classic, if slightly unexpected, door 24 picture; I tend to avoid buying religious calendars because no one wants 24 days of a man trying to be funny by ranting about religion. I mean, sure, some people may in fact want that, you see enough of it in stand up, people who seem to think that they will be the one to finally dismantle Christianity with their off-brand Bill Hicks material. It’s like ‘yeah, well done, you must be the first person ever to try to apply critical thought to the Bible, Noah’s Ark WAS probably to big for just few people to build on their own wasn’t it? Well done, have a fucking biscuit.’
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Suffice it to say, there’ll be none of that here, LBJ is a welcome addition to the CGACC©, he’s about at Christmassy as it’s possible to get, and let us be thankful, after everything we’ve seem, that he’s not a little cat baby Jesus*…although actually who am I kidding that would be amazing. Ha! I just image searched Cat Baby Jesus and was not disappointed, I recommend doing that at some point today. Maybe comment with your favourite images.
It’s interesting to note that the last manger scene we had (CGACC2016) featured the Antichrist, aka Donald Trump baby Jesus**, and the years that followed his arrival seemed to get progressively worse (in a global sense). I did start to worry that I was personally responsible, that, as per Revelation 6:1-2 I was the Lamb and had unwittingly opened the one of seven seals, so let’s hope that this more benign baby Jesus*** puts us back on track.
So yeah, that’s me done for another year. It’s been great and I’d like to say thanks again for your wonderful engagement. Next year, as some of you have suggested, I might get a bit of merch going for the true, hardcore fans, T-Shirts and Christmas cards etc. Stay tuned.
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I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and I will see you all next year
Peace & Goodwill
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Chris x
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*LCBJ
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**DTBJ
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***BBJ
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Comments:
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Andy: Thanks for your wonderful writing, Chris. Christmas wouldn't be the same without CGACC©. Some Christmas traditions can be ranty and a little bit sweary!
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Lake Lex: Even if I had hated every single word for the last 24 days, it would have been worth it to have this image in my life.
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Amy: Potential merch???! As a first-time reader of the CGACC©, I can say it has been an absolute pleasure from first to last and I cannot wait for next year!! Happy holidays, Chris!!
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